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bad night... feel so alone
I know that I haven't been on here much. A lot of the reason is I feel like there is such a large age gap between myself and the rest of you. Most of you are closer to my daughters' ages than to mine. You're having babies when I'm hoping to have grandchildren someday.
But right now I don't know what to do. Our marriage had a rocky start. The third year was pretty good. We have had our moments, but we had both come around to a point where we were glad we were married and looking forward to our future together. Now I think that has all been blown to hell.
We have had not a great couple months. It started after his oldest son moved in with us. He is 21 and doesn't seem to be inclined to do what it takes to support himself. Before he moved in, we talked about what the rules would be and I told my husband that my biggest fear was that him moving in would result in us divorcing. I know what to expect of my stepson. We always hope for more, but so far, it hasn't happened. My concern was my husband's inability to follow through with the consequences he lays out for breaking the rules. It took about a week for me to see that we were still in the cycle. The stress of having my stepson here and the frustration it has added has caused us to fight. For me, the frustration comes from my expectation of my husband to follow through with what he has said would happen. If I say anything, then I get blamed. It's my fault because I point it out. I try to point it out because I don't get how he can expect his son's behavior to change when he never is given a consequence.
Last night I got frustrated because his son is supposed to be responsible for a set of chores. The trash needed to be taken out to the curb. I reminded my husband that the next day was trash day. I got no response and no action for several hours. Finally, around midnight, I said I'll just do it. I went and got the trash from the kitchen and took it outside. I put it in the can and started rolling it to the curb. My husband ran behind me telling me that he would do it. As I was pushing the can down the driveway, he physically grabbed the can, shoved me to the side, and pushed the can forward really hard. I still had my hands on it, and it almost caused me to fall. I had a mark on my arm where he shoved me. I was furious. When I confronted him, he said it was my fault. That I should have let go of the can.
I had some choice words for him, then I went to bed. He slept in the living room. I've been sick this week, and I was feeling bad this morning. I figured he would have calmed down and realized that he shouldn't have gotten physical with me, but nothing was said all day. Then this evening he was getting ready to leave for work. We were in the garage and I noticed a styrofoam cooler that he had ran over and busted when he ran after me the night before. I said something about it, and it was obvious that he had not changed his mind. I confronted him and asked him if he still thought it was my fault that he shoved me and almost made me fall. He said yes. I lost it. Really lost it. I was so mad at the thought that he got physical with me and was blaming me for what he did that I attacked him. I shoved him twice, screaming the whole time, then I slapped him across the head. He blew up and told me to get out. He hates me and I've been nothing but a pain to him. Then the best line was he told me that he hopes I die.
I know I was wrong to attack him. I know that and I don't blame him for it. I should have kept control of myself just as he should have. But now I don't see much hope for our marriage. I am 45 years old. Both my girls are grown and now live out of state. I have no one close to me. I am not a loner. I don't like going to the grocery store alone. Sitting in silence in a house is an agonizing thought to me. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I expect to hear from you girls. I guess I just need a place to vent it out. I feel so scared and lost. I sound like such a loser. It's so easy to sit back and tell someone that they should leave a situation. It's much harder to be in that situation with all the emotions and know what is best. We had come so far to lose this relationship now.
Re: bad night... feel so alone
The fact that he blamed you for putting his hands on you and that you allowed yourself to attack him makes me feel like you two are almost at ( if not already at) the point where counseling is too late. If you had a fear that his son moving in would result in your divorce, why did you entertain the idea? I'm not at all blaming you for how rocky things are right now, I'm just wondering if deep down you were ok with the thought of someday divorcing him. I'm so sorry he told you he hated you, though. That must have been really hurtful to hear.
Something I took away from your post, and I may be wrong, is that if you were closer to your daughters and didn't feel like you'd be totally alone, you maybe would have already separated from him. Is that fair to say, or am I way off base?
I hate that you're feeling so alone and that things are so tense for you in your own home.
I Trueluv hope things improve for you (either with or without him) and please know you always have us girls to vent to! Thinking of you! xo
I'm sorry to hear that things got to this point for you guys! Having recently gone through divorce myself (although for very different reasons), I can understand some of the pain and hurt you must be feeling. Despite that, I really do believe there is hope for most marriages. I certainly don't advocate for anyone to stay in a situation that is harmful though. I think only you can know whether the garbage can incident is a typical pattern or just done out high emotions on both ends. I don't know why he would think what he did was deserved, but it sounds like you know better and aren't going to believe that.
As PP suggested, counseling for both of you, or even just yourself, would probably be a good outlet and help you to work through a lot of this (although maybe you're already going?).
As far as your stepson, all I can think of is the book Necessary Endings. There's a part in there about hope - and whether it is based in reality (like you can see changes starting to take place) or on wishful thinking.
I don't know what to say to help you feel better. I do hope maybe you can find some friends somehow. Maybe a hobby (meetup.com?), gym, co-workers, church group, neighbors? I'm sure it's hard not having your daughters nearby. Feel free to talk/vent anytime.
I didn't feel like it would be right for me to tell him that his son couldn't come live with us for a short time. I knew that if one of my girls were in a bad situation, I would want to be able to give them a temporary place to stay. He was being evicted and his mom had said he couldn't come back to her house. He has worn out his welcome with a few people. My husband thought he could force him to do right and maybe get into some better habits. He would have held a grudge if I had said no.
My biggest problem is that everything seems to be my fault. He blames me for so much. When he told his son the rules and the consequences of not following them, he included that he would have to follow through with what he said because I would make him. He really told his son that.
I'm not okay with the thought of someday divorcing. I just have felt very expendable in this relationship. I feel like I have been the one who fought for it and I'm really tired of feeling like that. After this past year, I thought we were over the hurdle. We had settled in. I've had some really stressful things going on this past year with one of my daughters and he has stood behind me. I was finally feeling like he had my back. But that was when it was an issue with one of my kids. I kinda feel like he was a little bit happy that one of my girls was acting badly. Then when his son got himself into the mess he's in, it was different. I know that he's stressed out and he's really embarrassed with how his son has been acting. He's taking it out on me.
Is he willing to go to counseling with you?
Thanks for clarification
I really hope things work out for the best for you, and I'm so sorry you're feeling like you're being blamed for things!
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! It does seem like your husband is putting you in a bad position by not only not following up and enforcing the rules with his son, but also by allowing you to have to make up for the work that he is not doing. At the very least, if his son isn't going to take out the garbage, he should do it before you have to. If he can't bring himself to follow through on the parenting, he could at least try to be a supportive husband to you. It seems like a no-win situation for you. You don't want to get in the middle of their relationship, but things still need to get done.
All of that being said, and I know you know this, the fact that things got physical on both sides is not acceptable. I think counseling is in order, whether you want to continue to work on your marriage, or not. If your H won't go with you (which I would not take kindly to as it shows little effort to try to save your relationship), then you should go on your own.
Sending lots of hugs your way! Feel free to vent to us anytime. I hope things start looking up for you soon!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that counseling is needed for both of you. What he said was very hurtful and I can't help but wonder if it came ffrom the same place your shoving him came from. Sometimes our emotions get the better of us and we react in a way that isn't necessarily how we feel. It might have caught him off guard and that was a knee jerk reaction?
Its really sad that he is blaming you for these things. Have you talked to him about some of what he says makes you feel? I know this might be childish of me to suggest but next time there is a chore for your step son to do that he doesn't, I'd just leave it. If the trash doesn't get taken out because of him and your husband doesn't step up and do it than f**k it. Make them live with the inconvience of him not doing what was agreed upon.
I hope that things get better for you. I'm sorry your daughters aren't close by. We're here for you when you need to vent too.
