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THIS is what I waited for?!
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I'm 24 and he is 30. I waited for marriage to have sex (he didn't.) He has been basically my first everything. But sex is defiantly not what I thought it was going to be. I wasn't naive thinking it was going to be amazing, but I did think he would want it more than he does. I mean I hear all these stories about how most men are sex crazy, he is NOT.
I remember we were arguing on our honeymoon about not having enough sex. So this has been a problem since the beginning. I'll admit I want it a lot, But he can go weeks without it. I thought his lack of wanting sex was a faze but here we are two years later and we still have the same problem, and it can only get worst with age right?
I've tried so much, and nothing works. This has hurt me so bad. I feel like there is something wrong with me, does he just not desire me. But when I ask him that question he swears he loves everything about me.
He just comes to bed and falls to sleep no touching or playing. The last time we were intimate, it was a week before the last time and I (like always) put on the moves. I move in and kiss him and ask if he is in the mood. He giggles!!! So I lay back. He noticed I was bothered so he began to kiss me, skipping forward I give him oral and when he is done he falls to sleep. Thats it!!
I don't know what to do. I want to experience sex too. He had other partners and was in a relationship that was "nothing but sex" He is my only experience and I feel so cheated if THIS is what I waited for.
Sorry this is long. I don't know what to do and I'm ready to give up.
Re: THIS is what I waited for?!
He needs to work on this with you. How much "not enough" sex is not enough? How often are you having sex? That's the big question.
You and he are newlyweds. Considering marriage is an adjustment and you're getting used to living with each other, among other things that are new and need adjustment, I would say twice a week or even 3 times a week would be fantastic.
What was his sex life like with his other ladies before he met you? I wonder.
Here's the scoop: as I said, you and he need to sit down like 2 full grown adults and discuss this -- and then work on it together. "honey, I would love to have more sex with you; let's work together on this toward this goal. Twice or three times a week would be great." Tell him that.
And if he shuts down or gives you the silent treatment or does ANYTHING but start to meet you on this goal, you've got an even bigger problem than an H who won't be more sexually active with you. You've got a character problem and that's pretty bad. Marriage is all about making sure your spouse is satisfied on all levels and he won't see you through.
In essence, his nonaction is saying "I like things the way they are and that's that." Character problem.
So this has gone on for two whole years.
Cripes....why didn't you address this issue when it BEGAN???? You are waiting until now to do something about this???
2 years?
He's either gay, asexual, just not into sex for whatever reason or just has a very very low sex drive.
The deal:
You talk to him, he refuses to ante up.
You can:
Accept things for the way they are
Ask him for an open relationship where you can have sex with whoever you want
Or you can get this marriage dissolved. The courts used to call this "alienation of affection."
All this from the guy who claims one of his relationships was "nothing but sex." I will bet you he is lying through his teeth about that one -- and even still, wow, what is he? 12 years old??? that sounds like a very adolescent way to describe a relationship.
The choice is up to you.
Let me ask you this one: When you were dating and then when you were engaged, what was the extent of your physical relationship with him? how far did you get? Just curious to see how the guy with a relationship that was "nothing but sex" handled himself.
One more thing: "age"??? that's a misconception. There are many many people in their 60s and 70s who are very sexually active -- and besides, the dude is THIRTY, not NINETY.
Something is wrong with this picture and what you are describing is not riught and has not been right. I urge you to get to the bottom of what's happening and get satisfaction on this. Good luck.
I have to agree on a lot of points Tarpon mentioned. Age has nothing to do with it. I've been in a marriage like that, where i'm always starting the affection and getting turned down, so i stopped trying and bought the rabbit, then he would get mad at me when he saw it in the bathroom. but that's totally different, my first DH had issues with drugs and mental abuse. after we got married the sex seemed to lessen and lessen, like once every 2 months.
He needs to work on it with you no question about it. when we were married we had sex like 3 times a week up until i got pregnant and then my sex drive went away and now that we have a kid, we are lucky to get it in twice a month.
There is something more going on, I would suggest counseling on it stat!
I don't think this is a health issue.
He's been like this for 2 years that she knows of. It's very likely this is the way he has always been. And no, I don't buy it one bit about the relationship he had that was "nothing but sex."
Something is fishy here and has been for 2 years. Bottom line: it is up to him to make sure his wife is happy and satisfied. He isn't doing that, which speaks loudly about his character and devotion.
He won't ante up and he won't get busy? Time for the OP to seek an open relationship -- a rabbit doesn't solve all; it more or less skirts the entire issue with her H not ever being in the mood for sex -- or time for the OP to move on and get this sham of a marriage dissolved.
It could also be that he is having an affair. Guys can be mighty good at covering their tracks. Whatever it is, this is not conducive to a happy or healthy marriage and the OP needs to get this problem solved once and for all.
Here is how good guys are at covering their tracks -- and this is a true story:
A guy that I will call John is dating a woman I'll call Mary.
