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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I asking to much?
My husband and I have been married for 6 months. He recently admitted to me that he still loves a girl from high school he never actually dated. It's a very long story. But many problems have emerged from this situation. He's gone to see her alone in her apartment. Hes lied to me saying he was going to work when he went to see her. He told me that he hoped that his love for me would be so great that it wouldn't matter that he wasn't with her. He's told her that he misses her and the puppy love they shared. Everytime we fight he calls her "to vent". So now that some of the background has been presented, am I overreacting by asking him to completely cut off any form of contact with her? Everytime I bring it up he has a different excuse as to why he feels that I'm being crazy or insecure for no reason. I don't want my marriage to be over because I'm actually asking too much and handling this wrong. Any advice would be appreciated. I want to know both sides. Should I stand firm with my request or should I drop it?
Re: Am I asking to much?
You're not being unreasonable at all. Unfortnately, I doubt you're going to get what you asked for. If after only 6 months of marriage your husband is confessing that he loves someone else, you're not headed toward a happily ever after. If you really want to give it your best shot, (and if he wants to stay married to you) he must cease and desist all contact with said woman. It wouldn't be a bad thing if you also contacted her and explained the situation to her and also requested she not accept any contact should he try to initiate it. (If you think she'd respect that request)
In the meantime, I honestly would look either into marriage counseling or personal counseling and annulment procedures. I'm very sorry.
PS - for the record, men who lie about their whereabouts, seek out alone time with other women and over-react in attempts to make you question your resolve aren't faithful husbands. He will cheat with this woman as soon as he thinks she'll be receptive to it.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Uhhhmmmm what ? You can't possibly be asking if it is ok for you to ask that your husband stop seeing a woman he has admitted to being in love with ? I just .... how is that even a question. Most importantly, why are you standing around waiting for him to choose you over her ? He made vows to you right ? Vows to love and respect you, vows to forsake all others and to let no one come between you two right ? Or did you have different vows than me ?
I'm sorry, I am just so flabbergasted here. Why are you even tolerating this nonsense ? The man you married isn't husband and father material. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life wondering when and if he is going to cheat on you. Every time you get in a fight, do you want to guess what he is saying about you to his mistress ? Is that really the kind of life you want for yourself ? Please for your sake, get into counseling and try to figure out why you have such low self worth that you didn't immediately tell him to leave when he said he loved someone else.
You're underreacting. He married you under false pretenses. Is this really the way you want your love story to go?
I'd look into an annulment if I were you.
To be fair to him...I think a lot of men and women still have feelings for thier "first love" and may 'never get over it', the difference is that most people, out of respect for who they do decide to marry/date in the future, move on anyways, feelings or not and CHOOSE not to act on thier feelings for other people. I don't think this marraige has to be over, but I do think he needs to stop seeing this girl.
I suggest he get into counselling to figure out his feelings without running to her every time he doesnt feel he can talk to you about it. He needs to consider her excistance dead (harsh but the only way it sounds like he will be able to leave her in the past) and not have seeing/talking to her be an option at all.
Also get into marraige counselling together asap if you want to save this relationship. If he says no..then you know where he stands and that he doesn't care that he is distroying this relationship.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
Yep. This. Those "lot of people" that still love their "first loves" need to figure out what they are really feeling. I still have a fondness for a "first love" but I wouldn't say that I still love him. I was friends with his wife for a while until he said that he was a little uncomfortable because he still had feelings for me. Instead of determining what those feelings were, or meant, I backed off. He had mentioned it to her before they both told me and I am the one that volunteered to leave the situation. She was a fantastic friend and I'm sorry that we've been reduced to mere acquaintances but I didn't want to be "that girl".
When you truly love another person, you don't love someone else in the same way. There's a lust, nostalgia, fondness, etc. But not love.
He should also, under no circumstances, be involving her by venting to her after every fight. He is sabotaging his marriage because there is either something with this other woman that he thinks is blossoming (or already has) or he is generally unhappy. I am so sorry this is happening to you (but to see it from both sides) I don't think there is much to salvage here. If he won't stop, he'll lie about it. Attempt counseling if you must, but I don't think you'll find the answers (or results) you want.
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I mean, sure you can try counseling, but I doubt it would help. Kudos to you for choosing a better life for yourself and your child.
I would like to embroider this on a pillow.
OP, of course it's not asking too much to expect your husband to be fully committed to you and engaged in your relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just out of curiosity, how long ago was high school for him?
If you read the whole post thats exactally what I said....
My Blog:Through My Eyes
There are many men in the world who don't do this, because they are decent human beings. Which is the whole point that everyone in this post is trying to get across.
I did read it, and that was pretty much the opposite of what you said.
Um...Did you know he was still in love with this "other woman" BEFORE you married him? If you knew I don't feel bad for you.
Im sorry but if my DH told me all of this, calls this woman and lies to me about being with her ALONE---> he would not be my DH anymore. Obviously, he feels strongly about her and I'd be quite surprised if he "cut her off" as you are requesting.