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Mom's friend fencing me out? Long...sorry.
A little back story...sorry this is so long! :
I have posted before about my Mom and her best "friend" 'N'. Mom and Dad separated when I was 12, and N has done everything in her power to keep them separated permanently. Currently Mom and N live next door....N eats all meals with my family, spends all holidays, and basically it's like she part of my family with two houses. Even the finances are entirely mutual between my mom and N.
N has extreme anger management issues, and when she gets home from work, everyone starts walking on eggshells. When I was in highschool, we would often have fights that lasted more than five hours, and currently she screams and yells a lot at my younger siblings (no physical abuse, just a lot of emotional). She will scream and be angry for hours if the tv volume is too loud or for a million random reasons. For example, last Christmas evening, my whole family was sitting and enjoyinga favorite Christmas classic together, and she walked in and yelled "You know that I hate this movie!" She stormed out of the house, and my mom scurried off to appease her, which means she missed the entire rest of the movie. When my DH and I have visited in the past over the holidays, we have heard yelling arguments several times through closed doors where N is yelling, "I don't feel comfortable in my own house while those people are here!" By "her house", of course, she means my mom's house, and "those people" would be me and my DH. My mom apologizes for her behavior, but still protects her because she relies on N as her only "true emotional support".
I haven't been on speaking terms with N since I left for college six years ago, and my DH has never been on speaking terms with her (She prides herself in being very conservative, and the first time they met, she started screaming at him for dating me and called him a "sexual predator" multiple times because we went horseback riding together with some friends...another long crazy story...she's kind of crazy). Both of my younger siblings who are out of the house are on extremely limited to no speaking terms with her as well, and the youngest kids don't like her at all, but are forced to live with her.
SO. The situation is this....DH's family lives 14 hours away, and my family lives 6 hours (a comfortable distance, although I miss my younger siblings a lot). We have decided not to make the long drive this year, which would make us available for T-giving AND Christmas with my family. I would love this, as I don't often get to see my siblings, and my mom is actually some fun to be around when N isn't there. The holidays are HUGE with my family.
Well, DH and I decided that although we have tried to compromise in the past, we are not going to spend a holiday with my family if N is planning on being there. We just don't approve of how she treats us OR my family, including my dad. I love my Mom, but I feel like she needs to know that her decision to stay with N is hurting many other people. N also has family to go to with whom she is very close....she usually just winds up visiting them around the holiday instead of on.
When I gently told my mom our decision over the phone, she didn't even hesitate....just said, "Oh! Well, that's probably a good idea because the desire [not to associate with N] is mutual. We already have Thanksgiving plans with N, but we would love to see you sometime around Christmas! We can do all of our normal Christmas morning traditions and just pretend!"
Am I wrong to feel like now that I have given some kind of ultimatum, my mom has decided to shut me out in preference to her "friend"? I am really hurt right now, and have decided not to call her back to check on her plans until she calls first to let me know her decision. Her birthday is this Saturday, and I'm not sure I even want to recognize that unless she makes a move first....I'm just really hurt and somewhat lost as to what to do. This is not the first time she has hurt me....but I have been able to forgive and forget, and have a somewhat stable if VERY limited relationship with her over the last several years. I also feel horrible, because if we don't spend either holiday with my family, all of my younger siblings will have to spend them with N, AND they won't get to see me or my DH (which I know will greatly disappoint them).
Has anyone had any similar difficulties or have any advice? This was partly just a vent....Thanks for sticking in there.
Re: Mom's friend fencing me out? Long...sorry.
your talk about different degrees of closeness...you're her daughter...but she pretty much lives with N.
I'm confused as to where your dad lives.
Is there any chance you can have your siblings visit you for Thanksgiving?
I understand being hurt, but your mom isn't the loving mother you want or need. She will never be. The fact that she tolerates this kind of abuse makes her as if not more quilty. Look, I understand you want ot focus your anger on N, but the fact is your mom has no problem with the way she treats you and your siblings. An ulitmatum will do nothing but disappoint you. I mean come on, she has prioritized N over you and your siblings for years, she is not going to stop.