Just promise you'll get the heck out of there if you ever feel your life is in danger. Otherwise those grand kids you hope to have may not know you. That might sound harsh but domestic abuse puts many people in the hospital or morgue every single day.
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My only update is that he came in the next morning with his mom to load his stuff up adn move to her house. I told him there is no need for that. I'm going to go to my dad's house for the interim. I work from home, so I can't just pack up and leave whenever I want. I have been sick all week, probably a good part of the reason I didn't control myself better, although no excuse. I had a dr appt yesterday morning. There was no way I could drive myself. I have no one else here, so I asked him if he or his mom could take me. She drove me up. Dr thinks I have a stomach virus. Hard to tell what's wrong with everything else going on. I hadn't slept or eaten, so he gave me a phenogren shot and a prescription for more. I was able to sleep yesterday and last night. I'm not as nauseous, but still haven't eaten much.
My husband has not been back to the house. He texted me earlier to see if I'm still here. I told him that I am, but my dad is coming to get me since I'm too sick to drive. I thought it was shitty of him to ask since he knew I was sick. He said he stopped caring when I punched him in the face. He's being a hypocrit about it. I take responsibility for what I did, but he won't do the same. He says he's tired of trying and that he doesn't need love. Love only causes pain. No to counseling, no to compromising, no to everything.
I have my own issues to deal with and I told him that I'm willing to go to counseling on my own. I think I've probably needed to anyway. He pointed out that we both resent each other and I guess he's right. I felt for the first two years, I was the lowest person on his list. His ex-wife got consideration before I did. I know a lot of that came from the issues he had from things that happened between him and his father when he was a teenager. But the past year he's been a lot better. He has considered me, but I know I've been slow to give him credit or to trust in it. We've both made a good deal of mistakes and I honestly don't know that it's not best for us to split. I just hate to when I know that we do both love each other. Maybe it's the wrong kind of love. Maybe he's right when he says that it's poisonous.
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
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I'm so sorry that this is how things are playing out for you right now. Stress has a major impact on our health so I'm sure that it is taking its toll on your body too.
I really hope that you can find someone to talk to and seek advice from so that you can work through your own 'stuff,' with or without him.I'm generally very pro-stick-it-out but this just doesn't seem to be a very healthy relationship and I would hate to read a post about you being really physically hurt.
::lots of hugs::
I'm sorry this is how it's turning out for you. It sounds like you're right about him having other issues that are impacting his behavior towards and with you. I hope that you feel better soon. Being sick through all of this is not helping the situation I'm sure.
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Still not feeling well at all... yucky stomach. My dad and stepmom came and got me Friday. I spent the weekend at their house and had planned to stay there for the week, but ended up coming home last night. My husband and I talked over the weekend and we're going to give it six more months and see if we can work out the issues. We both apologized for getting physical. That's not normal for either of us. He told me he's not going to be a punching bag. I told him that I agree, but he also has to realize that he doesn't have to hit me to hurt me. He's larger and stronger than me and it doesn't take much physical force to do damage to me. He apologized and said he wasn't trying to hurt me and he would have felt horrible if I had been hurt. We both acted very badly and there is no excuse for it.
As far as us working on our relationship, we both have to change some. We've had some stressful things happening and we've let them pull us apart instead of bring us closer. I don't feel like I've been as much support to him as I should be, so I'm going to try my best to keep my mouth shut when there is no real purpose in opening it. I have a tendency to look at the negative in things when he really only needs me to be there for him and listen. He's going to try to be more assertive about what he wants instead of letting everyone run over him. He's bad to worry about keeping everyone else happy to the point that he enables them. He was resenting me, and I was losing respect for him.
We will see. I don't know if it will work out or not. I know we have had our ups and downs. While the downs have gotten to be less, when we're down, we're really far down. I hope we can make it work. Thanks to all of you for being supportive. I'll try to post more often and hopefully about positive things.
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
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