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Unfaithful...... HELP
ok... gonna try to make a lonnnng story short. I really am in need of some serious advice. I have been married for 1 year. In my mind every thing was fine but apparently its not. I am a RN and my husband is a trucker driver.He usually doesnt come home until the weekend. Saturday and Sunday mostly. One night I decided to look through his text messages while he was cutting my sons hair in the guest house and to my SURPRISE I found messages to and from him to differant numbers that turned out to be women. They mostly referred to them meeting up and the messages would end with the woman sayin she made it home, thanks, and she cant wait to do it again when he is in town. I also saw text from a girl that he had claimed to be his best friend and in his text to her he told her that he LOVED her; then she proceeded to ask for a Christmas gift... NOW this really fired me up... I also read 1 from him to his ex offering her sex.....
After reading I was able to hold my composure and not say anything due to the fact that my 6 year son was home and I didnt wanna cause a scene. My heart was beating so fast and hard I thought that I was gonna die!!!! I decided not to say anything until I could investigate more. So the next day once he had gone back on the road I called a couple of the #'s and gathered as much info as possible. I even found out that he had visited one of the women in my truck!!!... The women knew about me, our children, and his job.
I decided to write him a letter telling him about my findings and reminding him of those things that i had advised him before marriage would be unacceptable. I wrote the letter because I was really unsure of what I would say or do if I were to see him. So I left the letter on the counter and when he returned home Friday afternoon he read it and began to text asking was I gonna divorce him and if I wanted him to leave; which i didnt bother to answer.
Once I got home he was gone and sometime during the night he returned back and I found him sleeping on the couch in the den Saturday morning. We didnt say anything at all that day besides small talk. (nothing about the situation.) That night he slept in our bed and I placed a huge pillow between the two of us. On Sunday he did some small talk (nothing about the situation.) So as he hopped into the truck to leave to go on the road I walked out and in tears demanded answers!!! He had no explanation for why he brought his so called friend to our home that he has now professed to love via text to her. He then claims that he has been stressed and that I am always busy and never have time to talk to him while he is driving throught the day. And that on the weekends I go here and there(which isnt at all true) Then he said something about the devil and the internet and how he allowed it to cause him to search for woman to have sex with. Mostly I talked about his son and my son and how he has hurt me and ect.
I am soooooo confused. I have NO one to talk to or ask advice from. I do love him and I love the life we have built BUT i dont wanna be with someone who is unfaithful and willing to put me at risk for thier personal enjoyment.
A couple months after we got married I delivered a stillborn baby and to be honest I felt he may have gotten married to me just because I was prego. We dated off and on for about 3-4 years before we got married. We both are 30 years old
He did say that he loves me and loves to come home to me and my son and even says he loves the life we have built together. I am sooooo LOST!!!
sorry this is soooooo long
HELP!!!!
Re: Unfaithful...... HELP
This is a big big shame. I am sorry for your troubles.
I'll be honest:
No happily married decent man has any business with women other than his wife. He's got no business chatting up other women with the intention of committing adultery.
And a NEWLYWED man has even LESS business than that with other women, period. He should be "into you" and not into whoever else he can find to have sex with!
And apparently he either never ended the relationship with his ex or he has resumed it or he's never gotten over her, even if they have officially broken up or divorced (whichever applies).
Do yourself a gigantic favor:
Show this guy the door and please see an attorney about getting this marriage annulled.
What he is doing constitutes fraud: he does not wish to be in a committed relationship for life.
If you are having money problems, try legal aid. Or call a women's shelter and tell them you need an inexpensive attorney for an annullment.
And perhaps you can DIY if you and he have no jointly held property, no kids, no assets that belong to you both.
You can make a clean break of it, get this sham of a marriage annulled and then chalk this up to experience. What has happened here is NOT your fault: it is his. What a rotten thing to do to somebody who he is married to.
He's balmy and whacky and what kind of bullshit is this:
Then he said something about the devil and the internet and how he allowed it to cause him to search for woman to have sex with. Mostly I talked about his son and my son and how he has hurt me and ect
This also reminds me of that ole Flip Wilson routine where he used to go 'the DEVIL made me do it, HONEY" as Geraldine Jones. Srsly, does he think you are going to buy this "explanation" hook line and sinker???? I think NOT.
Don't listen to him when he lords the blame over on you! This is HIS fault and his mess that he created. He's bullshitting you about "Why" he's with these other chicks.
There is nothing more for you to do: file for an annullment, change the locks and leave his stuff outside. And cease all contact with him, if he is not the biological father of your son. There's nothing more to say and you do not have anything more to do with him.
One more word of advice:
Get tested for every STD that there is. God only knows who he was with and if this sex was even protected with a condom. UGH.
