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My hubby is a bum!
I love my husband, with all my heart, but he is such a bum. He expects me to handle the bills and pick up after him and do most the house cleaning.
We have a joint bank account now and he expects me to pay our rent, our electricity bill, and our internet every month, even when I am busy and he is playing video games.
He also has an issue with doing his part of the "chores" such as putting clean dishes away, putting his dirty dishes in the sink, doing the cat box daily, and putting the dirty clothes in the hamper. He really only does the laundry often.
I, however, despite going to school full time and working part time am expected to cook, clean the dishes I used to make food, clean dishes we ate off of (both of us), vaccum, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, and grocery shop.
It's too much. Does anyone else have this issue with their new hubby?
He totally presented himself as rather neat and did stuff, but I feel I am finding out that it's because his mom nagged him all the time, and I just can't do that because I refuse to be authority to him, but would rather be an equal. I shouldn't "order" him around, I just want his part of chores done.
Re: My hubby is a bum!
My husband and I have our own hampers and do our own laundry. If one is home and the other asks, we will throw it in the wash or dryer for each other and occasionally we'll do each other's.
We both cook depending on the situation and DH prefers to grocery shop because I like to make it a quick trip and he likes to look around.
I clean up everyday because I like to and I have the time. We do big cleaning together on Saturdays but DH ends up doing the heavy stuff because I have a bad back.
I usually clean the litter box but DH feeds the cats breakfast because he's up and leaves earlier and I feed them dinner because I'm home first. But this can change because schedules can change.
The only thing I can easily help you with is bills. Every bill we have except the water bill is automatically deducted from our bank or charged to a credit card that it takes me two seconds to pay each month online. I prefer to handle most of the finances but that's me.
Things need to be give and take. The first person you should talk to when you have a serious problem with your husband is your husband. Tell him you are a partnership and you need to share responsibilities. Decide what each of you feel comfortable doing. You are his wife, not his mom, and maybe he just needs to realize that. Good luck.
You need to have a conversation with him about this.
Men are usually messier than woman so I think you need to let him know the expecatations you have for how clean a home should be. For example, when i grew up I was taught that you should always keep your home as if you are expecting company, so that if someone ever dropped in, you wouldn't be embrassed. I can tell you there aer days i would be horrified if someone stopped over, but for the most part we keep it clean.
My husband grew up in an insanely dirty home. I am not just talking messy, I mean dirty. Like toliets never cleaned, etc. So I know he doens't have the same "view" on clean as I do. That is something to consider..make sure you agree on what is "acceptable" for clean, it might mean a give and take
you need to tell him it annoys you to keep having to harass him to do stuff, that you feel stressed out about having to do everything and that it makes you feel disrespected to have to be his maid and not his wife and don't appreciate that he won't help out(i find the word "disrespectful" goes a long way because men are always taught to be respectful to women).
A while back i read a good artcile on household chores and it was written by a woman that also had the same problem that you have and that I had at the time. She said to divide the chores based on what you are "good" at, not necessarily what you enjoy. my DH is a lot better at loading the dishwasher than I am, so he does that. Dishes are his thing. and now that we established he does the dishes, i don't touch them. If they are there for more than one day, I wills start to wash them and almost immediately my husband comes and tells me to stop and picks up doing the chore. I am good at laundry, so i do the laundry. believe me, I don't LOVE to fold clothes, but i am better at it than he is. My DH takes out the dog in the am because he goes to work later, I take her out after work because i am home first. ITs a give an take. believe me, there is no perfect answer-- and i still do 75% of the chores, but it helps if DH takes one or two things off my plate.
My mom also gave me some advice, never say no, or complain about a chore when your husband does it or he won't do it again. So never say no to him carrying out the trash or tell him how to do a chore better. For example ,sometimes my husband folds the laundry and no matter how many times I explained to him how to fold the towel, he still does it wrong. I used to get angry and tell him "iyou aren't doing ti right" and my mom told me that if I keep harping on hima bout "how" he is doing a chore he will probably stop offering to help.. i mean afterall, does it really matter how the towels are folded?
Thank you both. I do talk to him, I don't want to say because I don't nag I don't even try to talk to him, It just seems the talking doesn't hurt. Usually he tells me that he is still adjusting (after 5 months) and it takes time. I've tried giving him time but it's not working it seems.
This isn't something that will ruin our marriage or anything, but he gets frustrated at me for getting behind on chores because I get exhausted and have to pick up his slack before I can even THINK about getting to mine. If dishes are not in sink, I cannot do them. If the washer is not unloaded I cannot wash and load it.
I will try saying I find it disrespectful that he doesn't help more. Or lead more by example and get all my things done, then keep my end up so realizes HIS part is the slack.
Thanks for you help guys.
DH and I have different way of doing 99% of our "chores". He's the only one who thinks about vacuuming, sweeping or mopping. He also does all the grocery shopping. I do the laundry and the bathrooms. He'll go to empty the dishwasher, but it's very rare that he'll put things in the "right" spot. We have several mixing bowls that nest inside one another. He'll toss one large one right on top of the smallest one. Drives me nuts! I'll usually end up putting things away in the "right" spot. Honestly, there are times I would rather he would leave the clean dishes loaded. BUT I don't want to be the only one doing all the work to keep our place clean. I've tried letting it go - not putting things up in the "right" spot. I ended up spending 4 hours last Saturday getting the kitchen and halway closets clean enough where I could stand them!
I've told DH that I want us to be partners and that I don't want to be put in the position of nagging him. I think, that as partners, we need to agree on how we'll handle the work and stick to our agreements.