Family Matters
firefly723
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Fiance's family does not like me
I recently got engaged a couple weeks ago. I have always had a rocky relationship with my fiance's sister, but things have gotten so much worse recently. She talks down to me, bosses me around, tells me I need to change myself to be in their family, takes all of my things, threatens me that if I do not allow her to borrow my things we will have a bad relationship. The most recent fight started between her and my fiance and somehow I was drawn into it. She feels he does not pay as much attention to her now that I am in the picture and she takes it out on me. I have tried to be nice to her and talked to her telling her I am not taking him away from her, but it doesn't help. My fiance says I am not handling the situation well and that I need to stand up more for myself. He should be standing up for me! He says he is, but then he goes and hangs out with her and texts her and jokes with her all day. This is not acceptable to me if he is supposed to be standing up for me. I cry almost everyday now about this. He doesn't understand this is ruining us and that we may not make it to our wedding day if this continues. I have been in a relationship where my family hated my prior boyfriend and after several years and lots of fighting and heartache it ended. I know what can happen. I want to be strong and fight for our relationship, but I just don't know what to do. Anyone else have any situations like this and can give me some advice?
Re: Fiance's family does not like me
Sure, to a certain degree you should and can stnad up for yourself. BUT this lies largely w/ your FI - as you seem to realize.
When he tells you that you aren't handling the "situation well", what does he say you should do? What does HE think would work?
But really- I don't know that this matters. He needs to tell his sister in no uncertain terms that she needs to treat you w/ respect and if she can't, then SHE is the reason she and he aren't close. Not you.
I do wonder, though - do you all live with her? Why/how does she "take all your things"?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She lives a couple blocks away from us and will come over all the time. She took some of my clothing this weekend while I was not there.
I feel you here. My SIL hates me and has rallied several other IL's to her cause, which has led to a very strained relationship between DH/I and his family. We went through a lot, almost called off our wedding and have been struggling with them ever since. Here's the best advice I can give to you:
1. You and your fiance need to be on the same page. You need to have an honest discussion with him about what is going on, how this situation makes you feel and what you need from him in order to have your relationship work. Your relationship needs to come first, before the relationship with the sister. Non-defensive language will work best. He may resist you, say you are part of the problem, etc. Take responsibility for your part in the situation, but be sure to approach the issue proactively and in a way that will allow you to move forward. Saying things like, "When SIL does X, it makes me feel Y and causes a strain on my relationship with you, fiance," sounds silly, but will likely work better than arguing and getting upset with each other about it. If he is willing to hear you out, great. If not, you need to evaluate your options (dealing with it as is, counseling or leaving). You need to get to a good place with him first and make sure your relationship is safe, protected and strong before handling the sister. She will likely use any perceived weaknesses or differences between you and your fiance against you.
2. Your future SIL isn't going to change just because you want her to. You can only control yourself and your reactions to what she does. Are you placing unrealistic expectations on your future SIL, your finance or even yourself or an unrealistic timeline on changing the behavior? I'm not saying you are, it's just something to consider and think about in order to maintain your relationship and your sanity.
3. If you and your fiance can be united in this situation, he will likely need to talk to his sister since she is holding onto him. You two can decide what your role in this conversation should be. He will have to explain things to her, stick to facts and hold your bottom lines. She will likely use any tactic in the book to keep him or at least use her go-to behaviors to get him to do what she wants (after all, it's probably worked before). It'll be a tough conversation, but if you both handle yourself maturely, there isn't much she will be able to do if she's a reasonable person (and that may be a big if).
Bottom line -- even if things aren't perfect between you and future SIL, it's your relationship with your fiance that matters most. Make that strong because you will need to rely on each other to handle the extended family now and in the future. Good luck!
1-How about sticking UP for yourself? She's your lord and master? Don't take this bullshit from her
2- She's immature and jealous
3-Your FI isn't man enough to tell her to pipe the hell down once and for all.
I for one would not want a guy who hasn't got my back, even if i stick up for myself in this situation. Rethink him because he hasn't got the common sense to have your back.
If so, I'd be reading HIM the riot act.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
10 times out of 9, the offender has a key.
And if she does, change the locks!
She just comes over to your house and takes your things? Why does she even want to borrow your clothes if she doesn't even like you? That's really bizarre. And her taking your things is unacceptable.
FI really needs to step up and address this. He should be telling her how this is affecting HIM (since that's all she cares about) that may make her think twice about her behavior. He needs to lay down some consequences too for their relationship if her ridiculous behavior continues.