I would look into counseling so that you can gather the strength to separate yourself from your mother's toxic behavior and how best to approach the relationship with your siblings.
I also like the idea of having your siblings come over as often as possible.
Giving your mom an ultimatum was the right thing to do. At the end of the day, you need to protect yourself and your new family, your husband, from mistreatment including the emotional abuse N has put you through. You have given your mom a choice and now the ball is in her court. It sort of reminds of a friend of mine who has very bad asthma, likely caused by her parents' smoking habit, but they never tried to quit for the sake of her health. Eventually she told them she wouldn't visit them anymore unless they quit smoking. She was well aware that this would most likely mean she would never visit them again, but that was their decision not hers. My point is you shouldn't feel bad because your mom's priorities are screwed up. She knows N treats her children badly, and if she doesn't care she's the one whose fault it is. She put you in a position where you had to give her an ultimatum. Don't feel bad about your mom's bad judgment. I suggest you make your own holiday plans that don't involve your mother.
I totally understand why you are hurt, but this is who your mom is. She isn't going to be the mom you want her to be. She has been choosing N for YEARS over her kids. YEARS. This holiday season isn't going to be any different.
And I feel for you. I really do. But you have to start dealing w/ the reality of your mom than who wyou wish she was.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think I remember your old posts. Are you the person whose father was living in his car on the property because of N?
Anyway, that situation is totally effed up. You are justified in being hurt at your mother's reaction. I think you did exactly the right thing, though, in essentially giving your mother an ultimatum. It didn't go your way which sucks BUT at least now you have a valuable piece of information.
Your mother doesn't seem to care much if you are there for the holidays. She doesn't seem to care much about anyone but N, actually.
I think distancing yourself from her is the best thing you can do for yourself and YOUR family. I would try to keep in touch with your siblings that live there a lot by phone, Skype, whatever, so that at least they are very aware of your love and support even if you are not coming around in person due to your mother and N.
It really sounds like N is your mom's partner/ love interest/ girlfriend. Is that at all possible?
It's never right to put your mate before your kids, though some (my dad, for one) do it all the time. As a result his kids don't have a real relationship with him, and it's his loss.
Don't add stress to your and your DH's lives- stop expecting her to be a good mother, because she isn't. Get some counselling, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the loving mother you deserve to have, and move on as best you can in your lives. Without her. Be there for your siblings (especially the young ones), and take them out to give them breaks from the crazy. You can be the voice of reason and a genuine role model.
My mom does something very similar with one of her friends. He gets drunk, starts fights, yells, throws things, cusses people out, and calls the police whenever someone tells him to back off. I hate him, my brother hates him, my dad hates him. But she doesn't care. Even after my dad told her he's not welcome in their home, she had him over the next day. He's constantly being put before her family, because "he's her only friend." Well of course he is, he's chased off all of the friends she had, they can't stand him, and he's everywhere she goes!
After he accused my now H of cheating because he had a female roommate he wouldn't kick out when she had nowhere else to go and called him a filthy mother effer, we had words, I let it be known on no uncertain terms that whenever he was present, I would not be. He showed up to my bridal shower (invited by my mother) and acted a fool, throwing beer bottles and screaming that people were talking about him. I told her if he showed up at the wedding, I'd call the police, and have both of them escorted out of there. She listened to that, but with the holidays coming up, I dread the confrontation. I've told her my H and I will not be at any functions he attends, but I doubt she thinks I'm serious. All I can tell you is stick to your guns. You have a right to not be screamed at or about. I don't know what going on in our mothers' heads, but I can tell you my life is a lot less miserable now that I'm not allowing myself to be forced into this man's company.
I have to say it also sounds to me like N is your mom's partner. Not that that in any way excuses her behavior, but at least it makes your mom's insistence on bowing down to her slightly less puzzling. Either way, your mom is not right and you did the right thing. You can't be in that toxic environment. It is up to her whether she wants to make time to see you without N.
As far as your siblings go, could you host a small get together for them at your house? Or maybe pick a special place for you all to go for dinner and make it at tradition?
Can I ask is your mom and N friends or LOVERS!!!
