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Hitched 4 one year & he has been unfaithful
ok... gonna try to make a lonnnng story short. I really am in need of some serious advice. I have been married for 1 year. In my mind every thing was fine but apparently its not. I am a RN and my husband is a trucker driver.He usually doesnt come home until the weekend. Saturday and Sunday mostly. One night I decided to look through his text messages while he was cutting my sons hair in the guest house and to my SURPRISE I found messages to and from him to differant numbers that turned out to be women. They mostly referred to them meeting up and the messages would end with the woman sayin she made it home, thanks, and she cant wait to do it again when he is in town. I also saw text from a girl that he had claimed to be his best friend and in his text to her he told her that he LOVED her; then she proceeded to ask for a Christmas gift... NOW this really fired me up... I also read 1 from him to his ex offering her sex.....
After reading I was able to hold my composure and not say anything due to the fact that my 6 year son was home and I didnt wanna cause a scene. My heart was beating so fast and hard I thought that I was gonna die!!!! I decided not to say anything until I could investigate more. So the next day once he had gone back on the road I called a couple of the #'s and gathered as much info as possible. I even found out that he had visited one of the women in my truck!!!... The women knew about me, our children, and his job.
I decided to write him a letter telling him about my findings and reminding him of those things that i had advised him before marriage would be unacceptable. I wrote the letter because I was really unsure of what I would say or do if I were to see him. So I left the letter on the counter and when he returned home Friday afternoon he read it and began to text asking was I gonna divorce him and if I wanted him to leave; which i didnt bother to answer.
Once I got home he was gone and sometime during the night he returned back and I found him sleeping on the couch in the den Saturday morning. We didnt say anything at all that day besides small talk. (nothing about the situation.) That night he slept in our bed and I placed a huge pillow between the two of us. On Sunday he did some small talk (nothing about the situation.) So as he hopped into the truck to leave to go on the road I walked out and in tears demanded answers!!! He had no explanation for why he brought his so called friend to our home that he has now professed to love via text to her. He then claims that he has been stressed and that I am always busy and never have time to talk to him while he is driving throught the day. And that on the weekends I go here and there(which isnt at all true) Then he said something about the devil and the internet and how he allowed it to cause him to search for woman to have sex with. Mostly I talked about his son and my son and how he has hurt me and ect.
I am soooooo confused. I have NO one to talk to or ask advice from. I do love him and I love the life we have built BUT i dont wanna be with someone who is unfaithful and willing to put me at risk for thier personal enjoyment.
A couple months after we got married I delivered a stillborn baby and to be honest I felt he may have gotten married to me just because I was prego. We dated off and on for about 3-4 years before we got married. We both are 30 years old
He did say that he loves me and loves to come home to me and my son and even says he loves the life we have built together. I am sooooo LOST!!!
sorry this is soooooo long
HELP!!!!
Re: Hitched 4 one year & he has been unfaithful
This is a cross post from the other board...
This is a big big shame. I am sorry for your troubles.
I'll be honest:
No happily married decent man has any business with women other than his wife. He's got no business chatting up other women with the intention of committing adultery.
And a NEWLYWED man has even LESS business than that with other women, period. He should be "into you" and not into whoever else he can find to have sex with!
And apparently he either never ended the relationship with his ex or he has resumed it or he's never gotten over her, even if they have officially broken up or divorced (whichever applies).
Do yourself a gigantic favor:
Show this guy the door and please see an attorney about getting this marriage annulled.
What he is doing constitutes fraud: he does not wish to be in a committed relationship for life.
If you are having money problems, try legal aid. Or call a women's shelter and tell them you need an inexpensive attorney for an annullment.
And perhaps you can DIY if you and he have no jointly held property, no kids, no assets that belong to you both.
You can make a clean break of it, get this sham of a marriage annulled and then chalk this up to experience. What has happened here is NOT your fault: it is his. What a rotten thing to do to somebody who he is married to.
