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Sensitive Christmas? (long)
Hi All, some of you will remember me posting a few weeks ago about the family across the street from DH and I. For new readers and quick back story...
We moved into this neighborhood from out of town in June. The family across the street lost their 22 year old daughter at the end of October. She took her life in their garage. Our house, and the neighboring ones, make up the "tight knit" part of the neighborhood. I had asked some questions back in October here on FM about what DH and I should do regarding her visitation and funeral since we hardly know the family, but are their new neighbors and will be around for months and years to come. We have taken over some meals. Thanks for the advice, BTW.
Over the recent weeks we have come to know the couple across the street who lost their daughter a little better. They share a strong faith - the same one as DH and I, and have been out and about and also ministering to lots of folks around here despite their own sorrow. It's amazing to watch - that's another story.
Anyway, even before this tragedy occurred, I had been contemplating hosting a small, intimate Christmas Cookie Party at my house in mid-December. DH and I would invite 5 couples, including the one that lost their daughter, to the party. It would be about 2 hours, casual, maybe have some Christmas Bingo, seasonal beverages, and the cookies, of course. The group is pretty social, from what we can tell and they already know one another. They also have reached out to us to get to know us better, so it wouldn't be odd or out of place socially if we did this. Also, several of the couples, including this one, have said that they want to get to know us better.
Here's the question. Is it too soon to have a Christmas party? I see it from both angles. On one hand, we can't hide in our homes due to this tragedy and I think the couple would welcome some reason to be social. On the other hand, Christmas is a tough time, especially with this loss being so recent. Is it time to be all merry and jolly? DH and I did agree that if they didn't want to come, they could just not come, but at least they would have been invited and would know we were thinking of them.
So, should we have the party? What would you do?
Re: Sensitive Christmas? (long)
Hoping they take you up on the offer.GL.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I think that you should invite them and just like you said, they can decline if they want.
When I lost my parents, I didn't want people all quiet and sad around me. I wanted to remain active to keep my mind off of it.
TTC since September 2012
Can I ask an honest question? You seem very ...hung up... on this couple. You posted wondering if it was too soon to open up your curtains (because you lived across the street and you wanted to give them privacy), then you asked if it was too soon for the kids to play outside (their happiness might upset the couple) and now you're asking if it's too soon to throw a Christmas party. I get being sensitive to their plight but you're taking this all a few steps further than seems reasonable.
Have a Christmas party. Invite them to join. Stop seeing everything you do as an affront to their grieving. Life does go on. You can be sympathetic and shoulder to cry on if they ask for it, but until then - just live.
I think that inviting them to a low-key Christmas party is exactly the thing to do. Of course they can say no, or that they have other plans, or not this year- and they might, for reasons that could be entirely different or more complicated than that they're grieving for their daughter.
I also think that it's wonderful you're being so sensitive and thoughtful to your neighbors' pain- a lot of times grief is hard to talk about and frequently people simply avoid it. When I lost my grandfather last year, the initial time- before the funeral and the day after we drove home from the service- was the time when I was very numb and other people more or less directed my grief. They came by with food, or called to ask how I was doing with everything, or told me where to stand and prayed with me at the service. And when I was numb, I needed that- I couldn't really feel anything yet and I needed people to direct my grief because I felt so lost. And then, one day, I wasn't- I stopped being numb and started deciding to go out for coffee or to go back to work or to ask a friend to lunch.
And this is what's really important- from that point on, *I* needed to direct my grief. I knew where people were coming from when they said things like, "Are you sure you're ready to do that?" or suggested ways I could honor my grandfather on different milestones and so on- but in a way, I felt like they were sending me back to that place where I was so numb and lost and needed to be walked through how to grieve. You know what I mean? I think if your neighbors are already reaching out and ministering to others, they're already at the point where they need to direct their own grief. So going forward, I think you should continue to think of them and understand that their lives have changed and they're dealing with a lot- but live life as you would otherwise and leave it to them to decide what they feel up to or what they need.
Sorry that was long- hope it helped
I think that you're being more than considerate of their feelings, but you can't live your life tip-toeing around these neighbors. Life goes on. They're going to have good days and not so good days, but I'm pretty sure that anyone who is grieving will tell you that they don't want their pain to stop you from living your daily life. Invite them to the party. Let them come if they want to. Let it be a joyful event. If they don't want to come, don't make a big deal about it. The first holiday without a loved one is tough and they may not feel like putting on their happy face and that is fine too - but at least you made the offer.
I think that you've made it pretty clear to them that you're available to listen to them if they need to talk, that you're willing to lend a hand if things are overwhelming, etc. and that is fantastic - but at some point you have to treat them like regular neighbors and not just as someone mourning a loss.
Have the Christmas Party. Invite them and if they come they come. They may appreciate the distraction. If they don't come they would appreciate the invitation.
I do have to agree that you need to stop being hyper sensitive about their feelings. You have been a great neighbor and will continue to be so. Live your life normally and stop worrying if you are going to upset them if your kid plays in the yard or your curtain is left open.
i would absolutely throw the party and invite them! while everyone is still reeling fromt he loss there's no reason to not try and enjoy the holidays for the whole neighborhood. if htey want to join you they will-and it might be a great night for them to socialize a bit. it's nice of you to think of them and especially to take into consideration their situation. you're a nice neighbor
i think, if they dont come, and you still want to let them know that you're thinking about them, bring over a tin of cookies or something.
just a sidenote. a close friend of mine killed himself in july. his best friend planned on gettng married in key west 2 months later. the groom asked his mom if she'd like to go in his place and she accepted and had a wonderful time. it was a happy occasion (like your holiday party would be). it really lifted her spirits a bit. so dont be afraid to invite the neighbors-it might be exactly what they need for a night.
Thanks all for the helpful words and the encouragement. I really appreciate it.
We will pick a date and get our invites printed!
To the PP who asked why I was so "hung up" on this whole thing...My answer is that one can never be too sensitive to a family's needs and feelings after a loss and especially after one so horrible as this. DH and I are not "hung up" in that we are prone to inaction for fear of doing something wrong. If we're "hung up" it's on wanting to be doing things correctly and in not progressing until we have a clear path to take. There is never anything wrong in determining steps prior to taking them, with thoughtful discernment; the error is in barging ahead with poor insight.
Anyway, thanks to all here. I will try and keep you posted.