This N person sounds like she has issues that need addressing and if your mom and N are lovers maybe your mothers is being abused in some way and cant show due to fear..
Have you tried getting your mother alone away from the family home and talking to her with nobody else about? it might be just what she needs.
N has no right to be mean to you or your siblings and your mom should not let it happen no matter the reason. and N needs to know this and if it means you standing up for yourself and your siblings maybe you should think about doing just that.
Ask for a FAMILY MEETING, where everybody involved attends including your dad, and get your point cross with everybody there, If N doesn't like what she hears then she can do one of 2 things, leave when your mom has her family round or be a little more polite to you and yours..
I wish you luck
I do not think your mom's lover / partner (even if they haven't made it official) is boxing you out of a relationship with her - you told your mom your boundries, and your mom is unwilling to abide by them. You can't get upset with her if you tell her "your lover (be honest, they are lesbians, even if N never acts on it) is not welcome in our home, but please come for Thanksgiving" and mom refuses to go!
I do have the experience of a child putting up with abuse by a parent's s.o.: dh's stepmom was an alcoholic who abused every single one of FILs children (except the one they shared together). She is completely toxic, and abused them emotionally. She literally gave them beef stew to eat and said "since you kids have no table manners, I'm going to make you eat with your hands." DH stopped speaking to his fatgher for several years because of this.
The hard part is that I'm assuming your siblings still live at home. If not I would tell you to disengage from your mom completely and tell her you cannot have a relationship with her if YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are not treated with respect by her. As it is, maybe visit at off-times so you and H can get a hotel room and have your mom and siblings visit at the hotel. Also invite siblings (with or without your mom, but definately without N) to visit you for a week or long weekend.
Has your dad thought of divorcing your mom?
I understand your hurt, but again dealing with this all of these years would cause extreme anger and hard feelings to everyone involved.......There is no doubt that there is something more than friendship involved....most likely they are in a relationship otherwise none of this makes any sense. THEIR BUSINESS DEF..
That is absolutely no excuse for your mother's indefference to her own family......Your problem is with your mother and looks like there is no easy fix...
Disengage yourself and family from them and make plans to see your siblings and not your mother until she makes some decisions in her own family's direction. Might be easier for you to not be engaging and feeling worse. Talk to your mother when she is not around and tell her your new plan of action,.
The ball is in her court!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, lesbian or not, your mother is in a relationship with N, and you need to start viewing N as her partner. Once you do that, things might be a bit easier for you.
You wouldn't generally ask to have a holiday with your parent with the exclusion of their partner. You'd love to, and it would be a great holiday, but you just don't. She will default to spending the holiday with her partner, which is unfortunately, normal.
Once you change your expectations of this it will be easier for you.
That being said, this situation is insane and I feel terrible for your family, N sounds like a complete psycho nut case and I can't believe your mother is allowing her to treat her family like this. How awful.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Thanks so much for the replies!
@Sapphire, yes, my dad is still living in his car.
It is almost impossible financially for my younger siblings to visit us. My sister has done it once, but my mom holds most of their purse strings because they're not financially independent yet, and she doesn't let go easily.
We will probably be spending the holidays with friends and staying in my sister's apt. for a quick visit near Christmas.
Just a quick update for anyone who may be still reading, I did finally talk to my Mom. I tried to explain N's hurtful behavior as well as my Mom's, but she remained firmly convinced that everything was my fault and I wasn't being "forgiving" enough.
She gave me a hypothetical, "What if I officially divorced your father and married someone that you didn't like? Would you ask me to choose between him and you?" I told her absolutely not, and asked if she was finally willing to allow that N was indeed her life partner (Neither my Mom nor I are hateful in the least, but we are both pretty conservative about this issue in a religious sense...at least on paper for her).
She flipped a lid and started screaming that I was sick, and the following five seconds of attack resulted in me throwing my phone across my apartment and having a panic attack. I have not spoken to her since, and my DH who had to calm me down was pretty pissed. He asked me not to talk to her except through him for the time being since it always ends badly.
So we won't be spending the holidays with my family. I'll try to find another way to see my siblings.