What Mary does not know is that John has also been seeing 2 other women.
Mary hasn't has sex with John in ages: in well over a year. John told her he had a low testosterone level and that the doc convfirmed it. The doc's appointment was allegedly last November. John did not get any type of meds to solve the problem. So Mary is buying it hook line and sinker that the testosterone problem is the reason for his never having sex with her at all.
Mary also has not questioned why the problem isn't being medically addressed with a supplement. This, of course, is Mary's lookout and that's too bad... anyway, that's how guys cover for themselves. And this is how women buy it.
I already said that the way he acts in this situation is not right. I'm not saying it couldn't be something fishy, I just gave her a possible reason that didn't involve him being adulterous, because he might not be. Not every man likes admitting his hormone levels are off, and some can go into denial. My own husband was hard pressed to admit he was losing interest in sex, and I know he's not having an affair. He goes to work, comes home. Goes bowling with friends I know would be asking for him if he didn't show, comes home. I've seen his tests. It's the hormones. It was an issue for awhile, I sat him down and talked it out, and he's been trying harder. When that stops working, we'll seek hormone therapy, but right now it's all good.
I was only suggesting she talk to him. It's not like a woman has never shut her husband out without actually realizing she was doing it, why can't a man do the same thing? If a serious talk doesn't change anything, or suggest he wants to, then yeah, something is probably up. But she never said whether or not she's tried telling him she's not happy, so I'm not going to immediately jump to the conclusion that he's cheating. Just that it's not an acceptable situation.
Certainly a health checkup would be a good idea. There might be a possibility but if this has gone on for 2 years, I wonder if his problem really is hormones. He shoujld have his thyroid checked, also. Low or high levels can kill your sex drive.
What will be telling: how he handles this entire scenario. If he won't check up, or get busy or if he won't make sure his wife is happy and satisfied, this is bad news. As I said, it's now a character issue.
I spoke to him today. He seemed concerned and said he will change. He said he wishes it wasn't all about the sex. & it's not but it is a big part.
I have no problem speaking to him about anything, especially sex. I spoke to him about this before. And after he tries but them after a week or two we're back to the old routine.
Today when we spoke I told him that this is the last time, if things don't change I'm done. And it's not because the sex, it's what it does to me. It makes me feel so undesired and horrible. I can't go through these emotions anymore.
I know he is not cheating, or gay, I hope lol.
As far as the "nothing but sex" relationship he had, that's all it consist of no official titles or dating. When they did see each other it was about sex and thats it.
He also suggested getting himself checked out. So now to wait and see. But I'm am ready to be done with this if I see no change. I want experiences in life and this is not what I thought sex will be. Now I understand the saying, how does it go? Before you buy a car take it for a test drive lol
Thank you ladies for your advice. I hope for the best.
I spoke to him today. He seemed concerned and said he will change. He said he wishes it wasn't all about the sex. & it's not but it is a big part.
It is not "all about the sex" -- partially it is -- but what it is all about is concern for you, character and ensuring you are happy in all areas of your marriage.
What I find disturbing also --- you do not mention any affection. Affection also is important outside the bedroom: does he show appreciation for everhting you do for him? Does he say thank you and please and compliment you, whether you look great or whether you cooked a great meal or when you've done even the "littlest" of things for him -- buy his favorite snack, iron his favorite shirt, take his suits to the cleaners, bring home some little trinket for him from one of your shopping sprees, for example?
If he shows no affection towards you outside the bedroom, not only is it inconsiderate and insensitive, he's a cold fish. Sad.
I have no problem speaking to him about anything, especially sex. I spoke to him about this before. And after he tries but them after a week or two we're back to the old routine.
So where was his concern then?
I see none here at all
I would very kindly tell him in no short terms that his marriage to you is on the line, thanks to his unresponsiveness. If he doesn't snap into action after that, wow. Bad news.
I would not be surprised if you got the same ole response from him this time around. Doesn't he care for you at all?
Today when we spoke I told him that this is the last time, if things don't change I'm done. And it's not because the sex, it's what it does to me. It makes me feel so undesired and horrible. I can't go through these emotions anymore.
So what did he say about that?
I know he is not cheating, or gay, I hope lol.
Not cheating or gay? I'd ask him straight away (so to speak) if he is gay.
As far as the "nothing but sex" relationship he had, that's all it consist of no official titles or dating. When they did see each other it was about sex and thats it.
So whhat happened? was he all used up from this person? Where's the sex for YOU?
He also suggested getting himself checked out. So now to wait and see.
You've have been wise to give him a deadline. And if he doesn't ante up, you know what to do.
But I'm am ready to be done with this if I see no change. I want experiences in life and this is not what I thought sex will be. Now I understand the saying, how does it go? Before you buy a car take it for a test drive lol
If you are committed to your partner and the both of you are mutually excclusive and you both care about each other, nothing at all wrong with having sex.
