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Snooping leads to something i dont like
So my FI and I have been together a little over 4 years.
I logged into his FB account this morning and looked under his activity log.. and saw two girls he had searched for at 2 am this morning. One he has "dated" in the past, and another one is married and goes to our fitness club. Of course I am a little upset he was up at 2 am searching these girls on FB, but then again I shouldn't be snooping. In reality, do you think it's normal for guys to do these such things?
I think the issues are deeper as to why I am snooping on his FB.. we have been engaged over 3 years... and he knows I want to get married but we have not set a date yet nor do we ever talk about a wedding. I don't know if I see a future for us because he doesn't seem to ever put any thought into our future or even get excited about it. (wedding, kids, house) I don't know what to think. Thoughts?
Re: Snooping leads to something i dont like
In all honesty I sometimes search for my exs. And not in a longing way but in a " hmm what are they up to? How are they?" kind of way. And my husband has done it to. We report back to each other. To me it's not a big deal because we are both secure in our marriage. You on the other hand seem to be insecure because the guy isn't giving you what you need.
You two need to have a sit down discussion. You need to fess up to snooping on his FB and you need to clear the air about what is truly bothering you. And you guys HAVE to talk about kids. It's important to know that the person you may marry wants them or not. That is a huge deal you two need to agree on.
I agree with PP. My H and I have both looked up our ex's on FB and even communicated with them. However, (1) we told each other BEFORE doing this and made sure the other was ok with it, and (2) we were just curious what was going on in their life.
Ironically, it turns out that my H's ex got married 2 weeks before us and my ex got married a few weeks after us, lol. So everyone's happy! We each sent a "congrats" message to our ex's and that's the last we've communicated with them. We probably won't communicate again because there's really no point, but if one of us did, we would be sure to let each other know about it just to keep it out in the open.
In your case, it's almost like he's hiding it. It could be that he's just curious like most people are, but doesn't think you'll approve. Or it could be something else. There's really no way of knowing without talking about it. I would just ask your FI "do you think it's ok if either of us communicates with an ex? How do you feel about that?" This will open up the conversation. I would also be open with him and explain that yes, you were snooping, and saw his FB, but also apologize for doing this. You don't need any secrets! If you already have good communication together, then he should be willing to talk about it.
If he was in communication with either of these girls or any other ones, I would see it as a problem but just a random search is not much of anything.
The real problem you have is that you have been asked to get married but you have not set a date and have sat this way for the last three years.
I don't remember where I heard it but someone once said that you are not really engaged to be married without a date set for the wedding. I am not sure why you are sitting around waiting for him to bring it up again. You need to cut to the chase and tell him to set a date with you or you are out the door if what you really want is a marriage.
As far as snooping is concerned, you sound like you think something is going on and that you can't trust him. Why is that?
Maybe he was curious to see what his former gf was up to. No big deal.
And no big deal for him to try to find out info about the woman at the gym
Your bigger problem:
What's he waiting for? Engaged 3 years???
You need to sit down with him and say "Are we getting married yes or no?" and then take the discussion from there.
What is he waiting for -- the roof to fall in on him?
UGH. Why do you want a guy who is so lackadaisical about YOUR future???
If he doesn't wish to set a date, you do the smart thing and move on. In all honesty this relationship may be over -- and he may not want to say goodbye: he's leaving it up to you to do so so you won't make him look like the bad guy.
I cannot see how you find it acceptable to be left hanging like this.
Nor is it acceptable for you to settle for a guy who doesn't care what YOU want.
Maybe skip the talk and cut your losses and go. If he doesn't care now, he never will.
This is your real issue. You feel like he's really just not that into you, and you're looking for concrete proof.
All of this.
I have to agree that the big problem is the 3 year engagement with no wedding date set, no talk of the wedding, not talk of your future. The other issue is that if you feel the need to spy/snoop it means that deep down you have doubts or don't trust him.
You need to sit down and say, "I've been thinking......we've been engaged for three years now and still haven't set a date....." If you still want to marry him then finish that sentance with a, "I think it's time we get going on things" or if you think he may have changed his mind finish it with a "why is that?" The important thing is that the two of you need to sit down and communicate/discuss what you want. You don't propose unless you are ready to get married (normally) so the whole three years with no discussion of it is odd to me. We couldn't WAIT to say "I do" after getting engaged!
Are you still interested in marrying this guy?
I'd wonder why you are still into him after he's made it clear what you want is not his priority.
Let's face it no one snoops unless they are curious about something not being quite right. I say this because if it was right, you wouldn't have to snoop and hope to not get caught. Also, speaking from someone who did this a few times, snooping always leaves you in bad standings. If you find something and most snoops do, you have to swallow the bitter pill of knowing your little darling is not doing right. If you confront them you expose that you don't trust them ( bad) if you find something, you expose that you can't trust him ( double bad) and you reveal that you don't respect his privacy and operate by a double standard ( triple bad)! So the bitter pill is trying to act as if things are great when you know behind your back he is FOWL!!! You want to confront him but you can't, why, because you stooped low to get the info. Most women let emotion and betrayal eat at their bones so when an argument come up their little private eye secret comes out.
If he tries to explain its only because he is in shock, but if he goes on defense you are left wondering if it is because he was busted doing dirt or because you now aren't trusted by him and he is torn up!
Men have this huge issue about trust, loyalty, truth, and betrayal. They may have ruined all of these things with other women but when they choose a woman they pick 1 that never in a million years would do that to him. Is it a double standard ( absolutely) but is this a common reality (most definitely). From the first moment you find something you will always keep running back to check. Have an argument ( lets check) he tells you a fishy story about why he didn't answer your call ( let's snoop). And then when you realize FB is limited dirt option you will try his phone, pockets, car, and mail all because you now know that he will initiate wrong and still kiss you and act regular the moments after texting and e-mailing " Ms. Old Fling, or Mrs Toned and Torn Marriage". But there is a conclusion ......
Right on point...again!