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Problem adapting to step-family
My husband and I married 3 months ago. He has a 17 year old daughter and a 23 year old son who both live with us. My mother-in-law is also visiting us until December. My 23 year old step-son's girlfriend is with us most weekends and many weeknights--she doesn't live with us, but she's there. Because I won't let her live with us, they sleep in the car while parked in front of the house, but from 7am-12am they're in the house.
My problem is that having this many people around is making me crazy. I'm used to living alone and was an only child raised by a single parent. Five other people making messes, watching TV, listening to music, etc. is something I'm having a horrible time adjusting to. It isn't that anyone is doing anything crazy like getting drunk or argumentative, but I feel like I'm never really able to relax. .My husband and I even discussed him moving out with his kids to an apartment because I'm so stressed. Obviously not a great option.
I don't like having to nag everyone to help with the housework, clean bedrooms, wash dishes, etc. and though my husband talks to his kids about helping out, they don't do it. There's always dirty dishes in the sink and clutter everywhere.
Does anyone have any advice that might help me adjust to this situation? I've thought about going out of town on the weekends so that I can have some space and quiet time but I am caring for my elderly grandma and my dad who is in the early stages of dementia, so leaving town isn't a viable option.
I am realizing that I wasn't very realistic about my ability to live with so many people, especially ones that don't want to help out around the house, but now that I'm in this situation, I really don't know what to do. I feel desperate.
Thanks for any advice! 
Re: Problem adapting to step-family
The two people sleeping in a car to skirt the rules is just re-damn-diculous. Your DH needs to tell his son to grow up and move out if he wants slumber parties with his girlfriend. If son stays, start setting up visiting hours. (She can come over from 7-9 Sunday-Thursday, and 7-midnight on weekends. Sleeping in the driveway is not an option)
MIL isn't ideal, but the end is in sight, correct?
There's nothing you can do about the 17 year old.
Maybe Friday nights can be "newlywed nights" where you can either ask everyone to make arrangements outside of the home (so you and your DH can spend some quality time together) or you and DH can go out by yourselves.
Other than that, you just have to develop new ways to deal. It may be different than what you were used to, but when you chose to get married, you chose to be part of a bigger family than you were used to.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
" Because I won't let her live with us, they sleep in the car while parked in front of the house, but from 7am-12am they're in the house. "
It's time to charge rent to this person! Over the age of 18, sleeping in your driveway, always in the home! This isn't a marriage it's a prison, and you're not invited! First your husband isn't helping you at all by offering to rent an apt so he can leave and live elsewhere! You need to have a serious conversation with him about putting his "failure to launch" kids out of the house. They either leave, or start paying rent to live in your driveway. I'm sure your neighbors aren't happy about their property value declining due to this as well. Things need to change for your sake. Charge them rent (a very high rate to get their asses out) A 23yr should be living on their own. Not in a driveway.
Ok, you married a man with children. So, you knew you were getting a package deal before your "I do's"
You and your husband need to have a sit down with the kids. Obviously, you just need to set some ground rules. Chores, curphews, etc. you didn't even mention if the 23 year is in college? working or what? Why is his girlfriend sleeping in her car? Where is her home? Why doesn't he stay with her once?
The nagging question...what happened to the kids mom? IS she deceased? If not, then why don't the kids crash mom's place once in awhile.....just a thought!
To make you happy once in awhile, he should take you away for the weekend or the night. You can hire a nurse or cna to take care of your parents.
Hello everybody,
Iam a fairly new, newbie. Iam enjoying your blog even though I haven't said much. Where do I start on here?
I married a man with two kids. One lived with his mother and during our first year together the older daughter moved in with us. I too lived alone and was not used to having people in my house all the time.
The issue from what I can tell is your husband. He has not set boundaries and his kids do not respect you. They may never respect you especially since they are bending your rules to fit their agenda.
I made a lot of mistakes with my husbands kids when we were new to our relationship. I wanted them to like me and him to like me more because we all got along. It did not pay off with my stepdaughter. She screwed me over and continued to disrespect me. It was not until my husband saw his kid through my eyes did things change. Everyone knew she was taking advantage of me but me and my husband. I invested a lot of time and money on the relationship with my stepdaughter and it did not work.
So my advice to you is get control of your situation now and your living arrangements. If your husband wants the older kid to be supported then let him pay for an apartment for that kid. If he can't afford that they everyone needs to agree to a timeline and set of rules. Set a date on when he starts paying rent. As for sleeping in the car that is plain rude and tell your husband that it is not acceptable behavior. Make it hard for them to stay there and they will soon figure out a way to find their own place. If no one wants to do the dishes or help out then charge them for your services. I did this and all of a sudden things were done. I'd charge $5 for picking up shoes, $10 for making beds, and I'd take it out of the younger ones allowance. We hired a cleaning service and my husband contributed more to that as I was not picking up after his kids all the time. My stepsons mother never made him help so it was a struggle at first. When I did laundry I would take him with me and ask him if he knew how and put him in charge of moving things from washer to dryer. Starting out with small tasks. I'd always follow through to see if he did what he was supposed to do. He did not at first but I'd drag him through it and ask him if his time was more valuable than mine? He started to get the point.
The older one I went a yard sale bought her an apartment starter kit and my husband and I contributed to her rent. I even found her a roommate and helped her look for places. We moved her out as she was interfering with our relationship. I went to far in making things easy for her. So beware of your motives. Mine were to be liked and I regret all the things I did as I got screwed over. I gave too much and she started expecting it. I should have let her find her own way.
The big take away here is you have to start with your husband and why does he not respect your time, and help you enforce the rules? yes, you knew he had kids but getting treated like a door mat is not what anyone wants. Being a stepparent is a really hard job as you are not liked. However, if they don't like it then they can find alternative arrangements. That becomes your husbands issue not yours. Many marriages fall apart because of stepkids. So if you want to be successful invest in the relationship with your man not so much the kids. They will like or not like you regardless. They are taking advantage of you cause their dad lets them do it. If he does not care why should they. You are just a pain in the butt to get around. So reclaim your life and space. I do hope this helps. I tried to be the exceptional stepmother but it did not work with one kid. If I did it again I would think of myself more.