Did you get yourself bereavement counseling for your loss? It might be a good idea if you do -- see a counselor because all of this is going to hit you like a ton of bricks: first the loss of a child and then this mess with the harem that he's got lined up???
Another thing you should do:
Do you know for certain -- and that is if his status is allegedly divorced -- that he is indeed LEGALLY divorced??? Did he show you the actual divorce decree that was signed by the judge and the attorneys for both him and his former spouse?
For all you know, he may be legally married to her still.
i know this sounds crazy -- but it happens. I myself know of a case where that's precisely what happened to a woman who thought she was marrying a guy who was single and legally unwed.:( Turns out his divorce was never final and he was still legally married to the spouse.
Demand the divorce papers and you check on this yourself: call the attorneys for both parties and see the judge that's allegedly listed on the divorce papers.
This is quite the mess. The sooner you are free of this rat, the better off you will be.
And if you get divorced or annulled, you don't have to explain jack squat to anybody. None of their business what happened.
YOu married him under false pretenses. He's a cheater. Thats my take. And I doubt he'll change - he'll just get smarter. SEriously - you will never ever trust him. He has a job that takes him away from you all week - there is NO accountability on his part. As long as he just gets smart about it - he'll still cheat and you'll never know.
Is this really the life you want for yourself and your son?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am so sorry.
You don't have a marriage. This man has no character.
Please see an attorney asap to protect your financial interests and a gynocologist to protect your health.
forward any and all texts to yourself, contact an attorney immediately and make sure you have all bank records etc...
his excuses are crap.
did you also only marry him because you were prego? i mean it takes 2 to make a baby and then 2 to agree to get married.
Of course he loves the life that you've built together.
He's got several girlfriends, in several cities. I bet he loves the life that he's built with all of them too.
You're not lost. You know exactly where you are - married to a pig of a man who is cheating on you with God knows how many different women, and completely unapologetic about it.
Start getting your financial and legal affairs in order and proceed with what you know you need to do.
This exactly.
And sure he loves the life you've "built together" --- you watch his kid full time while he's out there playing Eligible Bachelor! Why the heck wouldn't he love that???
I am still laughing at that bit with oh the devil made me do it.
Haha. He thinks you're going to BUY that line of bullshit??? I sure hope you didn't.
And getting pregnant does not automatically mean you have to marry the biological father of the kiddo. (no offense but you're a nurse and you don't know the consequences of not using birth control??? I guess next time you'll think twice) You could have raised the child yourself instead of marrying the father and went after him for child support.
Next time around, make sure you marry a guy who you have been with solidly for at least 2 or 3 years --- none of this spotty bullshit that you get in an on and off relationship -- and certainly nobody who is away from home for days and days at a time.
And next time around, no more kids until you're in a marriage with good solidity and stability and at least a few years of marriage under your belts. Save your pennies. Get used to being a blended family and give yourselves time to adjust to each other first.
And that your relationship with him was on and off is quite telling. Where's the legs in that relationship that enabled the 2 of you to have a strong partnership and where you actually knew each other throughly??
If you were on and off because you were fighting or he kept dating other women, pretty telling.
What kills me about this is that it is not just one woman -- it's many??? Is he some kind of a psychopath??
One of these doxies asked him for a Christmas present? Then why don't you oblige her...BOOT his ass out the door and make him free and available to HIM!
Merry Christmas and many happy RETURNS...!
I don?t know what?s going on here ? it looks like somebody deleted and you?re *talking to yourself* but here?s my take on all of yur replies
Thanks for your advice... I have contacted a counselor and am in the process of seeking help..he has agreed to attend with me. Also I have an appointment in the morning to see my physician for STD testing. I also advised him that he should do the same. He has been calling me non stop while on the road trucking... attempting to plan family events such as decorating for Christmas and our usual date night... He even offer me a trip to the spa for some R&R (he knows i love the spa) But I haven't agreed to any of it.I have decided to take things one day at a time at my own pace.
Holy Moses. This guy was caught in flagrante delicto with HOW many women ? and he?s acting like this is some little assed thing? Gee whiz...he?s making it up to you by calling you nonstop on the road. Gee, what a wonderful guy he is. And to bribe you ? yes, BRIBE you ? by sending you to a spa.
What exactly is it that you are going to do about this?
He just blew your trust to smithereens and along with that, his marriage and relationship with you. And all he can do is call you nonstop and send you to a spa to patch this up.
I can?t tell you how sad this makes me and how much this disgusts me. You needed to send him packing ? adultery is a deal breaker, like drug use is, like being a drunk is and like abuse of a spouse is. There?s no 2 ways around it.
He needs to go, but of course you know that?s up to you.
You right he will only get SLICKER(if thats a word)...and be slick with his activities. I love him...
