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Moving In... Fiance seems off...
My fiance and I just moved into a newly purchased home this past weekend and everything up until this past week has been smooth sailing. My fiance is 23 years old and has never lived away from home. He did not go away to college and is moving from his parents' home to our new home. He told me this is going to be a big change for him and it will take some getting used to. Which I completely understand, I am moving from my childhood home to this new house (however I went away for school). However, he seems more nervous than excited. I am a bit nervous to live together too, but I am so excited to start this new adventure. His feelings are making me feel like he doesn't want to live with me... I don't think that's true, but I really want to him be more excited and happy than sad and nervous.
Any advice or tips on how to make this transition more comfortable for him?
Re: Moving In... Fiance seems off...
I haven't had this experience so I don't have first-hand advice to give but I can guess at a potential problem. I think it probably has far less to do with you than it does with nerves and fear of a whole lot more responsibility. I think the biggest help will just be time.
Is he concerned about the cost? It is way cheaper to live with parents than to own a home.
Is he concerned about caring for the house? Is he a handy guy? When you live at home and the plumbing leaks it is your parents' responsibility. Well, now it is yours. Could this idea be bothering him?
There is always an adjustment when a couple first moves in together so you will have some potential growing pains there. After you settle in to a routine and see the benefits of living with the person you want to be with for the rest of your life rather than either of your parents he will probably be more comfortable.
If this is bothering you, ask him. It is always better to know than to let is eat at you. Good luck.
Communication is a good thing. Start talking with each other.
I do not recommend buying prior to marriage, but it is too late for that. Perhaps living together renting for a period of time would have been a beteter move. Do you have an exit plan for the house should this relationship not make it to the altar? You will have a number of issues to work out prior to marriage - and don't rush the wedding date until they meet both of your satisfaction.
Living together, sharing space & household respoonsiblities, - finances - joint or separate, who pays bills, short and long term financial goals, how much time together, alone, with friends, family
Couples counseling if you have a stumbling block and need some skills to help communicate better. This is a time to focus on your relationship so that your marriage will be happy & successful. Wedding details take a back seat. It takes more than love to make a marriage work.
First of all, you NEED to talk about this with your fiance. Just have an open conversation expressing your concern, and straight up ask him if he still is comfortable going through with the move. Ask him if his feelings have changed. Just remember that it's normal to be nervous. You guys have a lot of stuff going on (just bought a house, moving in together, wedding).
Second of all, do you think maybe your fiance is acting this way because of the stress involved in purchasing a new home and being engaged. That's a lot of change going on, and if he's like me, this stress might shine through in his personality. DH and I just bought a house a few weeks ago, and up until about a week ago I've been a complete basket case.
If you think stress could be a factor, maybe you guys could try to do something relaxing together. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Just something calming and romantic like packing a picnic and eating at the park, going for a long walk or bike ride together, or something like that.
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IMO you guys took a BIG bite but it isn't necessarily more than you can chew. DH and I lived together for nearly two years before we bought (which we bought 6 weeks before our wedding). Moving in together is a lot, planning a wedding is a lot, buying a house is a lot. If you haven't picked a wedding date, I would say live together for a minimum of 3 months and just focus on that before you do. If you have, do not be afraid if you need to postpone a little. We did a lot of moving in our engagement and it got to be too much so we postponed 6 months from our original date and it was the best thing we ever did.
Also, start talking! You need to decide how you'll merge finances or at least split the bills for now (everything 50-50, you take these bills and I take those, one of you covers everything and the other person's income goes to a joint savings). You do not (and probably should not) merge all accounts until you are married. But, it is good to start prioritizing joint saving goals as well as goals for the house (want to remodel the kitchen or buy a big piece of artwork that could cost a bit...those are big decisions you both should agree on). Finances can cause a lot of problems especially when a joint interest (your house) is new and everyone just cant spend whatever they want on whatever they want. Also, not sure how living with your folks was, but I'm guessing neither of you cleaned the entire house. So I'd discuss who is going to take care of what. Without mom and dad to pick up after you in the kitchen or being able to throw some clothes int eh laundry with theirs, little chores getting overlooked could cause tension. Seems trivial but little habits and cleanliness is a big adjustment for couples when they live together. Showing your FI that you are thinking about these things too and seeing how he feels should help. And, putting some things on paper, like a list of who pays what bill or a chore schedule can make it seem manageable. Plus, sometimes once stuff is settled on paper it stops swimming around in your head!