Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Thanksgiving... Who should host?
My husband and I have been married for just over one year, but have been together for nearly seven. For years I have been talking openly with my mother-in-law about how much I looked forward to hosting the holidays once we bought a house. Well, the time has arrived... and I'm feeling a bit irked because she seems to have high-jacked Thanksgiving. She thinks it would be inconvenient at our home because as we have not yet purchased dining furniture (we just moved in, so I was planning on renting tables and chairs). She is wonderful - most of the time - but can be a bit passive-agressive. I feel like she should have asked what our plans were for seating, rather than assuming we would not be prepared for guests. I get the feeling she is having a hard time letting go of her responsibilities as the hostess. Honestly, I'm a little annoyed because she has been able to host Thanksgiving for 10 or 15 years longer than most moms... because my husband's brother and sister-in-law have no interest in cooking! What should I do?!
Re: Thanksgiving... Who should host?
Hmmm that is a tough one. One hand she truly might have thought she was helping or trying to not put you in an awkward situation. Honestly, if someone didn't have an dining furniture, I would assume they wouldn't be hosting either. Renting as a possibility wouldn't even pop into my head. So in that aspect, I wouldn't try to think she has any ulterior motives.
However that being said, I probably would have smiled and said " Oh well, we will be missing you guys at our home for Thankgiving this year." If you give the impression that you will be hosting no matter what, she might just relent and join you.
Why do you feel she's supposed to cede this responsibility to you just because you want it? It's a bit presumptuous to be annoyed that she's still cooking for her extended family- it's how it's done in lots of families. Just because you've replaced his mom and dad in terms of next of kin for your DH, doesn't mean his family has to do your bidding. You can extend the invitation or you can make arrangements to dine with friends instead. DH and I hosted wine soaked Thanksgivings with his single friends for years. I'd cook some sort of meat and we'd all pot luck sides, apps and dessert. Some of our best memories ever.
What do you mean by she has gotten 10 to 15 years more hosting than most moms? Just because kids grow up and marry doesn't mean you don't get to host Holidays anymore.
Let her host if she wants, compromise a different Holiday for you to do. You sound really controlling and weird with this post.
Yeah, honestly, I get that you want to host Thanksgiving, but I am not sure why you think you can just take the holiday tradition away from your MIL just because you got married. If my brother married someone and that person thought they could just takeover a major holiday tradition... well, let's say that that would not go over well. I know you don't mean any harm by it, but it seems to be getting things off on the wrong foot to want to hijack plans, rather than join in their traditions.
Surely there is another holiday you can host? Easter, New Year's Eve, Christmas, Christmas Eve...?
Did you actually offer to host this specific Thanksgiving, and were you in the process of arranging for furniture/ planning a menu/ getting tableware? Or did you talk in the past, in general, about wanting to host Thanksgiving when you had your own house, and thought your MIL would assume that now you would host Thanksgiving because you have a house this year, and were irritated to see she's still planning to host Thanksgiving as usual? From your post it's hard to tell, and I have two different answers.
If it's the first- if you specifically invited the family to your home for Thanksgiving this year, and then MIL said, "Nah, we'll do it at my place since I have dining furniture," my answer to her would be, "Have fun! Sorry we'll miss you, but as you know, we've already made plans to have Thanksgiving at our house this year." If you want Thanksgiving in your own home this year and made plans to do so, you can absolutely stick to that.
If it's the second- if you were assuming she was going to say "Okay, your turn!" and then were upset that she didn't- she didn't hijack the holiday. She continued in the same tradition they've had for years, and didn't consider you as an alternative because you didn't say you were planning, this year, to be the alternative. Next year, speak up early and specifically. "This year I'd really like to host Thanksgiving in our home. We have new dining furniture/ plans to rent furniture and I'm excited to do the cooking. We'd love it if you joined us!"
And- in either case- she doesn't have to gladly stop hosting because you'd like to start. It'd be nice of you all to work it out (trading years, doing different holidays, or rotating to every family member instead of always going to either house) but she has as much a right to want to host her family in her home on the holidays as you have to want to host your family in your home.
I don't get that either. My grandmother hosted Thanksgiving until the year before she died, and then only because she was too sick from chemo to host. My mom and aunts would help out, but it was almost always at grandma's house. On DH's side, it's still at his grandfather's house even though his grandmother passed away.
Pretty much ditto VAGal. Holidays are SO about tradition and if MIL feels Thanksgiving is "her" holiday to host - then you need to approach this thoughtfully and gently AND you need to realize she may not want to give it up. It's hard for people to change their holiday traditions. I'm not saying it shouldn't happen - at some point all traditions change or end for one reason or another. But just because YOU want to host doesn't mean that BAM, now you will host.
I iwll say too that the idea that you'll have to rent tables and chairs - eh, I say don't push for this year. wait until next year when you actually have furniture. The more settled in and "homey" your house is, the more open she may be to the idea. And furniture aside, the more SHE'S used to your home, the more comfortable she may become an din turn, more open to the idea.
~Benjamin Franklin
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I think you're overreacting to get actions. It doesn't sound like you let her know you we're planning to host this year, and honestly if I knew someone didn't have a dining table I would assume you weren't hosting too. Renting a table just so you can host THIS YEAR seems crazy to me. I'm not sure why you are so stuck on hosting this year when you aren't really prepared.