Sorry all of this is happening to you. Put yourself first. That is what is most important.
Thank you ladies for your advice. I hope for the best.
that's my mantra:) LOL. seriously, i'm sorry you have a horrible sex life. I know the feeling and sex is a HUGE part of marriage.
And if it so turns out that your H will not make the effort and will not make you happy, do what's right: say goodbye to him and go out and find yourself a guy who thinks you're hotter than the proverbial fuse.;)
If ther also is no type of affection shown toward you in non-sexual situations, very bad. What's he good for? What is he bringing to your table?
The vow is "forsaking all others." I believe that the non-forsaking classification also includes making sure that your spouse is happy, satisfied and loved.
I've been down this road. For several years.
There are lots of things that can affect men's sex drive and/or ability to perform - stress, ulcer meds, lots of medications can, sleep apnea, low T. DH has low T and sleep apnea.
Other than sex he's a great guy and when we have sex it rocks my world. I love him. I understand how being turned down time after time undermines your confidence and makes you feel ugly, fat, undesirable, etc... What's worse than being turned down, is your partner knowing you want it and giving you sympathy sex.
After 2 years I finally made us both Drs appts, we see the same doc and we both really like our doc. And, I told the doc to either break me or fix DH. I was at the end of my rope, not willing to throw away an otherwise good relationship over a lack of sex when we still had affection and intimacy.
DH has severe sleep apnea and he's treating it with a CPAP machine and we're back to once or twice a week, where we both want it and we're both excited.
What's worse than being turned down, is your partner knowing you want it and giving you sympathy sex.
And bad, too, is when your partner will not work on the problem with you so that he meets your requirements and ensures you are happy.
I spoke to him today. He seemed concerned and said he will change. He said he wishes it wasn't all about the sex. & it's not but it is a big part.??It is not "all about the sex" -- partially it is -- but what it is all about is concern for you, character and ensuring you are happy in all areas of your marriage.??What I find disturbing also --- you do not mention any affection. Affection also is important outside the bedroom: does he show appreciation for everhting you do for him? Does he say thank you and please and compliment you, whether you look great or whether you cooked a great meal or when you've done even the "littlest" of things for him -- buy his favorite snack, iron his favorite shirt, take his suits to the cleaners, bring home some little trinket for him from one of your shopping sprees, for example???If he shows no affection towards you outside the bedroom, not only is it inconsiderate and insensitive, he's a cold fish. Sad.
He does show affection and appreciation all the time but in the bedroom.
I have no problem speaking to him about anything, especially sex. I spoke to him about this before. And after he tries but them after a week or two we're back to the old routine.
So where was his concern then???I see none here at all??I would very kindly tell him in no short terms that his marriage to you is on the line, thanks to his unresponsiveness. If he doesn't snap into action after that, wow. Bad news.
I would not be surprised if you got the same ole response from him this time around. Doesn't he care for you at all?
And when we spoke I did tell him that I was done with the relationship. I was very upset and really didn?t want to work things out, it?s been 2 years of chance after chance. But he was remorseful and didn?t want the relationship to end.
Today when we spoke I told him that this is the last time, if things don't change I'm done. And it's not because the sex, it's what it does to me. It makes me feel so undesired and horrible. I can't go through these emotions anymore.
So what did he say about that???I know he is not cheating, or gay, I hope lol. ??Not cheating or gay? I'd ask him straight away (so to speak) if he is gay.
We spoke again before bed and I said lets see what can be the problem, are you cheating? Are you not attracted to me? Are you attracted to someone else? Are you attracted to men? Every answer was a no.
As far as the "nothing but sex" relationship he had, that's all it consist of no official titles or dating. When they did see each other it was about sex and thats it.
So whhat happened? was he all used up from this person? Where's the sex for YOU?
& that?s what I said. It?s no far some other girl got more than your wife!
He also suggested getting himself checked out. So now to wait and see.
You've have been wise to give him a deadline. And if he doesn't ante up, you know what to do.
Deadline, didn?t think of that. I?ll give him a month.
But I'm am ready to be done with this if I see no change. I want experiences in life and this is not what I thought sex will be. Now I understand the saying, how does it go? Before you buy a car take it for a test drive lol??If you are committed to your partner and the both of you are mutually excclusive and you both care about each other, nothing at all wrong with having sex.??Sorry all of this is happening to you. Put yourself first. That is what is most important.
Other than the sex we have a pretty good relationship. After we spoke the next day I can tell he was being conscious of his actions. He was a lot more touchy and I?d catch him just looking at me. And the big thing, I got to the bedroom before him at night, and was changing. & out of reaction I hid and told him to turn around.(after all this I?m not the most confident person) next thing I know he was naked & all over me
he
took over and we did it, twice!
Yes I?m happy but not getting too excited until I see this is going to continue and not die down like previous times. I hope he keeps it up because I do love him, but I want to experience things I never did before.
Wish me luck, than you all!