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Venting, but also need advice for getting closer to in-laws?
So, I've known my boyfriend (and his family) for two years, we've been dating for a year now, and we've been living together for 6 months. During this time I've been trying to get closer to his family, but there have been factors that put me off from being fully open to them.
For example, I had a terrible, somewhat traumatizing experience with my ex's family that makes it hard for me to open my mind to getting close to a new family again. Also, he was dating a girl for almost 5 years (his high school girlfriend) before he dated me and his family was very close to her/unhappy when he broke up with her. I felt like when he started dating me a few months later that their hearts were not open to me because they were still hoping he would get back together with her.
Other than that, we get along fine when we go out for dinner or spend an afternoon together. Since we moved in together, I can tell they are trying to be more welcoming to me, probably because they can tell his son is very serious about me. However, the aforementioned things have made me feel distant from them. I still feel like we don't know each other very well.
At this point my boyfriend and I are very seriously discussing getting engaged within the next couple of months. Because they're likely going to become my in-laws, I'd like to start getting close to them, especially because he is very close to them.
Any advice for me? I'd love to hear some feedback, even if it's just a simple, "I can relate!" 
Re: Venting, but also need advice for getting closer to in-laws?
some ideas...are you close with your mom/parents, are they local. I didn't have a hard time getting to know my inlaws but I notice that when we get our parents together, they get along quite well (and they don't have that history). So maybe you could do something with the mom's and your mom can help you out.
I would try doing things with them in small doses...so don't go on a vacation but maybe go to a movie or bowling or things with a time limit. Start/end/plan the next one and build momemtum.
Honestly, maybe they are afraid to get close to you because of whatever happened with the last girlfriend...I mean, 5 years is a long time and it might be hard for them to open up to someone new after their son was with this other girl for so long. My parents kind of are going through a similar thing with my brother right now. He dated this girl for 3 years during and after high school - they broke up and I know my parents were sad about it because she had become part of the family. In the end, they were both young, and also, my brother's happiness is the most important thing, but I think if he starts dating someone new, it might take a little while for them to warm up to that person. Not because they don't like them, but because it would suck to get close to another person if there's any chance that person won't be around for too long.
Your situation is slightly different because you are talking marriage here, but just put yourself in their shoes. I think what PP suggested is good....make some plans with them, but do so in small doses....and don't force it. Give it some time and eventually they'll come around. GL
What do you mean buy "Getting Closer"?
I'm also wondering what you mean by "getting closer".
Whatever this means to you, if it happens and you're happy, that' sgreat.
But something else to keep in mind too - just because you're with your BF and looking towards marriage, that doesn't mean you have to be BFF's w/ his family. You don't have to be super close to them in order to like them and get along. You can keep your distance if you want, but yet still be welcoming and enjoy your time w/ them.
However, again, what you mean by getting closer plays a role in this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you all get along during dinner, other events and have civil conversations you are doing really good. Don't push it. Continue to be friendly and honest with them. Keep those lines of communication open and invite them to dinner, a play, etc. like pp said.
When my H and I first started dating I made sure we did family dinners with his family. Once we got our own place and moved in together I went out of my way to invite them over for dinner, invitation came from me not H, or ask them if they would like to join us out for dinner too. They appreciated this bc my BIL never invited them out to dinner or to his house and his wife made no attempt at doing anything with them.
After 5 years together I am very close with my in laws. I will say it takes time. They are getting to know you as much as you are getting to know them.
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
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Thanks for all of your advice/experience so far, ladies! You're helping me a great deal already and I'm so grateful!
Allow me to be more specific about "getting closer." My boyfriend is extremely close to his parents, and by that I mean he talks to them every day and tries to make trips to stay with them (2 hours away) for the weekend at least once a month. Also, they usually come up to our house or we'll meet them halfway for dinner once a week. This is so foreign to me because no one I have ever dated has ever been this close to/involved with their family. I don't even see/talk to my parents as much as he does and my parents live 5 minutes away from us!
Also, it's worth mentioning that I'm an only child and I come from a divorced family, so siblings and family time are new to me. The two of us have just grown up very, very differently.
It's been a huge adjustment for the both of us and this has been the subject of several long conversations about expectations and prioritizing and needs. He's been respectful of my need for space and setting boundaries with what he tells his parents (by that I mean he tells them little about the details of our relationship), but now that we are discussing marriage he wants me to spend more time with them. Specifically he says he wants me to make more trips with him to his parent's house, and I want to because I understand that it's important to him, but I'm just really dreading it! I've only stayed at their house twice. Both times it was early in our relationship and I ended up having a bad time because I felt so uncomfortable being there.