I also agree with PP that getting married doesn't automatically mean your plans change. My MIL still hosts. My aunt and uncle have hosted our family thanksgiving for years.
I really do think you are taking offense where none is meant. Why don't you let this go and plan an awesome Christmas party or let her know you'd like to try your hand at thanksgiving next year.
I agree that you didnt say outright to her and other family members that Thanksgiving this year would be at your house.
Have a calm discussion with her about co-hosting this year at her house or yours this year. Maybe you can make some of the food. Talk about the possibility of switching houses each year. One year it's at her house, the next at yours and alternates accordingly. If you alternate make sure that if there is a dish she must make she makes it. For my family my Father is the only person who makes the cranberry sauce. No one else makes it but him no matter who's house it's at.
I don't think there's a wrong answer to this. Although you've been saying that you planned on hosting TG, she may have thought it would be too soon for you to want to host this year. And, if she's been doing it for years, she's understandably going to have an emotional attachment to the "tradition" that has formed over the past 10-15 years. IMO, a person may feel like there's a "tradition" in place if he's done the same thing even 2 years in a row. Be sensitive to that instead of defensive.
Given that you just bought a house, you'd have to go out of your way to rent furniture, and it's kind of short notice, a good compromise might be dinner at her place and a post-aperitif shindig at yours (if you're geographically close enough to do that). Then you can discuss your TG plans for next year with plenty of notice to your MIL and give her every opportunity to be involved.
Why do you feel she's supposed to cede this responsibility to you just because you want it? It's a bit presumptuous to be annoyed that she's still cooking for her extended family- it's how it's done in lots of families. Just because you've replaced his mom and dad in terms of next of kin for your DH, doesn't mean his family has to do your bidding. You can extend the invitation or you can make arrangements to dine with friends instead. DH and I hosted wine soaked Thanksgivings with his single friends for years. I'd cook some sort of meat and we'd all pot luck sides, apps and dessert. Some of our best memories ever.
This. As far as I can tell its been her "holiday to host", not saying it has to be forever, but to assume that you get to take it over just because you (the newcomer and outsider) want to host, is kind of egotistical on your part.
Also where where you planning on renting tables from, because it seems like it would be easier to find a free or cheap table on craigslist then to rent 1 ugly ass plastic table from somewhere. Wedding suppliers and large events have large numbers of tables they rent out, and are unlikely to rent out just one because they want to have them available for the person who needs 20+ so they can make a better profit (at least not at a good price)..and most are not very pretty..so you would need all the linens and things to cover the table and chairs to make it feel homey anways...then you would need to make sure no one spill ect or you will have to pay damages....thats a lot to take on for the sake for one meal that your MIL has already planned on hosting.
Buy some furnature and talk to you MIL about perhaps hosting next year, or for easter (if you have a table by then).
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I cannot fathom how you are mad at your MIL because YOU decided YOU were changing HER traditions...
And renting furniture instead of just letting her have it this year and you take it next year is just silly.
I got married in October and invited everyone for Thanksgiving in November to my home (which had plenty of seating). It was very exciting and speical for me to host my first holiday in my first home, especially as a newlywed. My mother, father and sister declined. My MIL, FIL and BIL declined. DH and I had the very best Thanksgiving, together, just the 2 of us, in our home.
My mother has been hosting Thanksgiving for 40 years. She doesn't want to go anywhere else. So, she doesn't.
I pick and choose when I host, who I invite and when I go to my moms. It's been several years of guilt trips, fights and tears to come to terms with reality - and not get sucked into her expectations.
I have been "given" Easter. So, I host then. And my whole family are awful, stressful guests.
Can't pick your family! But do stop trying to change them. You can't. You can only change how you respond to them.
The sad reality. You're lucky, though! At least there's one adult in your family (you!)
Chill out and be happy that the stress isn't on you.
Besides, you're the one who is trying to change the way things are done.
Why do people get so worked up about holidays anyway?
Good grief, your response was really abrasive and rude.
Perhaps my brief description lacked some important details. There was a standing agreement, she appeared supportive, even excited, but then made phone calls to family members behind our backs to uninvite them to our home and invite them to her home instead, without ever asking whether we would have ample seating. I think that is rude, presumptuous, and manipulative. I am not off base here. My husband, who is extremely loving and doting toward his mother, told her to back off and went out and bought a table to shut her up. Thank goodness for husbands!
Just a word of advice, these message boards should be a place where women feel supported by one another and can engage in dialogue to resolve tough issues, not a place where we nit-pick every sentence and provide snarky commentary. Next time you should consider being constructive instead of nasty.
So you are jumping on all of us who took the time out to respond to your ORIGINAL post with out all the "details"? And stop posting on other boards just because you aren't getting the responses that you wanted. Whining about how mean the ladies on the nest are and telling us what this board should be for still makes my point about you, you are controlling and weird. Your poor MIL.
I sense a pattern here. You marry into the family and decide you should dictate holiday traditions. You join the Nest and decide you should dictate acceptable responses and Nest etiquette. So this is how nest etiquette actually goes: we can only respond based on the information you give. And if a whole bunch of people say you might be acting like a spoiled princess, you might be acting like a spoiled princess.
Why wouldn't you just go to MIL, explain that this is important to you, and ask her if the two of you can come to a fair agreement that makes everyone happy? If my MIL went behind my back and cancelled a party I had planned at my house THAT is what I'd be complaining about.