Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Move in then marriage or Marriage then move in (Curious on opinions)
I personally believe in moving in together before getting married for my own beliefs.
What do you believe? Should you move in with your boyfriend before you get engaged or married, should you move in when you are now fiances or after you get married? Why? Is that what you did?
Re: Move in then marriage or Marriage then move in (Curious on opinions)
I think every couple is different and has different needs. I didn't move in until after I was married for practical (I moved back in with my parents when I went back to school to save money and because they live wayyyy closer to the school then I could ever afford...I didn't start dating H until the fall I started back at school) and religious reasons (more so not to lose respect from my very religious parents, and to be a role model to the girls in the youth group that I mentor), but I don't side-eye any of my friends who are living together and not married.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
It depends. I told my FI that I didn't want to move in together until we were engaged. And his opinion was that he wanted to live together before we got engaged. But because we were looking to buy a house and not rent something he surprised me by proposing last September. His reasoning is that he wanted to be with me hands down but then he realized he wanted more of a commitment before we bought a house.
One of my main reasons I wanted to be engaged is because I lived with my ex boyfriend for nearly 3 years and it ended badly. I moved out and had the land lord remove me from the lease.
So I guess it depends on the relationship you have.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
MOVE IN MOVE IN MOVE IN FIRST.
Soooo many variables can go wrong that it's important to test it out and make sure you're compatible before you go off marrying someone. Between chores, money, sex, fighting-styles, work schedules, family obligations, the list goes on and on as to what kinds of issues can come up. I personally am very glad DH and I moved in first. It made the transition to being married so much easier, and I had no doubt that we could live together for the rest of our lives.
That being said, if people are against it for religious reasons or whatever, I don't judge. To each their own.
I say move in first, but ONLY if you think this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with. I don't think it's okay to just move in with every guy you date just to see how well you live together, because that is how you get comfortable and stuck. It';s MUCH harder to leave someone once you are living with them, so you need to be 100% committed to that person and the idea that you may want to be with them the rest of your life.
I moved in with DH after about 2 years of dating because I knew eventually we would get married. After about a year of living together, which was definitely an interesting adjustment, he popped the question. I truly believe living together first was the best decision for us. There's no need to add the stress of adjusting to living with someone and sharing finances all at the same time as making one of the biggest changes in your life. Married life is supposed to be fun and mostly stress-free.
We'd been living together for almost 3 years exclusively (3.5 if you count the months I lived with him and his roommates) before we got married. We knew where our relationship was headed and had already started talking about marriage before moving in, but still wanted to know how to live together. It was a huge help. We've only been married for a few weeks now, but I definitely think we benefited from living together first.
I do think it is a decision every couple needs to make for themselves, and not something to be rushed into.
Marriage is supposed to be forever and that's a long damned time.
There's no way I'd marry someone without living with them first.
I wanted to be engaged before we bought a house, but I would not have wanted to wait until we were married to live together. We had been together for six years and moving in together was a big adjustment! I think it's important to get to know the person you're marrying because as PP said, it's forever. Gotta test drive that car before you buy it.
I can't imagine going through the stress of wedding planning, then having to move and unpack and get settled in a new environment right after getting married. I feel like it would be too many life changes at once and it could get quite overwhelming. I don't judge those who do it, but I know we made the right choice for us.
H and I both believe (for religious reasons) in not living together before marriage. We also don't believe in sex before marriage. Three years and counting later I still have no regrets.
We got a lot of flak from people (not family or friends but coworkers and random people we came in contact with) for not living together beforehand. We discussed things to death... chores, kids, money, communication styles etc etc etc and we had premarital counseling beforehand as well.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
It was very important to me that DH and I live together before we got married or engaged. Like so many of the previous posters, I wanted as much information as possible before making a commitment for forever. I'm happy with how things have worked out, but in hindsight, I'm less convinced that it is important now than I was at the time. Unless you are actually willing and able to pack up and move out if it's not a good fit (and it seems like most people aren't), you aren't actually getting more information before committing, you're just committing when you seem to already know you aren't ready for marriage yet.
Also, I think living together can give a false sense of security and sense of readiness for marriage. I just cringe when I hear couples say they are prepared for marriage because they lived together. Juggling chores when you live in a small apartment is way easier than juggling two careers and the moves they might unexpectedly require, juggling potentially conflicting big dreams, juggling child rearing, and on and on. Living together is something you do a lot of in marriage, but it is in no way a substitute for the other things couples do to prepare for marriage. The rest of your lives is a long time, and you can definitely count on new and bigger challenges down the road.
On the flip side, I also know couples who rushed marriage because they couldn't wait to play house and have sex, and it didn't work out at all.
I think the important thing is to be careful in who you marry. Living together can help or hinder that, depending on many factors.
You should only move in together if you're positive you are getting married. Too many people move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend out of convenience or because it's the next step only to find themselves married and wondering how it happened.
If you are sure you're getting hitched, move in together. Start getting used to him, training him, or learning to deal with him. Living with someone is amazing, but only if you're already that committed.
Many people whose parents have divorced think living together before getting married will give them a good trial-run before tying the knot. Unfortunately, there are a lot of statistics to show this doesn't help your marriage in the long run.
Part of the problem is the way people think about cohabitation. It doesn't seem as permanent as marriage even though you're doing all the same things married people do. Because of this, cheating seems less wrong and you are more willing to throw in the towel when you get fed up with the little annoying habits all people have. The resulting emotional damage is just as painful as divorce.
The only differences between cohabitation and marriage are the piece of paper and the legal protections that come with it. The financial damage is worse than a divorce. Even if you help pay for a car or place to live, you may get nothing back if it is in your partner's name. Things get even more complicated if you have kids in the meantime.
My advice would be to wait if you really care about your partner. If you're thinking of just living together because you're uncertain, wait till you are sure you've found the right person. If it's financial necessity that's driving your decision, you could move the date of the wedding up. That was what my husband and I had to do. Best of luck for a lasting relationship
Here are some statistics on divorce and cohabitation: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf