Relationships
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what is happening?
so we've been married about a year and 7 months, but together almost 7 years and I feel stuck in this rut. Is this what the 7 year itch is? I feel like everything husband does is annoying and I'm constantly upset. There is a ton going on right now and maybe my emotions are just mis-directed? We are trying to get a short sale house right now, and maybe the stress of that is just piling up? When we got engaged we decided this was the month we'd start trying for a baby but with the house, and it being a complete fixer upper husband really wants to put it off for a year so we can get the house ready. Which sounds responsible but I just feel devastated about it. Husband's family is totally driving me nuts, but I can't tell him cause he will be so hurt since I usually get along so well with his family. But his interrupting mother is about to push me over the edge? How does a mother interrupt that much? Isn't a mother the one teaching manners? I honestly dont think I have finished a sentence around her in 7 years. She also is constantly planning trips for us - paid! Which is SO generous, but I dont want to spend all my off from work time with the family. My husband hates my family, so we rarely see them, and his point is valid, but I feel like we see so much of his family and none of mine. I just think it should be more equal, or at least a little less so off balance. And so with this house (which we will be living a street away from his folks) they have asked if they could park their 4th car...yes 4th... is our new garage - although we arent even in escrow yet. I just think its SO rude, it's our house. No you can't use our garage, you have our own house. Husband thinks I'm rude cause I think no. After all there is two of us, why do we need 3 car garage, but it was my plan to put his work out room in the 3rd slot, and now he wants it in the house so his dad can buy a new car. I'm just so overly frustrated, needed to rant. But they are giving us the 20% cash we need to get the house - although we are paying them back in set increments over 16 months - hence me needing to work for a while longer before baby. Am I really being unreasonable?
Re: what is happening?
Wow. That's a lot. Since you asked, I'll give you my opinion.
1) The seven year itch is real. I don't have any advice on how to work through it, but I highly recommend you read a book or two to help understand what you're going through. it would be a shame to throw away your relationship over something that is temporary.
2) Selling/Buying houses are one of the 3 biggest stressors in a relationship. I wanted to beat my DH when we were buying our first house. Again, temporary.
3)Now is not the right time for a baby. I know this is when you wanted to start trying, but sometimes plans have to be flexible. Work out the house thing and anything else that's stressing you out before you TTC. I promise, a preganncy and baby will only magnify your discontent.
4) Interruptors are very annoying. Try to develop ways to get her to stop. When she interrupts, say "I'm sorry, I wasn't finished with what I was saying." and then finish your sentence. Do this often enough and she will eventually get the point.
5) Vacations - Paid vacation sounds great, but maybe only take them up on it 50% of the time if you want some time without them.
6) DH doesn't get to cut out your family and force you to blindly accept whatever his family wants. Sorry, not a grown up way to deal with things. If he refuses to go with you, and you want to maintain a relationship with your family, go without him. However, 10 out of 10 peole that I know who have to go this route end up resenting their spouse. Your DH needs to be fair and balanced with how you spend your time.
7) I think they need to rent a storage unit for the third car. However, since they loaned you the money, maybe you can let them borrow your garage for the 16 months until you pay them back? Have DH sign a contract stating that he agrees to this, and the car must be removed and the weight equipment moved into the garage within 30 days of last payment to the Inlaws - no questions, no whining, no guff.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Anything an IL wants to do that you do not like, just say NO. And stand together on it. If they have decency and common sense, they will be just fine with your no.
to clarify - since you said " it would be a shame to throw away your relationship over something that is temporary." I'm not thinking of throwing anything away. I'm just wondering since we've been together 7 years, is this what is meant by the 7 year itch - you get annoyed with each other?
I'm not real sure what the 7 year itch is. From what I can see online it says that its monotony, dull, boring part of a relationship.
Thank you for your words... I appreciate them.
I know now is not the time for a baby - but I can't help but feel so sad about not trying right now. I guess I just had it in my head for the last 3 years, that now would be the time, its here, and we decided to wait. I just feel sad about it.
Interrupting - I've gotten to the point where I just dont even want to talk around her anymore, she wont stop talking when she interupts you, she talks over you and loud. Example - telling grandma and grandpa about the house, she interrupts me to talk about her friends son (whom no one knows) and his problems with getting a house. So by the time she stops talking she is so far off subject you look like an idiot saying "back to what I was saying" I just think its so rude.
Vacations - it would be great to turn it down. But when you are surprised with plane tickets booked and hotel reservation booked. You can't really say we can't make it. Example - New years eve. She booked us on the red eye flight 10pm to go to disneyworld we land at like 8am. then have 2 days in disneyworld, then fly back before work on tuesday. So no time off work. But who can sleep on a 4 hour flight? and be ready for a day of disneyworld. Flights are booked before we know about it with miles, so we cant make any changes, so it a better time for us and we can go when we want and not be exhausted all weekend. It just seem presumptuous to me to book someone a flight without their knowledge.Then we look like the jerks if we dont go.
My husband and deals... if only it worked out that way...lol. Our original deal was that it could be in the house till there was baby, but with little fingers no workout equipment in the house. Move to garage, and deal was made, confirmed, and kissed on. So dad calls up hey there's this car I want... can I store it in your garage, husband says sure let me talk to wife. I say no. I look like B***** and big fight ensues. Granted no baby. But seriously, this is their second "summer" house, and a total of 10 cars. why are we a storage unit for it. Just seems rude to even ask your child that. So then do they get a key to the house to get their car when they want. Come over and interrupt me whenever they want? just feels like no boundaries.
So make some.....
An idea about the vacations, plan yours way ahead of time. Say to your MIL, "I'm really excited DH and I just booked a cruise for my summer vacation week" she won't be able to plan your time for you.
You need boundaries. There is nothing wrong with saying no to a vacation that isn't what you want to do. Let them know that you will be planning your own vacations from now on and that if they want to plan a family trip, to let you know beforehand and you will let them know if it works for you.
Do you want to see your family? Because your H doesn't just get to veto seeing your family. If you make a joint decision that you don't want to be around your family for whatever reason, that's fine. But it is wrong of him to prohibit you from seeing your family if you want to.
As far as the house goes, I would not want the car there either. And I would say no. But then you need to be prepared for them to take the money back.
Bottom line, though, is this: you and your H need to get on the same page. Because it seems like he doesn't care what you think and always sides with his family. And that is not ok.
I don't remember having a seven year itch. But I do see a lot of issues here:
1) deals. When you are married things pop up, circumstances change, expectations, desires, needs change. You need to give each other the room to change the plan and be supportive and understanding. Its fine to want a baby but you all are not in a position to do it financially right now. So be disappointed, share your disappointment, but also put on your big girl pants and get on board with the decision that is best for you both as a couple and your life as a couple.
2) money comes with strings attached. You can't just go with hands outstretched to his family for a down payment for a house, even a loan, and then expect to be able to enforce the exact boundaries you want.
3) you do need boundaries with his family. he needs to be on board and help enforce.
You both sound somewhat young and immature; each focusing on what you want and seeing the other person as a roadblock to what you, as an individual, want rather than as a team.
I would talk to your DH and have him ask your MIL not to pay for any more vacations for you guys. Just have him tell her that you really appreciate the ones in the past, but with work obligations are no longer able to accept any in the future.
Since you borrowed money from them for the house, I would let them park their car at the house until you pay them back. Money comes with strings, and this is one of them.
Talk to your DH and tell him you think family time needs to be more balance with your family. I am guessing that the relationship is strained, so maybe you guys can come up with a plan on how to deal with certain situations ahead of time. For example if your time with your family is strained because they criticize you both all the time, then think of polite responses which also stand up for yourselves.
I would try to spend less time with MIL, and maybe either say something nicely to her about the interrupting, try to ignore it, or make it something funny for yourself. Like every time she interrupts you get to take a sip of beer lol.
I wouldn't have a baby with owning money to the IL's. I know its sucks, but will be better in the long run.