Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should I be a part of my Nephew's Life?
Hello,
I am in need of some advice. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law and I are not on speaking terms. I chose to cut ties because of hurtful things they have said or done. It's not that they don't like me, I believe they are simply jealous and unfortunately putting me down is how they handle it. We have made amends several times, only for me to be hurt again a few months later and I have finally decided enough is enough.
They will be having a baby boy soon and I honestly want to not have any interaction with any of them, but sort of feel an obligation to, as the nephew has done no wrong. Also, my husband is on the fence about whether he will be a part of the boys life (it is his brother that is having the baby). I would never want my nephew to feel that his aunt does not care about him.
I really do not want anything to do to them and the thought of having to interact with them makes me sick...but do these circumstances change things? Should I be an aunt at a distance? Do amends need to be made? Would it be ok not to be a part of this child's life?
Any advice is appreciated and thank you in advance!
Also, we live far from each other so it would only be on life changing occassions that we would see each other.
Re: Should I be a part of my Nephew's Life?
This is tough for you. Sometimes the only way you can handle toxic people is to cut them out of your life.
Really its up to the kids parents as to if you are in thier lives. At this point (not on speaking terms with the parents) I would say its not your place to all the sudden show lots of interest in thier child...thats kinda disrespectful to the parents don't you think ("Hey I wanna come and see your kid, but don't wanna see you!" I wouldn't be cool with that if I was the kids mom).
Having said that I think TM had good advice of sending things...send a congrats card and possible a small gift, send a first b-day card/first christmas ornament ect...those things often get saved and the child will know they were loved by the extended family if they can look back one day and see that things were sent over the years. Thats all you can really do.
Because of wierd circumstances I didn't meet or even know of my nephew until he was 3 months old, when I found out I had a nephew I sent a stuffed monkey with a book, not knowing if it would be kept or even given to him, he went into foster care soon after....when I got custody of him at 9 months one of the few belongings he came with was the monkey...so showing you care this way rather then trying to but into thier lives..might actually be a healthy way to start building bridges with the parents so that you can be in the kids life down the road.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
To follow on toothpaste - you have to be realistic. If you don't have a good relationship w/ your SIL and BIL, realistically, you're not going to be close to their child. And it's really THEIR choice when it comes down to it.
However, this isn't "all or none". You can be civil to them when you see them, you can do things like send your nephew cards and presents, etc, without being "super close" to him.
Quite honestly, I find it a bit disingenuous to try and now be close to them and put all your issues aside just so you can be close to their son. No, he hasn't done anything wrong, but this goes back to the fact that your relationship w/ his parents IS going to have a large role in the kind of relationship you have with him. And it just strikes me as very fake to try and now pretend you're close to them just because they are now going to be parents.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Really, it's up to the parents whether or not you have a relationship with their child.
What "life changing" occasions are you talking about? A baby shower? Their child's christening? If you are invited (or not), you know where you stand. If it's a function for the ILS, then just put on your big girl / big boy pants and speak with your SIL/BIL and be polite, but don't interact with them more than necessary.
Has your H spoken to his brother about what is or is not acceptible behavior? Hopefully he is not speaking to him either. If you are invited to see the baby, etc., then it is an opportunity for your H to say "look, you are my brother and I care about you, but I can't have a relationship with you or your family unless you stop putting down my wife. You and SIL need to decide what you want, because we have gone through this many times and I think it's healthier for your child to not have relatives come and go from his life."
Also, FWIW, I always raise an eyebrow when someone posts "such and such is jealous of me....."