Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friendships
So I need some advice. I got married last September. Everything but my bridesmaids went smoothly. They fought with each other, fingerpointed, and coulnd't even come together for a bachelorette party (my one gay best friend threw one together with my mom because of how bad they felt for me). Anyway after the wedding as my husband and I were writing thank you's and addressing them I realized 2 of my bridesmaids didn't have a thank you. That's because neither of them gave a card or gift. I mulled over it, even had a little tif with one of them, but thought I had passed it. However, one of them just got engaged and wants me in the wedding and I just attended another friends wedding (we don't like the bride, we are all friends with the groom but went to support him) and she gave him a card. I can't help but feel hurt. I'm suppose to be thier "best friend". I could care less about the gift but a card isnt hard to do. Some recognition that you're happy/proud for me. The one friend gave a wedding card possibly gift to friends we're not real close with and the other wants me to be a part of her wedding. Needless to say I'm feeling the hurt again and am not sure what I should do. I don't want to be mean, a ***, or do what they did to me, I'm not that person. At the same time I don't want to be cast off. Advice would be greatly appreciated!
Re: Friendships
BTW, a wedding gift is not a requirement. If you get one, great, if not, what can ya do?
There was a married couple in our wedding party -- they were cousins of the groom -- and we got no wedding gift from D & K. I am guessing that they thought their presence in our wedding party was the gift.
Weddings, like death and divorce, can bring out weird qualities in people. I"d graciously decline the wedding party invitation and I'd cool it with both these ladies. How badly do you want or need friends? Sounds to me like these people are not friends at all.
The only question that matters here is "Do I still like these people?" and (follow-up) "How much time do I want to spend with them?"
Sometimes it takes the big stuff (weddings, babies, moving, new job) to see that we've actually grown apart from some people, or that we're seeing them more because we're used to getting together than because we enjoy each other's company. If you have drifted apart, you don't have to be unkind about stepping back- but you can step back. (And if your decision is that you don't want to be a bridesmaid in the one friend's wedding, def. let her know ASAP.)
That said- I know I've both heard and read before that people in the bridal party consider their expenses before the wedding (the dress, the shower, etc.) as their wedding gift. I do kind of call into question the "they didn't even write us a card" mindset- if they were in your wedding, they're thinking of you, happy for you, love and support you. A card would have been lovely, but it's not a requirement.
Huh? Really? A piece of paper with some nice sentiments matters more and youre going to base the future of your friendship on that?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with pp. I've been in two of my three BFF's wedding (the third isn't married yet) and they both said that since all the bridesmaids had to spend money on a dress, shoes, hair, makeup, travel etc etc that they didn't expect a gift from us.
I didn't get a gift from some regular wedding guests who weren't involved in the wedding at all. That isnt important or at least not as important as you think it is.
Get over it and get a life! OMG.
It was my impression that because those in the wedding party pay hundreds of dollars to be part of your day that they are not required to give an additional gift. I know I don't when I'm a bridesmaid. Yes, a card would have been nice, especially since it doesn't seem like they were all that supportive during the planning time, when they should have been expressing their well wishes for you.
I'd be more upset that they couldn't lay their drama aside and celebrate with you, not that they didn't give you a gift. Either way, it's time for new friends. Tell the one chick you're not interested in celebrating with her, just like she wasn't interested in celebrating with you.
best of luck meeting and forming friendships with healthier people!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
To everyone thats saying to get over it and "get a life" that s not exactly advice. Its one of those occasions where something reminds you of a bad memory and feelings come back. This doesnt mean I dont have a life, your comment was rude and uncalled for. I didnt need a gift!!!!! I NEVER said it was a requirement. But a nice card with a little message it in from my friends would have been great. Maybe if they had actually done something for my shower, which they didnt my mom and MOH did everything I may be able to consider expenses. They didnt have to travel, I paid for thier hair on the day of, so they only had to buy the dress which they picked out. I hope that those of you who think im dumb for feeling this way never have something like this happen to you. Remember you don't know the whole situation.
To those who actually gave advice I thank you. I'm stepping back and re-evaluating my friendships and how important they are to me. Thank you to those who actually had helpful things to say.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
On the flip side what did you do to show them your appreciation? What did you get Them as mementos or write them as cards?
My bridesmaids did fight during the planning process and I did get in a fight with one the day of our wedding. I think two of them did not get us gifts or cards but I can't remember. I gave them all personalized gifts and hand wrote them all thank you notes about who they have been in my life and how I am grateful to have them as friends. The girl I fought with and I have grown apart some but I am still friends with everyone. I would be disappointed if my bridesmaids couldn't have been bothered to celebrate with me, or were consumed by petty drama. It sounds like you're focusing on the cards when their overall failure to be friends was the issue. You're fixating on a symptom, not the real disease. Until you address the real problem you won't be able to find the cure and will continue to feel bitter.
Just because you may communicate w/ cards and/or communicate w/ a lot of others with cards does not mean that everyone does that. Just because they don't do what you expect doesn't make it wrong. I think you have a lot of unreasonable expectations here. People are pointing that out and you are getting bent out of shape about it.
I'd ask yourself why it isn't enough that they participated in sharing and supporting you on such an important day in your life and celebrating your marriage. Why do you expect more?
What are you planning to do with all those cards anyways? Keep them until you die and have them buried with you? It's not a big deal and like everyone else said, her presence was enough.
I have been in two weddings this year as a bridesmaid. It is uncool your friends fought and could not be more mature about the situation but did you know they did not get along when you asked them? Also what is you age group? I feel age and maturity have a lot to do with common courtesies and follow through. If you are quite young then your wedding was unfortunately the wedding that showed what the responsibilities are regarding being in the wedding party. Which there are quite a few to satisfy everyone, financially and timewise. With the two weddings I have been invloved in there seems to be very high expectations. I know that this was your day and you wanted it to be special but it is just the first day of your marital relationship where there happens to be a party for you and your groom. The important part should be that you and your husband are starting a long life together and that your friends loved you enough to want to be there for that day. If you take away all the wedding hysteria would you really be that upset say if it was your birthday party and you did not receive a card? Bottom line, yes your friends are immature but were these one time out of character occurrences? If so, it is not worth ending the friendship in my opion.