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Need geriatric advice
This is a very sensitive topic for me, and I'm not the best at putting things down, so forgive me in advance if I omit details.
My grandfather is 95, lives independently, pretty much, and never intended to live this long. My grandmother died 7 years ago and he's been very alone (she passed 3 months prior to their 70th wedding anniversary), but for the most part he manages well. My mother goes over each Monday and helps him pay bills and go through his mail, which is obscene and he must go through each one.
Last week my aunt, who is visiting him, noticed that he was acting peculiarly. She called her brother and they took Grandaddy to the hospital, he was having a TIA or mini stroke. Since then he has had quite a few. He's not processing things well, his blood pressure becomes way too elevated and then he has a TIA.
Grandaddy has never been an easy man, he's an engineer and will analyze the hell out of anything, but things are worse and he's become verbally abusive to mostly my mother, but also to my aunt and uncle, who are both local. There are two other kids who aren't local.
His doctor who he has seen since Christ rode the mule is just treating his symptoms. I don't feel as though he's doing him any great service, by helping his blood pressure, or giving him something to help with his anxiety, which I feel is the source of his stress. While Grandaddy's father died at 55, his grandparents all lived to their 90's and two into their 100's.
I'm torn as to what I should do. Grandaddy NEVER talks to me the way he talks to his children, I'm named after his wife, and he talks to me more like he talked to her. Which is why I feel I should intervene. It's hard over the phone though, since he is losing some hearing. Because of HIPPA I know his doctor can't talk to me about his care, but do you think he would listen to me about the anxiety? Then he can talk to Grandaddy in whatever way they communicate. I can't just go behind his back though, he needs to know what I'm doing, he MUST feel included. Thoughts? Advice?
Re: Need geriatric advice
First I'm so sorry about your grandfather's health problems. I lived with a my grandfather while his Alzheimer's progressed so I know very well how difficult this is for you.
I don't know if you're willing to take on this much, but can you discuss with him during a lucid moment, perhaps signing over power of attorney to you? This way you'd be authorized to not necessarily make medical decisions on his behalf when he's lucid, but at least be included in the conversations with his doctor. My mom did this and eventually had to make the decisions for him because his disease had progressed so far. She also was on all bank accounts and legal documents from that point forward.
If that's not a possibility, what about being frank with him and telling him your concerns and asking him if you can accompany him to an appointment? If you has his permission, he may feel more respected and likely to do as you ask.
It's a very delicate line to walk, but I think it's amazing that you are so willing to be involved. I've seen first hand when family members bail at the first sign of hard times with the elderly.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I was the one my grandmom was nice to- me and her eldest daughter were the only ones who could get her to do anything. We shared power of attorney.
I don't know if you are local or not. If you are, you can offer to drive him to the doctor and then just go back with him. My grandmother used to kick me out sometimes, but if I went with her I at least had a fighting chance of hearing what hte heck was really going on. If not, I do suggest calling the doctor and telling him what you have picked up on based on your conversations with your grandfather. If he can help manage the source of the blood pressure spikes that would be great. The other thing is- and I may be out of line- there might not be too much more they can do other than manage symptoms. Making him comfortable and functional might be the best course of action depending on his overall health. He should definitely have someone assigned to help manage his care because it can be overwhelming.
As far as the displaced anger, is he experiencing any other mental symptoms? They may be a result of the stroke or they could be just out of annoyance that he isn't functioning at as high of a level as he used to function. It suuuuuuucks but it happens when people's bodies decide to go before their mind.
Wow, what a tough situation to be in. I agree that HIPAA definetly makes things tricky. I would try to call the doctor first. Because of his age, they may be willing to talk to you. Otherwise, perhaps ask your granddad to give the doctor permission to talk to you.
The POA situation is a sore point in many families. Would your mom and her siblings be okay with giving you POA/Healthcare Durable POA if you wanted it? A POA would give you control over all of your granddad's affairs. A Healthcare Durable POA would be restricted to medical decisions only. It also can be a lot of work.
Good luck!
Thanks all, a POA is out of the question, he won't consider it for anyone. He's so almost deathly afraid of people having control of him or his possessions he won't do one, even joint with two of his kids. It's also a bone of contention since he doesn't have a will either, which is going to make his passing a cluster!
I agree that the TIA's are causing him additional stress. This is how I'm going to phrase it to him. That I'm not in his skin, but I talk to him frequently and I have noticed a decline. (He lives in VA) I'm praying that if I approach it from this way he will be more inclined and receptive to my suggestions. I'm also going to write them down and mail them to him, so he doesn't forget as soon as we are off the phone. (which is adding to his stress) Next week if he hasn't contacted his doctor, I will call him.
If Grandaddy gets combative with me, or completely shuts me down or out, I'm going to call the doctor. He must realize that there are lots of people that love him, and want to help. No body cares about his personal business, I don't think. But he MUST realize that he can not abuse his loved ones, at least with the same amount of regularity as is happening now.
I'm sorry you're going through this. A year I so ago I was having issues with my FIL not being honest with the doctor and without needed his permission I was able to call the doctor and give him my take of what was going on. He obviously wouldn't give me any info back, which I was fine with but he listened to me and said he would note his record that I felt he was depressed, not taking Meds, should not be driving etc. in my case it did no good because FIL refused to go to the doctor but you could try that first.
My grandmother had mini strokes and was acting weird. I was living with her and didnt even know what was going on. She just seemed to be getting extra cranky. She ended up having a major stroke which really dibilitated her but she lived a few more years out in a nursing home. I'm just grateful for the extra time we got with her. I did also notice during her care that certain doctors seem to take an "I don't care approach" with the elderly because they feel like its just their time anyway which is so frustrating.
Good luck, I hope you're able to get him help. I'll be thinking if you, I know how hard this can be on a family.