There?s nothing here to love.
But I love myself and my son WAYYYYY more..
And if you loved yourself more, you?d have kicked his ass out the door, filed for an annulment and that would have been the end of it.
Thanks for your advice... I have contacted a counselor and am in the process of seeking help..he has agreed to attend with me.
How nice of him. Really.
Also I have an appointment in the morning to see my physician for STD testing. I also advised him that he should do the same.
And what about it? Just for laughs: what did he say?
He has been calling me non stop while on the road trucking... attempting to plan family events such as decorating for Christmas and our usual date night...
So in other words, life goes on. And how fast did you let him back into your pants, might I ask?
He even offer me a trip to the spa for some R&R (he knows i love the spa) But I haven't agreed to any of it.I have decided to take things one day at a time at my own pace.
Great.
To be honest we kinda agreed to get married since I was prego and we were "Shackin" and decided... Why have a baby out of wedlock if we are living and sharing bills together... so u may b right!!! mayb we did do it for that reason
[bangs head on desk] As the minister says, marriage is an institution not to be taken lightly. WOW. You and he needed to discuss, at length, whether or not marriage was right for the BOTH of you and if the both of you planned to make a life long commitment together, no ifs ands or buts.
And you sure didn't mind having the pretty princess day with the big white dress and the big ceremony...to what, a BUM??? That is what he is.
You don?t decide on marriage like you?re deciding what restaurant to eat at that evening, or like the 2 of you want to see a movie so let?s go see what?s up the corner at the local 6 plex!
The 2 of you are hardly KIDS.
Yet that?s what you are both acting LIKE: kids.
The bottom line:
This is a relationship that never should have happened. This is a marriage that never should have taken place; this guy cannot understand what "life long commitment" MEANS. He?s off putting his pokey into just about anything that moves ? and he doesn?t care what the consequences are! "The wife just found my list of text messages...hey, I know! Let me make it up to her by profusely calling her and treating her to a spa trip! That should fix everything! Great!!!" This was his way of handling a conflict. He SUCKS.
For love of all holy ? for your sake ? get rid of this waste of life. He?s a pig and has zero respect for you. He?s only sorry he got caught. Eff his spa trip and eff his endless calls ? I guarantee you that he won?t give up his harem. Even if he ditches this bunch of doxies, he?s got another bunch lined up waiting for him ? it?s as easy as hitting up Craigslist and seeing what goodies are up for grabs.
Get rid of him and do it today. This is going to be a fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me thing. I guarantee you. He?ll do it again because once a cheater always a cheater.
And you?re not even insulted that his ex is still in the picture. WHY?
You need to get rid of him now -- I don't know how old your son is but the longer this bum is in the picture, the longer your son will be exposed to a household environment where Daddy walks all over Mommy.
Is this the kind of relationship you want him seeing? is this the kind of thing you want him to emulate: somebody who walks all over a wife? Do you want him growing up with the permission that is is FINE to have a complete and total lack of respect for a mate?
that's what will happen if you keep this bum around. This atmosphere will harm your son irreparably.
I am sooooooooooooo sorry you have dealing with this! Like pretty much everyone said, you are dealing with a cheater who will NEVER change. Do yourself and your son a favor and drop the jerk ASAP!.
This is so far unacceptable it should be punishable with federal jail time...
Please get out of this "marriage" for you sanity, it will drive you crazy everytime he gets in his truck and leaves to go see God knows who...
My mother stayed with my cheating ass father for 16yrs and I saw the toll it took on her, you don't want your son to have a front row ticket to that show, trust me.
You have all the evidence you need to head for the hills with your son in tow, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him. That is NOT the example of a man and husband he needs in his life, and more to the point, YOU don't need that in your life as well. I will definitely be praying for you, run girl run!
Uh, I think you know what to do. And you ain't done squat.
you got great advice from all of us. but you are choosing not to take it.
There was also no need to post on every board the Nest has. One would have sufficed.
Speak plain and simple ENGLISH!!!
As I said, your English is tough to get through -- and you've had training as a nurse? Hard to believe.
It's tough when you crosspost on every board. Also the replies you get will be difficult to keep track of; 10 people could reply on one board and 5 others in another -- see where this is going?
Anybody who has been there will tell you to get rid of the culprit. THere are no 2 ways about it.
And do it now --- the 2 little guys have bonded and this is going to be very rough for them. Make a clean and complete break of it.
And find an age appropriate way of explaining to your son what happened to your soon to be ex H. Make sure you stress that it was not his fault --- kids are funny that way. Tell him that he did not behave the way a husband and daddy is supposed to so you and your stbxH decided to go your separate ways.
And find a way to explain that your son won't be seeing this culprit again.