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Who is the bad friend here?
DH and I have another couple we are friends with; M (the guy) and J (the girl). They are about 10+ years older than us, but sure don't act like it. We have been friends for about 4 years now and over the course of that time, we have become a little fed up with their behavior. M is very pushy, and never takes no for an answer. This has caused a few problems over the years, when he would demand we come hang out with them, and then badger us when we said we had other plans. DH's brother played football for his HS a few years ago and we went to every game. M became mad when we would decline his friday night invitations, and one time told me "This isn't Texas. No one gives a F*** about HS football." He has made a number of comments like thisin the past, so our feelings about him have dwindled.
J is not too bad. I get along with her pretty well, even though she has an anxiety/OCD problem that makes things like shopping turn into pure torture. The worst is when she stands by the rude things M says. A few weeks ago they invited us to go on a day trip with them. They said we could carpool with them, but we politely declined, because M drives like a psycho (I kid you not, I have feared for my life before). They both began berating us, saying that if we do not carpool with them, they will not be able to afford the gas to go and we will have ruined their day. A huge arguement insued and since then, we are talking to them, but just are not fond.
Last weekend, we committed the ultimate friend sin. They invited us to come over and play a card game we all like. I told DH we should go since we have blown them off a lot. We agreed to attend, and just then, M changed the plans to something that only he likes. We were so mad about it that we made up an excuse that something came up and we bailed on them. I know, thats wrong. I feel like a jerk. M texted us saying that we shouldn't have taken care of the situation (he didn't know it was fake), and that we ruined his night.
So who is the bad person here? DH and I have tried to be cool with them but time and time again we find ourselves not having fun or even being downright uncomfortable when they are around. I feel like sometimes we should just suck it up and "be nice" but I don't know if thats right either.
Re: Who is the bad friend here?
I will admit that blowing him off like that, after saying you were planning on coming over, was bad on your part; however, these DO NOT sound like people you should be friends with. They are more like parasites than friends. The biggest example of this was when they planned a fun day trip that they could only afford if you came. That is irresponsible and rude on their part. You should never plan on spending money on anything if you cannot afford it yourself. The worst part was that he tried to pull the guilty card on you for not going.That is NOT okay.
Put simply, lose these people. You deserve better. These are not friends.
From your description, they are. And honestly, bailing on them AFTER he changed plans to something only he likes.... eh, I don't see that as being all that terrible. He changed it up - it's not fair to you all.
He sounds selfish and annoying. Just stop being available. I really wouldn't pursue this friendship anymore. The PP used a good word- obligation. Seeing friends shouldn't be an OBLIGATION and as that what it seems to be... what's the point?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, guilt tripping you in to a day trip? That's lame.
I am the kind of person that would just tell them I didn't want to hang out. I wouldn't make excuses. I'd just say, "no, i don't feel like hanging out with you tonight."
My response to the friday night thing and nobody caring about HS football would have been that it matters to the family and he can shove it. I also probably wouldn't have made it to 4 years of friendship with them....
Dear Lord, why are you wasting your time with these people? What are you getting from this friendship ? Probably nothing but frustration and annoyance.
I also agree with ECB. I wouldn't feel bad for one minute for bailing on them when he changed his plans ( which he probably did on purpose). These people seem self centered, obnoxious, rude and exhausting, and not interested in forming a true friendship with another couple. Again, I wouldn't waste any more of your time with them. I would also be willing to bet money that both of you aren't the first couple stop seeing them.
You have outgrown them. They are manipulative.
Four years ago you were probably more pliable.
This happens with some friends, you get older and
and grow up a little more, they stay the same.
You ruined their trip, their night, their whatever?
They are using you as a form of entertainment. They don't see you as friends at all. I wouldn't talk to them again!
For goodness sake - they're friends, not life partners. If you've grown to dislike their company you have two reasonable choices
1) Be upfront. Tell them you no longer wish to spend time with them, and state your reason - that they are pushy, demanding and overbearing.
2) Ignore their texts and phone calls. They will eventually get the point.
Adults sometimes stop being friends. It happens. Grab the bull by the horns and then move on to more compatible friends.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Side note: I'm not trying to be chastising or mean, and this is coming from a very gentle, well-meaning place, but that is an incredibly insensitive thing to say. You have no idea exactly how much torture even getting ready and leaving the house can be with OCD and anxiety, much less navigating crowded malls. I hope you haven't said anything like this to her.
ETA: For some reason, it isn't letting me quote. I'm referring to when you said that shopping with her was pure torture for you.
I knew I'd get grilled for that.... I didn't mean that to offend anyone, but the biggest problem is that she refuses to see it. I have told her a number of times that she clearly has OCD and severe anxiety issues and should seek help to improve her quality of life. Her dad was an emotionally abusive jerk and she admits that it plays a role in her life. I have sat and listened to her for hours and hours about things regarding this, but I am not a therapist. I encouraged her, for her own well being, to seek help. She even watched a special on TV about OCD and thought it was FUNNY how much its like her. I want her to get better and be able to enjoy life, but her issues really cause people to be pushed away.
A PP mentioned others may be annoyed by them too... we have heard all the same things from mutual friends. One issue that everyone has is that M and J are always late to everything. Im talking 1 hour or more, guarunteed, every time. I think some of it has to do with J's inability to make decisions and get her butt moving, but its really bad. I have had situations where they have invited me over for breakfast, and when I arrive on time, they are still in bed. Another friend of ours said that if he ever makes plans to meet them at their house and they are not ready, he is going home. But.... if you express your feelings about this, M gets mad or pushy and demands that you wait for them. So the cycle never ends.
Why are we still friends with them? Because they were fine for a while, until a few situations (like the gas one) popped up and it really left a bad taste in our mouths. We used to enjoy our time with them, but in the past year or so, their attitudes have caused us to think twice before hanging out with them.
It sounds like it is time to just stop making plans with them and let the relationship fade out naturally.