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Christmas trouble
disclaimer: long vent!
My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and have been together for the last 10. We living in california but are both from out of state originally, my husband is from alaska. Christmas is a big deal in his family and important in mine as well. Every year since college my husband and all his brother fly back to alaska for christmas and all swear they would never miss a christmas with their family. I have went up there twice for the holiday since we have been married but this year my brother and I have finally planned to go to my parents house for christmas for the first time in 5 years! I haven't seen my brother in 3 years and my husband has only met them the day of our wedding. my husband was talking about coming with me and going to see his mom before christmas, until last night he said bc his work project doesn't end until the 21st that he is just going to alaska. (we were just there in august)
I am super hurt that he doesnt want to come spend christmas with me and that he doesn't even care to get to know my family at all. (he is only come to see my family for 3 days since we got married, and my parents think he doest like them) I am also embarrassed to be coming home solo, I am almost afraid I will get sat at the kids table. I dont know how to explain to him how I feel about it because I am afraid he will be like "fine i will go with you if it is that big of a deal" and then resent me the whole time he is there.
any suggestions how to approach the subject with out being accusatory? It makes it hard too because his family has no concept that we shouldn't spend christmas there every year. I have tried to explain to his brothers that I am not an orphan and it isnt really fair not share their brother on the holidays. His family is truly very nice, so i am not angry with them, they love having me there as well. they just dont get it.
Re: Christmas trouble
which date are you flying to see your family? perhaps he'd be more comfortable if you fly in together since he doesn't know them.
also i'd just flat out ask him why he doesn't want to go to your family and, more importantly, be with you, on the holiday.
Some type of compromise is needed and the both of you need to come to an agreement where Christmas will be celebrated and who will be there.
I suggest you and he host it at your home and invite your families and whoever else you think should be there. Whoever comes comes; it isn't the quantity of guests that attends, it's the quality of the guests that attend.
Together for nearly 8 years before you were wed and he never met your family? Why is that?
Even if it is "distance" that is a factor, there is also email, the phone, snail mail and skype. He can still keep in touch with them that way.
This year's "done" as far as Christmas goes --- it sucks that you won't be together (if you opt to not go with him) --- go see your family if you want. And no, you will not be seated at the kids' table.:)
NO explanation is needed. If anybody asks go "I chose to come here and he is in Alaska". They should be fine with that.
And you and he need to sit down and come to a comromise for next holiday. If he won't do it, or if he refuses, bad indeed -- my xH was the same way: every holiday "had" to be with his family; mine kept getting lost in the mix. Don't ask what our last T-Day together was like.:(
I do think it is concerning that he makes no effort to get to know your family. How would he feel if the tables were turned? The reality of marriage is that you are a family now and you have to decide on plans together and make compromises. Sometimes that means he doesn't get to see his family on Christmas. Your family is important too, he doesn't get to use some family vow he made before you were married as an excuse.
Yea, I?m actually curious about this one myself. It seems a little strange that OP's H is would spend a big holiday like this without his wife, go spend it with his family, and is perfectly fine doing so without his wife. Who does this? Seems a bit selfish for him to expect that they spend every Christmas with his family and not hers. If it his family pressuring him and making him feel guilty, then he needs to put his foot down. But does not seem the case here.....OP - I would not be ok with this and think you need to have a little chat with your H.
Holidays are hard, especially when you don't see your family so often. But I would never ever dream of intentionally spending a major holiday without my H and vice versa. I go through similar thing every Thanksgiving - my H & I have spent every Thanksgiving with my family for the last 3 years, but in fairness, both my mother & I share the same birthday and it usually falls either on or the week of Thanksgiving. I see my family maybe twice a year, if I am lucky. Sometimes I feel guilty that we've been with my family every year for this holiday, but his family celebrates all the other holidays twice (dead serious), and his mother expects us to be there for every single one (zzz). She actually tried getting us to stay for Thanksgiving this year, saying 'well your birthday falls on Monday AFTER Thanksgiving', but I flat out told her no, we were going away. Love how she was hawking the calendar though to see which day my birthday fell on this year. LOL
We decided that next year, we will be hosting at our house
Why didn't you push this YEARS ago?
I fully agree that his perspective does need to change. YOU need to be first, not his family. And the two of you need to work something out that works for both of you. I get it that his family is important, but he needs to realize yours is too.
BUT - still. Why haven't you pushed this before now? He's had 10 years to learn "Eh, my attitude is fine, DW goes along with it".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Two thoughts:
First, I am one of those people who practically has a panic attack at the thought of not getting to spend Christmas with my family. I am lucky in that DH would prefer it that way, too. That said, I do realize a day will come when that will not be feasible. And, if DH told me it was really important that we switch it up this year and go to his family's, I would do it. It is the least I could do for him. He'd need to be understanding that I'd be a little homesick, but I am sure it would be okay. So, while I completely emphasize with your DH about wanting to spend xmas with his family, he does need to realize that your feelings are very important and compromise is vital in marriage. I don't know that this is feasible, but would it be possible to spend xmas at your family's and then fly out the next day (or soon thereafter) and have a second celebration with his?
Second, my brother and his BF are a wonderful, loving couple (they live together and are in this for the long haul), but they don't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together. I find this to be really weird, but it works very well for them. Each wants to spend those holidays with their families (who live in different states). They figure, they spend 363 days/year together and those 2 days can be about their immediate families. While I would never do that, it works for them and goes to show that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to things. So, if you are generally okay with spending holidays apart, that's fine... but it sounds like this time you aren't and he needs to put you first.