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Stick it out? Or throw in the towel?
So I started dating this guy three months ago - he's funny, considerate, caring and a lot of other great things. The catch? He's insecure, which has been leading to some irrational jealousy and is starting to really bug me.
I adore this guy, and when he's not worrying, things are amazing. We get along great, have the same values, like a lot of the same things, want to go the same direction. But when he gets a bout of insecurity, he starts to worry that I might leave him for someone else, decide I just don't want to be with him anymore for one reason or another, thinks my outgoing disposition might lead guys on (he says it's just my friendly personality, but that he worries what other guys will take it for, to which I responded that it's not my concern what they think - only what I do/say/intend!), that friends might put me in "bad situations" (like getting drunk and out of control - again, this was met with me saying I'm my own person), etc.
He got super upset when I went to my bestie's house and a guy I'd gone out with ONCE, who happened to be her bf's best friend, was over there too. I was totally open with him about it, and he freaked, saying he couldn't believe she would put me in that situation. After explaining she'd given me a head's up he would be there and me not caring one ounce one way or the other, he said he was sure there was "flirting" going on, even if it was just perceived as such by this other guy. Yeah, it's THAT kind of crazy. And then he decided he really didn't like my best friend because she asked if I thought the guy was still hot (yeah, dumb that I told him she asked such a stupid, albeit innocent, question). He just gets irrational and totally won't listen to whatever I might try to say to reassure or explain. Sometimes I can see tendencies toward controlling behavior, too, just from his fear of losing his grip on me, I assume. I generally call him out on it, but it just starts another one of "those" arguments, you know? It's retarded!
I've mentioned couseling, and he begrudgingly said he'd consider it, but he didn't see how "telling a stranger all his problems" would do anything.
I should also mention that I moved (happened to be a lot closer to him) a while back and have to go back "home" to help out family around the holidays. This is sending him into a tizzy and he's ultra paranoid that I'll be getting into trouble of some kind or another, and that I'll have a "whoops" (as he calls it) and end up cheating. It's grating on my nerves, because I am certainly NOT that kind of person, and I've never given him a reason to not trust me. I'm about as open and honest as they come, and so it's insulting and degrading when he suggests that's a possibility, and I've told him so.
Again, I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face. He admits he's insecure and has a problem, but doesn't seem very keen on doing much about it, IMO. Our conversations about it seem to go nowhere, and there's never any resolution or plan of action. So do I go the patient route, and just keep trying to reassure him and hope he feels more secure in time (and encourage therapy or something?)? Or should I run for the hills, despite the fact that he's absolutey amazing in every other way? Or is there some happy medium I'm not seeing?
If I've left anything out or you have questions, please ask! TIA!
Re: Stick it out? Or throw in the towel?
Three months is still in the relationship "probation period". He may be amazing in every other way, but he's far from it in one absolutely HUGE way. The jealousy and controlling ways will only get worse in time, no matter how much you prove to him you are faithful- he likely believes the reason you are faithful is that he is somehow stopping you from cheating, or that you just haven't had the opportunity. He gives you no credit, nor your character or morals.
There is a better fit for you out there. Dump him and move on. And do him the service of explaining that his behaviour is the reason- he could get counselling (and possibly medication for anxiety) if he really wants to change. It could help his next girlfriend. Feel bad for him perhaps, but don't subject yourself to a future of more of this!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Cut your losses and go.
Why should you date a guy who is insecure and poses all kinds of problems, where you wind up walking on eggshells?
He's not for you. Call it a day, say goodbye and move on. Don't waste your time on him and do not waste any more energy on him.
Sorry, but no. You may have learned to control your jealousy, but it doesn't work that way for everyone- your advice could actually put someone at risk of physical harm. The entire purpose of dating is to 'test-drive' your partner, and this guy is a FAIL. Why should she test MORE (staying at home, feeling jailed and unhappy) just to give him more chances he doesn't deserve? She owes him nothing.
It's perfectly legitimate to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend for any reason at all- he tells boring jokes, she spends too much, his apartment's a disaster zone, she was rude to a waitress? any of these reasons, and more! OP shouldn't settle for less than she deserves, which is a good man- a decent human being- who treats her like a queen. NOT a crazy-jealous, irrational, mostly-nice guy who said he loved her 2 weeks in. That'so crazy there's no excusing it! Three months is certainly enough to see that. Period.
My ex was like this. Sadly I stayed when at, wouldnt you know it, about 4 months in I was thinking of leaving. I saw the signs too. It got worse..from him being jealous and controlling, ie telling me he didnt like me wearing certain clothes, & didnt like me speaking to other men, to him kicking things and punching things right next to me, pushing me, holding me still, etc. And this was with me trying to nip it in the bud, standing up for myself and whatnot. It would have been so much easier to leave earlier than I did. They say they will change with their jealous nature..personally, I dont think that happens, unless their self confidence somehow magically changes for some reason, but do not count on it. Seriously its not worth giving a chance and sticking around for.
From experience..if you can do it, get out! I can definitely say it will only get worse.
Three months in, and he's already trying to isolate you from friends and family and anyone who isn't him. In three years, he'll be beating you.
With three billion men in the world, surely you can do better.
This. "Stick it out" applies to being in a marriage, not a dating relationship! It's not throwing in the towel, it's making a wise decision to seek someone who is a better match for you.
This. Your dating, your not married. Theres other fish in the sea... I had a jealous ex and it wasn't until after he dumped me (for being too whatever....because I sitll would go to clubs with my girlfriends etc and he didn't like it...so he dumped me). I was crushed because I thought he was awesome, but my next relationship with my now H, is so much healthier when I look at the difference. My H completely trusts me and I trust him, he is still friends with his Ex and I am still friends with my guy friends and we both realize that we are with eachother and NOT those other people because we are not interested in them so having friends doesn't pose a threat.
I am fiercly independent and didn't even realize how miserable I was in that possesive relationship until I was liberated from it. Get out before you waste more time with someone who doesnt trust you.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
Get out. NOW! This is EXACTLY how my relationship with my ex started - right down to the "You BFF will put you in bad situations" argument. I promise you - PROMISE you - that his insecurities will escalate.
With me, it started innocently enough. He didn't like me drinking. On paper, it looked kosher; after all, what kind of person would I be if I chose alcohol over my boyfriend? However, that meant I couldn't go out with my friends (even if I didn't drink) without an argument. I swear to you, by the end of the relationship, I couldn't even talk on the phone to my mother without getting the silent treatment from him.
I'm not saying that your BF is intentionally a bad guy. I'm saying his natural instinct is to display abusive tendencies. He is attempting to isolate you from friends and family. he is over accelerating the momentum of the relationship (At three months, he shoudl have no bad opinions of any of your friends or family). He is making you responsible for his feelings. (A mature, balanced person realizes that THEY are the ones in control of how they feel/act.) These are 3 of the top 10 signs of an abusive relationship.
Patience and reassurance will NOT help. Once you leave him and explain why, he is free to seek counseling for his insecurities, but even then you should not reconcile with him. After all, if you do, he has no reason to maintain the change. I know we are strangers, but I so hope that you will spare yourself the trauma that is coming your way. I was a bright, vivacious, enthusiastic, spontaneous, carefree woman when I met my ex. At the end, I was a scared, nervous, depressed little girl with NO confidence. It took me years to regain my old self. It's been almost 6 years now since I left him. It was the absolute best thing I ever did.
Best of luck to you. Please let us know what you decide to do.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye