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DH would like to not deal with anything
I am a hands on lets deal with the issue in the begining before it turns into something bigger type of girl. I didn't used to be that way many many years ago but I have learned that I don't do well to ignore things and to keep them inside because I tend to run away. As I am married now....running away is not really an option.
The problem in a nutshell is that DH does not want to deal with anything and goes into what I call ignore mode with me.
Issues that I might bring up are :
- children...should we try for them, why we have not conceived thus far after NTNP for over 8 years,
- Money: should we have a spending limit, should we do a budget
- Buying a house: where we should live, how much we should spend on the house, how much of a down we will save, what state we will live in ( I am from one state and we are living in the state he is from though we are staying because his family lives here and not because we like the area)
- Cleaning the house: or a least picking up after oneself, contributing to the household.
I might bring up one of those topic and ask for tips or ideas that he thinks might work for him. I am open to suggestions from him I am willing to try almost anything if I thought things would be different.
In most discussions he takes it personal and states i am not going to talk about this. I let him know that I am not upset but that I would like to come up with an agreement on what we can do about it.
He either says ok and promises something that when the time comes he does not follow or he avoids the conversation and focuses on anything ellse that can distract him (the cat, the television, the phone) and will not look at me or converse. I get my feelings hurt because I feel like my feeling don't matter to him and I want to be able to do something but he avoids the topic and we end up in a fight
Re: DH would like to not deal with anything
Did you ever talk about these things before you got married? I know DH and I did, and we wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Have you ever asked him generally where he sees himself in 5 years, 10, etc? He seems really disengaged from your relationship and life together. Would he be open to seeing a counselor? I also wonder if he is depressed.
Either way, it seems like he is keeping you guys at a standstill. You need to find out what is going on here so you can move forward with your life
ALL of this should have been discussed copiously and throughly before you were married --- and a solution satisfactory to you both in regard to all of the issues discussed should have been the goal...before you were married.
How could you marry somebody so lackadaisical and so meh about everything????
NTNP and no pregnancy? Perhaps you should see a doc for a full checkup. So should he. That would be good for a start....and even better fror a start:
DO NOT even consider having kids with this guy until you clear up eveyr single one of these issues and to your satisfaction.
He is also rude, immature, confrontational and just plain childish. AND you and he have a great many communications-based problems: he won't look at you? How the heck can you even put up with that for a second???
Wow....I can't even begin to describe what else is wrong with this entire situation.
What you and he need:
Joint counseling with a marriage counselor
He needs a checkup and counseling, for the immaturity issue and the "he won't look at me" issue; he's got a problem and it needed to be attended to, long before he met you (maybe he has a learning disability or some type of organic problem; I will bet you he is like this with everyone he knows, not just you)
Counseling for YOU -- so that you can find out why you married somebody with so many communication and maturity problems -- and so that you can learn how to take the bull by the horns and make sure that you get what you want, communication wise.
And you need to address these issues you listed and do it now. The horse is out of the barn but they need to be discussed -- and if this uncommunicative nonsenese keeps up, I suggest you look into an annulment.
His behavior is intolerable: he is immature, obtuse and confrontational and his behavior is bordering on the abnormal, what with that "he'll stare at the phone or dog or whatever" --- nobody who is a normal, full grown adult does this.
My xH had a similar problem inasmuch as that he just dropped the ball on every vital issue you could name: his behavior was not like that of your H but he sure dropped the ball: If I wanted something, I had to bring up the subject, otherwise it would remain untouched -- and if I wanted to pursue the issue, I had to run the entire interference on it. Tiresome and bad and who needs a "silent partner"???
I didn't need one and neither do you. Good luck with getting this resolved.
As Tarpon said:
DO NOT even consider having kids with this guy until you clear
up evey single one of these issues and to your satisfaction
Good luck.
Well, I took your advice and attempted to converse with DG again.....would love to say it went well but I can at least say it ended well.
Tried talking to DH and once again got cold shoulder. After I left the house and went for a long drive, I came back and DH wanted to talk.
We talked it out. Hoping that things go forward from here.
Not doubtful. He'll be up to the same old same old before you know it.
BTW -- did you manage to have him look you in the eye for the whole time and discuss the topic like an adult?