Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MOH and soon-to-be MIL Drama (a little long)
So we just got back from visiting family for the weekend and also celebrating a milestone birhday for me. In the midst of the weekend we also took care of some wedding planning that had to be done. Apparently my lovely MOH may have offended or some how been rude to my MIL. I was not aware of the situation till way after the fact and by then it was too late. My MIL is a very controling and overbearing person but all in all a very sweet and generous lady. The drama now is that she felt slighted by my MOH but never came to tell me about it herself and she ended up causing a huge argument between my fiance and myself as well as other members of his family. I am now under the gun about her feelings and how could I have let something like this happen. Apparently "I didnt know" has not been a good enough answer for those involved. I feel so torn by what has happened that I am really considering rethinking getting married at all and thats tough for me to say because I love my fiance more then I can even put into words. But I can not imagine dealing with this kind of turmoil for the rest of what is supposed to be OUR lives. I need some advice.
Re: MOH and soon-to-be MIL Drama (a little long)
This is all very vague, but without more details the only thing I can say is that it sounds like your MIL is very immature. Mature adults have disagreements, and they don't drag innocent thrid parties in and make them choose sides/make amends for them.
How is your FI reacting to all of this? If he's not 100% in your corner and telling his mother to step off, then you SHOULD be rethinking marrying him. It will always be you against them in a disagreement, and your inlaws will be way too far into your business if your DH doesn't set some boundaries.
More details please?
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
You can't control what people say or do or how they react. Nothing you can do about it. If your MOH did offend that woman, it's up to your moh to do the apologizing.
I'm guessing from the way you phrased your post that YOU don't think whatever MOH did was a big deal, but rather that the big deal is that your MIL was offended and is holding you responsible, and other family members are rallying around MIL. If that's the dynamic you're talking about- MIL takes offense, and everyone else in the family takes pains to make sure nobody offends her or smooths things over until she's happy- then be sure you understand and are comfortable with the way you're going to fit into that dynamic.
That's not to say you have to join the ranks of appeasing and apologizing- just that it'll be tough to be the one that breaks this family's mold of how to get along with MIL. My personal approach, with people like this, is to say some variation of, "This sounds like something between you and X, I think you should talk to them." (for people trying to rope me in, it's some variation of, "This sounds like something between X and Y, I really don't want to get involved.") It's effective, but it doesn't change the fact that these people think I *should* play peacemaker, or that these same people think I'm letting them down or don't love them as much because I'm not jumping in to the way things have always been done.
The real question here is- you say that this caused an argument between your FI and yourself. Does HE think you are responsible for making sure other adults behave around your MIL in a way that suits her? Does HE think it's your job to "smooth things over" or "make peace" or apologize on another person's behalf to appease her? If so-- that's a big deal, a stop-wedding-planning-until-we're-clear-on-this deal. My approach works because it's my husband's approach too- I would think twice before going forward with an engagement to someone who expected me to keep peace with MIL more than he expected MIL to be reasonable or fair to me.
Is your FI one of the people who think that "I didn't know" is not a good enough answer? If he is supporting you, let it go. Let them be mad. They'll all get over it (I'm assuming, since you didn't tell us what the issue actually is). Tell your MOH she needs to smooth things over with your FMIL, because it's not cool for her to be causing drama surrounding your wedding, and give your FMIL time to chill out and realize she's overreacting.
Unless this is something huge and life altering, you are not going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Put it in perspective: Your MOH and your FMIL had a disagreement. They'll get over it and things will go back to normal.
Run. Run far, far away.
This will never change, you will always deal with MIL and her "feelings".
Ok here goes. My MIL is the type of person to make things up (lie) or stretch the truth in her favor. She feels that I should have stood up to my MOH the moment I realized that she may have been being rude to my MIL. The problem with that is that I don?t think my MOH was really doing the things my MIL said she did. My MIL was at that time trying to take control of all our wedding planning and having a hard time dealing with outside opinions. I think the problem may have been as minute as them having bumped heads about my veil and the color of a bridesmaids dress (ridiculous I know) and that set her off. Anyone that gets in this woman's way is bound to get railroaded no matter what and I see that now. I think the biggest issue I have with all of this is that my MIL feels the way she does because she was helping us pay for our wedding and feels a sense of entitlement. Ever since we got back from our trip last weekend it?s been one issue after another. First it was that I needed to get rid of my MOH because she was a reflection on me at our wedding. Then it was that if I don?t stand up for her and her family now how can she ever trust me to do so if the situation arises again. It finally hit me that even though it was very generous of her to help us pay for our wedding that that is where these issues were stemming from. So I very politely asked her to please keep her money that we were going to pay for everything ourselves for the wedding and make it a smaller more intimate affair. That has not helped the situation and now I am the ungrateful DIL.
Well do you want to get railroaded every time your get in your MIL's way? Good for you for standing up for yourself. You and your FI need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them with regard to your soon to be MIL.
She sounds like my sisters MIL. She is something else! She loves to give everyone her opinion (asked for or not, usually not). She will start conversations just to argue. She is really aweful. This has been a huge problem for my sister. Her husband will not stick up for her. MIL will cry if her son confronts her and say she doesn't know how she can be so misunderstood. It's absurd.
If your FI will stick up for you from the get go and tell her she's going to have to behave to have a relationship with both of you and you think your relationship is strong enough, go for it. If you FI will not do this, think long and hard before you get married. This won't end with the wedding.
Good luck!
Thanks for the advice.
This sounds a lot like my "first" marriage. My ex would never stand up to his mother even though he witnessed different events. Over the years (I hung in there for 7) my MIL would cause problems for any family member that befriended me. It seriously effected my health and I finally left and got divorced. If I would have known what it was going to be like as much as it would have hurt at the time I would have run before the wedding.
Fast forward 5 years. A wonderful supportive husband, beautiful little girl and happy life. Good luck to you with whatever you decide.