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babies!
So I just mentioned i found out my two best friends are pregnant. One I had a suspicion about for some time... and turns out she and her husband (warning tmi) concieved their baby on our wedding weekend lol. Which is ironic because I was engaged the day after their wedding so its all a big full circle.
They are house hunting now so I'm thrilled for them.
then on friday I got an email from my other girlfriend that said she too is "just barely" pregnant. She's only a few weeks along. And though i am happy for them it totally put me in a funk all weekend.
I know this is huge news for them both and i am so happy especially because the one i had a inkling about has been trying for some time now and had a few struggles. But selfishly, I keep thinking how my whole life is about to change because they literally both live down the street we see them all the time, they are my best friends and their husbands are my husbands bffs so its really like hten we are the only ones "childless", plus I'm not even sure I want kids--so it makes me feel bad about myself that I don't have that"desire" for children now and they have it so strongly... My other gf that is pregnant just got married in July so this feels so fast and ovewhelming and I am sure is ovewhelming to her and she said she is happy but nervous and I just feel like I can't be there for her/excited for her because my own views on having children vary so greatly.
ahhh.. I know most of you guys all have kids- so did you ever feel this way?
Re: babies!
Well, I guess I always had the desire to have kids. But I didn't have a burning desire to have kids when we did. It was more for DH - who is 8 years older than I am. He didn't want to be an "old dad" (his words, not mine, I don't consider mid-30s old!). That said, I don't regret it at all. Don't feel bad about not wanting kids right this minute, or even ever. That's between you and your DH and as long as you're both happy, what the rest of the world thinks doesn't matter.
FWIW, I also don't think that being "childless" means you can't have friends with kids. It will mean that in the near-term, you might have to adjust your usual schedule, if that makes any sense... instead of drinks out at 9pm, you can do dinner in at 6 sort of thing. The first year was really tough for me because I was breastfeeding, so baby dictated my schedule a lot. Now that he's older, it's easier to find a babysitter and go out for an evening of adult time without having to rush home. My friends basically disappeared because I was the only one having a kid and their major interests are still going out drinking all night... but you are in the opposite position. If you're ok with them having kids, and being around their kids, not much has to change. You can all still be BFFs and support each other just the same.
We did fond that the questions (from both family & friends) of when we were going to have kids became tiresome. My canned response was usually, "When your kids are old enough to babysit for us." Although, I had more responses up my sleeve, depending on how annoyed I was... We were married 4 years before my daughter was born. We were definitely in no rush to get pregnant when we were first married.
thanks, hearing that other people waited or had friends with kids made me feel better. I am totally fine to be able to include children in our outings etc, we just came to the realization that especially in the beginning- it's going to be difficult. we will be seeing our friends a lot less, and it just happens to be that its the two couples we hang out with the most (like 2-3 times a week) so we know that def. won't be happening once the babies are born, especially when they are newborns.
I think we are kind of past hte bar hopping, drinking all night kind of days---mostly out get togethers are casual pizza and beers or trivia night someplace- or sunday afternoons at someones house for potluck. So i am find with family-friendly events...most of the time...but i still hope we can eventually have"adult nights out". But I know how it is too, its difficult to go out, or the added cost of a sitter, and I know that we won't get to see them as much. It makes it harder to know my two best friends are going through this "together" and i am not. I can try my hardest to be thee for them and be supportive but i have no idea what they are going through and can't relate and feel myself quickley becoming an "outsider"
It's just that all at once my husband and i felt like we were going to be the ones without children and with our closest friends having them and not being around, it leaves a lot of "open time"that once involved them since they are going to be busier. So we are just thinking of it as time to spend together, pick up another hobby, meet some new couples that don't have kids etc.
I was also glad to hear that someone that wasn't sure if they wanted to have kids or if they were ready, eventually felt htat way. I feel like I am never going to have that "motherly" instinct and I am kind of jealous that my girlfriends have it...
Well when we were married w/ no kids we lived in Manhattan, so I can't say I have much experience being the childless couple amongst friends there.
But, I can say that I never wanted kids. Nope. Never. Was never having kids, even after we got married. Then we were married for a few years (we had been together for 9 years by the time we got pregnant, married for 3.5), decided to move out of the NYC area and realized that one reason we wanted to do that was to possibly start a family. Shocked the hell out of us. But we went 3.5 married years w/ no kids and no plans for them. I have plenty of friends w/o kids - heck one of my NYC couple friends hosts a kid BBQ at their apartment every summer - they have a terrace, put a kiddie pool on it, and we grill and have fun. It will be hard for your friends to get out w/o the kids, so be patient with them. The cost, the stress of sitters - it's a lot to deal with and not always easily available to all people.
I never had a motherly instinct or bone in my body until my first child was born. I had barely changed ONE diaper before having my kids, and I was 6 mo pregnant at the time babysitting for a friend's 6 mo old, who screamed for 45 min trying to go to sleep as I bounced and rocked her. I was terrified. Then my son was born, and my life was forever changed. What the hell did I do with my time before? What was I doing that was so important before? Not a clue. Same thing with 2 kids. Am I tired? yep. exhausted? yep. Do I run out of patience? You betcha. But would I trade it all in? Nope. not ever. But it's not for everyone. It is life altering, and I think the fact that you are thinking and waiting is the most important thing to do. It's only right if it's right for you. If that makes sense.
**Hugs**
"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon." - Alex & Ani bracelet
My blog: Dodging Acorns
thanks michelle its good to hear that other people weren't sure about kids and actually changed their minds... I started feeling like there was something "wrong" with me because I didn't have a motherly instinct. Or that i was incredibly selfish...since I wasn't dying to become a mom ASAP.
I think kids are cute and they are great, but I have no patience and i still turn up my nose when i see a screaming kid in target and know i shouldn't becuase one day that will be me. I'm hoping that being around their babies will give me an idea of 1/2 of what it might be like because right now its a huge scary rabbit hole i don't want to fall into! I'm good with being the fun aunt for now and maybe one day my feelings will change! i
Hah, the patience thing comes naturally when the child is actually yours. Don't get me wrong, the crying will drive you mad sometimes - but you are much more capable of handling it when you're the parent.
And remember that babies aren't babies forever. Sometimes it feels like an eternity when you're living it, but they get older and grow up and (to me) become a LOT more fun. I don't hide the fact that the newborn stage is not enjoyable to me. Sure, they're cute and cuddly most of the time, but they are a LOT of work with little in return. They can't even smile at you for the first few weeks. But now that DS is 18 months old, he's like a real little person to me - walking, talking, expressing opinions, copying things we do, helping with things instead of constantly needing to be helped. It's a whole different ballgame now and he's only going to get more independent, which to me is the wonderful thing about parenting!
But now that DS is 18 months old, he's like a real little person to me -
It's so funny you say that because that is what I just said to my coworker. she has a 14 month old and he came in here yesterday walking around and smiling and I was like "its like you have a Real human being now"... I actually hear that alot, that the older they get the more fun it gets!