Relationships
TarponMonoxide
member
Dear Community,
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
The nestie with her bf for 20 years deleted.
Not surprising.
35 years of age, her life a mess before she met this douche -- his father slaps her around and her bf did nothing??
I am guessing she did NOT like the replies she got. She also deleted her comment from the "he doesn't want to marry me" thread on S&R.
What can I tell you?
Help I don't know what to do?
Yes you do, dude -- yes you do.
Re: The nestie with her bf for 20 years deleted.
Not surprising at all.
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
She has been with this guy since age 15. Been on her own since 15 and that alone boggles the mind in itself.
They have 2 kids.
He decided with his father to go and buy a house with his dad. She had no input in the decision; the bf just went ahead and did it.
(she kept referring to the bf as her H -- I checked her previous posts and over in S&R she posted and admitted this was a bf and not a husband. This makes the "problem" all the more academic; unless there's some kind of common law spouse thing going on in their state, she could just leave with the kids and that's that)
The bf's father treats her and the kids like a pile of sh!t. Tells the kids they're fat. And has hit the OP --- the bf doesn't see any of this???
ANyway she wants to marry this paragon of virtue. He refuses to do so.
We advised her strongly to run like hell -- do what she has to do -- go to a shelter, anything.
She lamely said that she told the bf she was leaving and that he ws sorry for the way she was treated --- SORRY!?!?!?!?! you say "sorry" when you accidentally stand up a friend or you forget to bring home milk or you accidentally disconect somebody during a call --- SORRY??????
UGH. she claimed she was going to sell the car she uses for money to get out. You can bet that all the money is in his name and if she is with this guy for 20 years, it's sure fire bet she has no money of her own and never had a job of any kind. This is like the frigging dark ages!!!
And somewhere along the line, she deleted the entire thread. And her reply in the S&R thread where she said it was a boyfriend and not a spouse.
Whoa, nellie....just a Texas minute here, if you will...
I have every right to write what I wish, the same as YOU did when it came to your fruitcake "relationship" with your fruitcake boyfriend and his fruitcake father.
And methinks you are the biggest fruitcake out of the whole bunch. Anybody with any common sense would have run like hell the second things got hot...and got hot it sure did. You LET this old bastard handle you around and HIT you??? You stay with a jerkoff who can't be a team with you? you let somebody abuse your kids???
Get your head examined.
And stop with the dumb internet speak. it is YOU, not U. What does it take to put a y and an o in front of the u???
And you deleted for no good reason. People go through time and trouble to give you advise and thanks to you, all of it is gone.
And perhaps you might also be helping a reader who is in a similar situation...and now your post is deleted. So it is you who needs to think about what you say and do, not people like me who recapped your nutter post and said you deleted.
BTW, thanks for outing yourself, sis. Now everybody can see for sure what kind of nutter you really are.
And I hate it when somebody who is living with somebody without benefit of marriage calls the jerk her "husband." Uh, it's not your husband; it's only some idiot you are living with who won't marry you.:(
As Oscar Wilde said, "I may not agree with what you say but I will defend your right to say it."
There is also the issue of public domain and first amendment rights. Perhaps you have heard of them.
You too reserve full right to say what you wish about somebody, so long as it is not harmful or slanderous or deleterious. Say what you wish about me.
I, and everybody else on this board, gave you honest and to the point advise. We told you you and the kids were in mortal danger and to get out. We don't know for certain if you have done so. If you have not, don't ask me what I think of that.
What we said evidently hit home and that's why you hit the ole delete key. Again, we worked hard to give you that advise and it wasn't even fair to us for you to delete what you said. That's what we find offensive.
Nobody "judged" you. Again, we gave you hard-bitten advice. And you didn't like it. Pity.
Maybe she just wanted to erase her digital footprint. She left it up for days - it's not like she threw a fit and GBCN'd. Maybe someone (like FIL) found her web history and she needed to cover her tracks.
ETA - nevermind. Didn't read all the responses before I posted. However, I think going all pearl-clutchy about DD's is silly. It's her business, and she has the right to take it down.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
Then all she needed to do, if she felt funny about somebody lurking, was to sign up for a different account and post there.
It's not cool to delete your post. and even if you say *this post will be deleted later* you've got some leeway, but around here, not cool to just zap what you have posted.
And even if the jerk's father found her post? Tough sh!t for him! Face the music, dude --- you stink on ice and you're worse than any school freaking bully.
Really? Are u sure you are thirty five and not FIVE???
Really, you're glad what you wrote annoyed me?
That's just great.....I feel nothing but sorrow for you. Truly I do.
And you're just a bit stabby because what we wrote hit home -- this is what you get when you come here to the Nest: honest, unadulterated advice. It's up to the person whether or not to take it; it's a matter of free will.