He's balmy and whacky and what kind of bullshit is this:
Then he said something about the devil and the internet and how he allowed it to cause him to search for woman to have sex with. Mostly I talked about his son and my son and how he has hurt me and ect
This also reminds me of that ole Flip Wilson routine where he used to go 'the DEVIL made me do it, HONEY" as Geraldine Jones. Srsly, does he think you are going to buy this "explanation" hook line and sinker???? I think NOT.
Don't listen to him when he lords the blame over on you! This is HIS fault and his mess that he created. He's bullshitting you about "Why" he's with these other chicks.
There is nothing more for you to do: file for an annullment, change the locks and leave his stuff outside. And cease all contact with him, if he is not the biological father of your son. There's nothing more to say and you do not have anything more to do with him.
One more word of advice:
Get tested for every STD that there is. God only knows who he was with and if this sex was even protected with a condom. UGH.
Did you get yourself bereavement counseling for your loss? It might be a good idea if you do -- see a counselor because all of this is going to hit you like a ton of bricks: first the loss of a child and then this mess with the harem that he's got lined up???
Another thing you should do:
Do you know for certain -- and that is if his status is allegedly divorced -- that he is indeed LEGALLY divorced??? Did he show you the actual divorce decree that was signed by the judge and the attorneys for both him and his former spouse?
For all you know, he may be legally married to her still.
i know this sounds crazy -- but it happens. I myself know of a case where that's precisely what happened to a woman who thought she was marrying a guy who was single and legally unwed.:( Turns out his divorce was never final and he was still legally married to the spouse.
Demand the divorce papers and you check on this yourself: call the attorneys for both parties and see the judge that's allegedly listed on the divorce papers.
This is quite the mess. The sooner you are free of this rat, the better off you will be.
And if you get divorced or annulled, you don't have to explain jack squat to anybody. None of their business what happened.
I personally think cheating constitutes divorce. I really dont know how you get past that issue completely, especially when he will probably do it again. I've known people who have tried for many years to get over this issue, and in the end ended up divorcing anyway because it ALWAYS came back up. It would be one thing if it was one and in the heat of the moment I suppose.. but an ex and all these others? Oh I am so sorry.
It also doesnt seem like you have been with him very long..5 or so years is nothing in the grand scheme of your life. My guess is you will be much happier later down the road if you decide to move on to a better life. I wish you well, and I am very sorry this has happened to you.
I'd say in marriage, maybe...MAYBE one indiscression and a LOT of remorse could possibly be forgivable.
But MULTIPLE affairs? And so soon? Honey, he will do this over and over again. It's so not worth the pain to you or your children.
Get out now.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I guarantee the OP that these little playmates of his have been in the picture since they began dating. This is not new behavior over the last year or so.
I feel for you as it is so disheartening to feel betrayed. Since you had the courage to look for signs of him cheating you already knew it was happening. I guess you already know what the right answer is to your situation. I think the best thing to do is focus on getting yourself together with the least possible amount of damage to your son.
I agree if it was just with one person you could understand and maybe work things out. Everyone needs forgiveness but since he is flirting or hooking up with multiple people and an ex then you would be silly to think he can change.
Talking about it is the first step with coming to terms with things. Next, get yourself a plan and figure out how you can get out of the situation and minimize the damage. You'll have time later to get mad, sad, upset etc. Now is the time to take care of business and do what you know you must do.
Reach out to a good friend and ask for help getting through this. Someone that is not going to judge you or allow you to get soft and stick with it. Start by asking him to leave the house and finding another place to live. Then work out a financial plan on what you need. Get friends to help you with you child and just be strong.
You are with a foolish man that clearly is driven by a need that you will never be able to provide. So, don't be a foolish person and think you can solve his problems without taking yourself down with him.
Good luck.
See my reply on the other board. Don't be taken in by this bum. He stinks on ice.
Honey, I made a username just to write to you.
1st please take a step back and be strong.
2.) YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
3.) you HAVE to tell your friends and family. You need their support. Otherwise he will reel you back in (like he is).
4.) you cannot believe him from now on out.