Bottom line - if he's not willing to stand up for you now, he won't be willing to do if when you're married. You need to come first in his eyes, not his sister, not anyone else ever. If he can't do that you have a serious problem.
How old are you? This whole thing is ridiculous, get away from this situation. Why would you want to live with or marry a "man" who is letting his sister control his time?
You can do better. Get out now before you have children & she comes over & "borrows" them.
You let this chick come in and take and do what she wants? Stop being a doormat. And change the locks! Do whatever it is you gotta do to stop this.
FSIL sounds like a control freak! You need to stand your ground with her! If your FI doesn't stand up for you get the hell out now!
exactly. wow a bully (and thief) for a sil and a spineless husband. that's what will be if you marry this guy unless he grows a spine and you stand up to her and he does too.
Congratulations on your engagement! I too, have people in my FI's family who do not like me. They have repeatedly told him that I'm not good enough and and they say awful things about me. This being said:please don't let it bring you down. She is being petty and immature. If you and your fiance' are living together, you have a say-so, too. Therefore, you should have a right to let her know how often she is/isn't allowed over.
This woman sounds controlling and manipulative and though you are capable for sticking up for yourself, your FI should be sticking up for YOU! As partners, you should be sticking up for each other-even when it comes to family. Especially now that you are engaged, you should be his first priority. Once you're married, he definitely should be putting you first...That means sticking up for you and taking your concerns and feelings into account. He needs to man up and set some ground rules for his sister. Him letting her get away with these things is NOT okay and the situation should be dealt with. I'm sorry you are going through all this trouble and I wish you luck!
Once you're married he needs to put you first???
Wrong --- very very wrong.
He needed to put her first the second he and she became a committed couple.
You think this can wait until after marriage??? Really?
And the second he did not come to her defense the first time, the OP shoudl have made sure this guy was out of her life once and for all.
And your FI is just as bad as this character that the OP is engaged to.
Holy cow --- you're gettig flak and static and animosity and he has done nothing to come to your defense. They've said hjorrible things about you and he's done nothing?
Don't ask me what I think of that.
In addition to this guy's not ready for marriage and you're making a huge mistake by marrying a spineless weasel, the same as the OP is.
A man who cannot come to the defense of his girlfriend/committed partner/SO/FI is NO man at all. It's zero character, immaturity, no sense of decency and it's giving the person tacit permission to say and do as they wish...while he just stands down and does nothing.
And oh yeah -- it is zero respect for his FI.
To the both of you: good luck with these 2 little wimps --- you'll have a long road ahead of you. There sure has been a long road in back of the both of you, too.
Why would you want to marry a spineless man and in to this crappy family?
My advice: stay single for a while longer until YOU learn how to stand up for yourself and until you find a man worthy of marrying.
My ILs don't like me either. They have been beyond bitchy and rude ever since I first met them.... Once DH proposed, we were engaged for over a year, because I needed to know that he would have my back, and we would be a united front. He stepped up, and since he's the perfect fit for me, we tied the knot. Honestly, things never got "better" with his family, and now that we have kids it's even worse. They treat me like crap still and my kids are now being affected. (who doesn't invite their kids' own cousins to their little birthday? i mean come on!). Anyway, there would be no way I would have committed to my husband in such a big way when i had the chance to walk away if he would let his sisters (and really the whole family) walk over me. I know they still do the same crap as always, but you know what, at least now they know that i don't want to be involved in their drama. you don't want to like me? fine. but don't bring that crap to me, because i deserve at the least your respect as a human being and as your brother's wife. gah.
I would have a candid discussion with your SO and let him know what you expect of him, as a man, and as your future husband. If he can't show you how much you mean to him (by treating you as priority, and telling his family to back off, um yah switch the locks as well) then i'd really rethink the course of this relationship.
It sucks having Inlaws that treat you poorly, but even more it sucks when your kids become involved, and get hurt feelings because of it. Save yourself the heartache and seriously think about where you are headed.... They won't ever change, so don't fool yourself. If your SO can show you he is willing to step up, great. If he can't... well.. I wouldn't sign up for that personally.
GL
Oh, do I know what you're going through! My sister in law is absolutely wicked and has had it out for me (for god knows what) since day #1. Currently, I flat out ignore her, but that is due to her antics at our wedding. My husband also avoids her at all costs. But, when I did have to interact with her, I buttered her up. When she pulled her nonsense, like telling me that I could never be good enough for their family, I just smiled sweetly and told her that he loved me for a reason. At one point or another, I felt just like you: That he wasn't sticking up for me, and there was no point in a marriage if this is what I would have to deal with. But, then I realized that he loves me. Don't let her win! Blow smoke up her jealous behind!