Cramped space...arguing all the time

Re: Cramped space...arguing all the time

• Soon2bMrsGarrett

  November 2012

  In my opinion and only my opinion, it is something that needs to be worked on as well as an adjustment. Communication is very important and no one likes to feel as if they are being ignored or misunderstood, so I would take a step back and try to come up with a different approach as to how you would like for you all to communicate with one another before it happens again.

  Kind words turns away wrath. IJS

  Kem's Wife

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• Ready4life member

  

  November 2012

  Can you find a larger space for around the same rent?  Maybe less desirable neighborhood? Personal space is huge when living with someone.  It sounds to me it's an adjustment phase, but that also that means you both have to recognize the problems and work at fixing them.  Also money can be a huge factor in relationship happiness. Is he looking for a new job?

  
  

   

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2012

  Why are you dating a guy -- no, moving in with a guy --  who is in debt? What's happening with that?
  
  Your bigger problem:
  
  he wants to spend and spend yet he ain't got 2 pennies to rub together. Why are you interested in a guy who has zero concept of money?
  
  I think you should bid him adieu...and find a guy who can meet you halfway and compromise with you on everything...and oh yeah, a guy who isn't in debt and fully employed. That helps, too.
  
  He's hardly some dumb kid -- he's nearly at the midpoint of his life.

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• soulsista69

  November 2012

  Communication is very important. Sit him down and have an old fashioned talk. Talk about the finances and the fact that you guys need to save and NOT spend more. And that new furniture isn't a necessarily but a want. Come up with a game plan. And maybe discuss looking for a bigger place in the same price range that way you both will have space... He can even have a man cave. If you truly love one another find a way to make it work.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  November 2012

  soulsista69:

  Communication is very important. Sit him down and have an old fashioned talk. Talk about the finances and the fact that you guys need to save and NOT spend more. And that new furniture isn't a necessarily but a want. Come up with a game plan. And maybe discuss looking for a bigger place in the same price range that way you both will have space... He can even have a man cave. If you truly love one another find a way to make it work.

  
  
  He's 47 years old -- why is he in debt?
  
  He's not exactly a guy who graduated from college not long ago so now he's got a chunk of student debt.
  
  I think your main concern is the fact this guy and you are not on the same page as how to save and spend money. And ask him why he's got debt and find out exactly how it was accrued.

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• kep0589

  November 2012

  It seems like even though he's 47 he still has a lot of maturing to do. Try to sit him down calmly and tell him exactly how you feel. He needs a permanent F/T job before he has any right of mentioning any new purchases. When that times comes save up for a bigger place.
  

  

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• JemmaWRX member

  

  November 2012

  RosiePilli:

  But he keeps going on and on about selling my furniture and purchasing new things. That will definitely eat into our savings. He is not working full time, has lots of debt.

  ***This annoys me... it seems borderline controlling.  You allowed him to move in to your place.  And if he's not contributing financially, he has little say in how you spend your money, ESPECIALLY if he wants to spend money on frivolous, unnecessary items.  He needs to shut up or nut up (i.e. get a regular, FT job!).*** 

  And we seem to argue all the time...like really full out name calling, venon spitting fights!  

  ***Ok, you two can't fight like that, you have to fight fair. And fighting fair involves cooler heads, no name-calling/yelling/cursing. When you find yourself getting heated, STOP! Leave the room, take a walk. You need a chance to cool off, reassess the issue, then readdress. Talk to each other with respect, like adults, like a couple that loves each other. If needed, seek the help of a marriage counselor.***

  Why is it we (me and him) speak to our enemies with more tact and less name-calling, but we are rude to each other.

  ***Because clearly your expectations of one another are out of whack.  This happens sometimes.  You have higher expecations for your husband than you do a complete stranger, a casual friend, a co-worker, right?  But you must have REALISTIC expectations of one another!!!!  You can't read each other's minds, you won't ALWAYS do the right thing, you WILL annoy each other.  It's all in a days work when your married/living together.  You guys clearly have an issue with communication, so this results in frustration, which manifests into knock-down, drag-out fights.  Fix the problem at its source.***

   ***Finally... Me and my husband live in a teeny tiny house!  Two bedrooms, one bathroom (and the bathroom is SMALL SMALL SMALL - makes for a fun time trying to get ready in the morning!).  My sister and her husband also live in a relatively small house, have two young children.  I've witnessed silly fights ensue over the STUPIDEST SH!T.  He's standing in front of the utensil drawer and she needs to get in.  Rather than ask "Can I get in here?" she pulls on the drawer repeatedly, hitting him each time until he moves.  He gets pissed, she gets pissed because he's pissed and it's Def-Con 5 all of a sudden.  It's so simple.  Respect, clear communication, boundaries, etc.  And pick your battles for chrissakes.  That's how we (me and my husband) get along just fine in our small space.  It's really not that hard. 

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• JemmaWRX member

  

  November 2012

  TarponMonoxide:

  soulsista69:

  Communication is very important. Sit him down and have an old fashioned talk. Talk about the finances and the fact that you guys need to save and NOT spend more. And that new furniture isn't a necessarily but a want. Come up with a game plan. And maybe discuss looking for a bigger place in the same price range that way you both will have space... He can even have a man cave. If you truly love one another find a way to make it work.

  
  
  He's 47 years old -- why is he in debt?
  
  He's not exactly a guy who graduated from college not long ago so now he's got a chunk of student debt.
  
  I think your main concern is the fact this guy and you are not on the same page as how to save and spend money. And ask him why he's got debt and find out exactly how it was accrued.

  Tarpon - people have debt, it's part of life.  I have debt, my husband has debt.  We knew full well each other's financial situation PRIOR to getting married.  And his student loans aren't a red flag in my book.  This guy's debt could be student loans if he went to school later on in life, it could be a car loan, it could be a loss he took on a house.  There are a whole host of things this could have stemmed from.  I don't think OP was a butthead for marrying this guy, at least not based on what we know now. 

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