Now, you knew something was up, that's why you went snooping. Snooping in a marriage is wrong. But you suspected something. He would have never told you about this.
I think he has some type of multiple personality disorder. He wants the "home life/wife" yet still live like a college kid. You need to step up and be strong. It is not embarrassing. Don't be embarrassed to tell people either. If you want to save yourself from future pain, you need to get out now. He did not start a relationship with those girls this year, he has had them. I even bet he still talks to them and told them you found out. Now he will just be smarter about it.
Jess
This is really sad, and I can imagine your very confused. But there is no excuse to adultry. clearly you both have been dating for a long time and he knows how your lifestyle is before he married you he obviously had to establish a plan to adapt. Do you both have a good sex life? You can forgive him because everyone is human and we all make mistakes but its up to you if you want to continue tolerating his actions, do what your heart tells you and ask God for direction.. I he loves you like he says he does you have to put him to the test.
God helps those who helps themselves -- ever heard of that one?
The OP is boo hoo hooing on another board "how do I get him to gooooooo......"
It's really very simple "how".
The scuz H needs to go; we all know this.
It's evident that the OP does not.
It's academic: you get you financial ducks in a row and you file. You don't even have to tell him you are doing this -- and you file for either an annulment or a divorce, depending on what your attorney advises.
You put his crap in a box and put it in the hall and you lock him out. If he starts a ruckus, you get the cops involved. And you get an RO out on this jerk, if it gets funky and unruly.
He should be requested to leave and do so as per more or less a gentleman's agreement. Without preamble, minus an argument on his part and without any type of utterance out of his yap, he is to comply: pack up and go minus a word and NO arugments -- he should leave when the kids are not there; they should not be privvy to this scene ---- but I get the ugly feeling that somebody like the OP's scumbag H won't be a gent and leave without preamble.
I am floored that she was stupid enough to permit him to return to their apartment, let alone sleep in the same bed as her. And really...WHERE was he one morning??? HA --- c'mon, now.... either that's MUD or she's dumber than we thought.
Methinks she wants to stay here and become some kind of Nest martyr. Who's with me on this one?
HE's slept with God only knows how many people. Who knows what kind of STDs he is exposed to??? The OP also needs to get tested for every std in creation -- UGH ---- and she needs to do it now.
What do you mean by this? Was he penetrating you or just laying on top of you?
First, I am sorry to hear that, being cheated on hurts on so many levels that unless you have been through it you really can't know that sickening feeling. However, there are always tell tell signs depending on the nature of the cheating ( over a period of time, one might stand, with old fling, with co-worker)
Regardless, you have to restore your self esteem. Many women fool themselves that their esteem is not affected but how can it not be. In the recess of your mind you start comparing your looks with what you thought he liked which again should be your looks, you start wondering what did you do wrong, and because you are blindsided you are scared that you won't recognize it again either in this marriage or another.
The fact of the matter is if you decide to remain with him you always wonder if he is doing it again. This not only taxes you but annoys him because men want absolute forgiveness as if it never happened and if they are still doing it, they become mad that they feel you saw through their clever tricks to conceal the infidelity. Men love smart women but they never want to believe that we are smarter than them when they put their minds to being smarter than us.
No one can help you with whether the decision to stay or go is right. Some forgive and move on to very happy futures others take baggage around until they settle for someone they think might not cheat. If you stay there is no guarantee it won't happen again and regardless to what you are told there will always be the painful what if thoughts that can or will cripple your attraction for him, cause a unsatisfing sex life which is sure to cause problems. You know your heart so if the piece are made of egg shell you better pray hard on how to put humpty dumpty heart back together again.
I wish you well
Cheating is NOT acceptable EVER. Y'all have been married for 1 year and he has already cheated not once, but multiple times. Time to have a serious talk and tell him NO MORE and GOODBYE.
This is NOT your fault at all. He is the one that cheated. Don't let him blame you for anything. Don't believe that "the Devil and the internet made me do it" line. That's bullshit right there.
I know you love him, but it seems like he doesn't love you if he's cheating with multiple people. Get out and get out now.