Trust me, if it were enough to just be friendly and cordial and I only had to see them occasionally, I would have no complaints. But his family is like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Lots of family togetherness and lots of time spent together. As I said, it's SO different from what I grew up with. I am fiercely independent and protective of my time with everyone, parents included.
Wow that is close. You may never be close to his parents like he is. Going to visit overnight once a month isn't bad. H and I did that for our families for a while. After a few years it got old always making the long trip. We have invited our families to come stay with us.
Talk to him about cutting back on going to see them. Even if he goes alone to visit on occasion. Or maybe make plans when your out of town to do something just the two of you so it isn't family time 24/7. You could also suggest doing an activity or game with his family that you enjoy. You will eventually find a good balance and feel more comfortable.
To get really close learn family recipes and/or cook with his mom, if she likes to cook.
Both times it was early in our relationship and I ended up having a bad time because I felt so uncomfortable being there.
Why did you feel uncomfortable? Were they rude? Are you always uncomfortable in new surroundings? Did you feel left out of the closeness?
I agree with pp that a lot of closeness just takes time. As long as you don't try and force something that isn't there, and you are open and friendly then you'll all get to know each other in time.
Could you talk to your BF about ways he could help you feel more comfortable staying at his parents. eg. maybe you need to ensure you have some alone time even if that just means it's ok for you to go for a walk by yourself.
I hate helping myself to food in someone elses home unless I know them really well. So no matter how much they say, "oh just help yourself to anything" I will starve before I just make free in their kitchen. That doesn't mean I expect them to wait on me, but I need them to be more specific, eg. "There's bread and ham in the fridge if you'd like to make yourself some lunch."
So DH learnt to make the first move with food at his Mum's so that I felt comfortable to join in, rather than me having to be the first one to just go and open the fridge because I was starving.
If you work out what will make you more comfortable at your in-laws in the first instance, then in time I'm sure it will get easier and easier.
the way I see it is this: a year really isn't all that long to be honest. it may have taken them half of that to realize tat he was really serious about you. dont try to push close. he's close with them, go with him to dinner, make it a point to find out things about them-ask them questions, find things in common, be open to discussion. forget your ex's family-it's not them and letting that get in the way of your relationship with them is silly.
we've all had terrible experiences in life but move past them. i also wouldn't call them inlaws until you're married. jsut saying.
you're not engaged, just talking about something that may happen months from now. it seems like you're trying to push everything ahead to me.
you cannot force getting closer to people-it will seem fake if you try. but you can call them right? ask how they're doing? make dinner plans? invite them to your house? stay over? but closeness comes with TIME and you haven't been around for very long for that to happen.
Wow, that is really a lot of togetherness, and it sounds like you've done really well with them. Are you okay with spending that much time together? If so, yahtzee, but if not...I'd seriously consider what you consider reasonable and set some firm boundaries now. It can quickly become overwhelming. Think about if you have kids, their expectations for time together may go up.
What was it that made you uncomfortable staying with them?
Thank you, ladies! You have been so kind and helpful!
The bottom line is that my boundaries have been pushed since we started dating (which is in some ways a good thing) and I'm having to re-examine my feelings about family time and togetherness. We have agreed that I don't need to go see his family every time he goes and he recognizes that I've been trying to get to know them when I do see them, so that's helped immensely.
I was really just looking for some tips to get closer to family and start feeling more comfortable talking to them. The advice about inviting them to dinner and finding common ground in conversation has really helped.
Also, hearing that this stuff takes time and I'm not just being anxious for no reason is helpful too. I think the biggest thing that helps is reminding me to be patient with myself and my in-laws, and I've heard that in many of your posts.
I agree that it just takes time. Close-knit families kind of freak me out too because I'm just not used to it! DW's fathers side of the family is a big, happy close-knit family and it is overwhelming. We don't live near them so it's not really relevant, but her and her dad have a VERY close relationship (they talk daily, she gets his second [or third, really] opinion on everything, he likes to "help" us all the time [like he spent hours online researching mattress brands when we decided to buy a new mattress], etc) and that's a relationship that is toootally foreign to me as I never even had a relationship with a parent other than my mother, and while she's very involved with our life she doesn't consume herself with every detail.
DW has always been kind-of shy with my family and it took her a long time to let her guard down and be herself. It took time, like everything else. Eventually you get to know eachother and find common ground, mutual interests, make memories together. Now we're married and to her the family bond has solidified, she feels her place within my little family. I agree that a year is kind of a short amount of time in relation to a five year previous relationship. Maybe they are waiting to see where your relationship will go, how deeply invested the two of you are. It's a strong possibility that when/if you get engaged the dynamic of your relationship with your future IL's will change. They'll understand that you're not going anywhere and it might make them feel more receptive to bonding with you. For now, don't panic! :-)