Still wishing you luck. You needed to go without notice and just put the kids in the car and go. That vehicle doesn't belong to you; doubtful if you have your own money. Big Daddy was probably holding the purse and the pursestrings. You have been sewn to him since 15.
Your homelife growing up was probably a disaster; no wonder you think this creep is Mr. Wonderful: you're repeating the pattern you saw when you were growing up.
And a physician's assistant pays NOTHING, if you mean you were a medical gofer doing typing and getting phones. Up here that is a $10 an hour job and usually no benefits.
You can still save the farm. Sell your car? F#CK the car....get your kids and go to a women's shelter and then take it from there. Your saving grace: you are not legally wedded to this creep. Saved you the expense, both financially and emotionally, of filing for, and then getting, a divorce.
Just because you don't like where the advice came from doesn't mean it was bad advice. If you stay in an abusive household to spite Tarpon (and subject your kids to it!), you are truly beyond help. Grow up and take the steps you need to take to protect your children- they need you, and you're strong enough if you want to be.
You won't always like what people say on the internet- if you can't deal with that, you should probably step away.
And that's what I'm talking about. You know your household isn't healthy, isn't teaching your children about healthy relationships, and actually puts them at risk of physical harm. If you are willing to put your own dislike of rude words or hurt feelings above your children's need for safety, you do need to grow up. Be the mother they deserve- this may involve doing things YOU don't like or want to do, but if it's what they NEED, it's your job to do it anyway.
And what I said was, IF you choose to put yourself above the needs of your children you are beyond help, and I stand by it.
Then if you do not like our advice, seek the advice of a counselor or a social worker or a crisis team worker.
They will tell you the same thing WE told you:
Get out and get out now and take the kids and go.
And wow, to permit anybody to speak harshly to your kids, or to call them fat, or verbally abuse them, or threaten them, either physically or terroristically -- and you did nothing???
Want to know what I think of that and of you?
You're as culpable as that old bastard is! By not standing up for your kids, you're pretty much saying, "it's okay for grandpa to treat the kids any ole way; I give full permission to do so."
ANybody who mistreats a kid -- any kid -- on my watch and whether it's in my presence or not in it has hell to pay from me. Uh, you should do the same.
And he threatened you with a knife?
As I said, why did you NOT call the police when this happened???? Are you waiting for another incident to happen?
(to the readers just tuning in: YES, her boyfriend's father did indeed do this...
And the OP did positively NOTHING about it)
Did your azzhole boyfriend say he was sorry about this too? The BOTH of these bastards need to be hung by what you want to swing them by! And his father belongs in the clink for threatening ANYBODY with a knife!
it is hard to believe you are 35 years of age. You act at least 20 years younger than that and that's probably a product of your dysfuntional environments.Just for this alone you need a counselor.
If this board was as acitive as it once was, you'd have gotten the same to the point and yep, harsh advice about what to do and it would have boiled down to the same thing:
GTFO and do it NOW.
The bottom line on this too:
You gave away the best years of your life to a jerkoff like your BF.
Not too late to start over: take the kids and go, eff "oh I'm going to sell the car..." NOPE; go and get your asses to a women's shelter that's the nearest one. There is no excuse nor any reason NOT to.
Its not what was said, it was the insult that I didnt like, I deleted my post then this person had the cheek to write about me with more insults... I had a right to delete it for any reason I wish, and nobody has a right to be so rude about it...
What "insult"??? You mean the advice, which was excellent??? ha.
And nobody was being rude about your deletion. You just got pissed off somebody noticed it was gone.
I understand that when u ask the world for advise I'm not always going to hear what I want, But to be hurtful and meanand so dam rude isnt the way forward..I didnt comeon here to be insulted..
So what's the problem? YOu didn't hear what you wanted to hear? How about "oh honey, he's probably gun shy...stay with him and talk to him and tell him the courthouse is okay; he will marry you"? That what you want to hear???
and I'm not truly beyond help, and I dont need growing up... I have made steps to move forward ... to be honest I really dont need to explain myself to anybody.. coming on here and asking for a little advise was yet another mistake..
Yes you do need to grow up. You act like a 15 year old, not a woman who is in middle age. Sad.
a few days ago I was ready.. NOW with all this BS... if this is what the out side world is like I rather stay
So in other words, since we were so rude and this was 'BS" you're not going to go.
Okay....
That's YOUR choice.
See you in another 20 years, at age 55. If this board is around, give us a yell.
Good for you for taking the action you need to take to protect yourself and your kids! I sincerely wish you luck in your new life.
You may not agree with what you feel was our judgment of you, but when the safety of children is involved would you rather no one say anything? That would be unacceptable. People are trying to advocate for your children's safety, and you thinking we're meanieheads won't change that it needs to be said.
It's odd that you said you'd rather stay than deal with the outside world, if you had already made these plans? which is the whole reason I responded in the first place. But good luck anyway- you can do it, for your kids. (By the way, I thought you said you had 2 children- twin 2 year old girls. How are they straight A students?)
ETA: Sorry, 'A star students at school'.
Help me Rhonda.
Nobody started a "blog" about you! Can't you even get that right?
And if you truly wanted to move forward, you'd never have returned to this thread to out yourself. You'd have not even opened the post to read it and truly moved on.
And stop with the U. You're 35? Sheesh...
Your problem may be cultural. Just curious: what is the country of origin of your boyfriend? He has to be of a different background than you, from another country -- and in that case, your problem is compounded.
It's considered "normal" in some cultures to put the significant others/wives last and a lot of these guys treat the women like dirt in the first place. The woman is expected to take a back seat and put up with being treated horribly.
And you'll also find in a cultural situation that the parents come first, no questions asked. Maybe this accounts for why he stands together with the dad instead of you -- and maybe you have no status at all, being you are not his legal wife.
And if he isn't of another culture, he's just a douche. And an abusive one. You need to get out.
Your efforts are going into coming here and squawking away about how I'm bullying you, that I started a blog against you, that I insulted you and called you names blah blah etcetera.
You are not from the United States. I don't know if you are living here or not; it sounds like you may be Asian Indian, British or from Australia or New Zealand, judging from your phrasing. I don't know what the laws are with couples who have lived together for a certain amount of years -- in some states in the US, it is considered common law status when a couples' been together for a certain amount of years minus a legal ceremony to wed them. I don't know if you'd be considered "common law" over there but no matter what:
You need to leave him ASAP. There has to be a women's shelter where you are, no matter where your country is. If not, what about the police? Some other officer of the law? SOMEBODY has to be able to protect your interests and safety -- get out before one of the kids and/or you is harmed irreperably physically!
Your kids are already a mess from this dysfunctional home they are in. They will get the idea that the relationship you have with their father is the kind to strive for --- do you want that for you daughters?
Do you want them to go out and hook up with a guy who treats them like dirt, instead of respecting them and cherishing them and treating them like a gift?
Do you want them to continue the pattern they are in -- the same one you are in?
I don't think so.
You never moved "forward" on this -- you want to stay with this guy and turn into some kind of martyr for the cause.
For God's sake --- get out of there and do it today. Don't tell him you are going; just do it. Preferably when he is not home and that sh!t of a father that he's got is not home.
What about a neighbor? What about somebody you know from your house of worship? What about going to a church, a synogogue or some other house of worship? There has to be somebody who can help a woman in an abusive home who has a couple of kids.
I am not trying to bust your balls or bully you or have a hard on for you. I'm telling it like it is. YOu need some sort of a wake up call or to hit rock bottom and sometimes the only way that can be done is to flame somebody on a board like this one.
If you had a sister or a cousin or a friend who was in this situation you are in -- what would you tell that person? What kind of advice would you give that person?
Thanks ladies, this thread gave me a good laugh...I have no idea what was written in the original post...but taking it down because you didn't like the advice is pretty pathetic....It's no wonder its taken so long for the op to work up the guts to leave the pathetic Ahole when she cant even take opinions from people she doesnt know without feeling threatend and offended enough to not only delete it, but then to come back and throw a hissy fit about deleting it.
I agree with pp, get yourself into a womans shelter and ask about getting counselling ASAP if you actually want to leave...but with all the defensiveness Im thinking you probably don't really want to do anything that takes effort. Sad. I do hope you find a counseller who can help you build some self esteem and some self confidance.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
It is hard to leave an abuser, but believe me, so many strong women have. You arent the only one so dont think you are special on that one. You have to just close your eyes and run, never look back! You are strong, dont let people get you down, you can do it. Think of all the time you already wasted. I dont believe shelters are as bad as you say they are in England, my friend has been to some there actually. You've actually gone and checked these out?? Go to a different town, shoot, there are good ones!!
Sorry you feel the need to delete everything, I am glad at least some people quoted so I could read..hopefully others in your situation can read these posts as well and get the help they need.
Leaving an abuser is hard, as said before by PP, but it's not impossible.
The biggest thing I have to say is that if you don't like the judgement so much, why keep coming back? Just don't respond. Don't read the posts. It's not rocket science. If it puts you in such a bad state of mind, then stop.
And it is a repeat pattern -- on her own since 15? In the UK, you finish high school at age 16. So something had to be wrong at home for a long long time that she was on her own since then.
She's repeating what she saw at home. Sure as eggs is eggs there was a dysfunctional household.
Head in the sand because you know of no better game in town. Sad.