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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Help! Family friend trashed me behind my back... Now what?
At my sister's recent wedding my husband overheard and informed me that the groomsmen were making critical coments about my appearance (I recently gained 20lbs after having sugury to remove cancer). I was incredibly horrified and hurt and had to use all of my strength to stay composed and get through my sister's wedding day... Now, I'm being invited to more events where these groomsmen will be in attendance and I feel like I can't face them. Nor do I want to. My sister knows what happened but still expects me to socialize with these people who have disrespected me. What should I do?
Re: Help! Family friend trashed me behind my back... Now what?
All of this.
They are definitely shallow and heartless, so it's better that you found out sooner than later anyway. I'm sorry they made those types of comments. They suck. Congrats on getting the cancer removed!!
that's a shitty thing to do
but why would you not go someplace just because they'll be there? who cares? you're going to miss out on fun because of one person? no way.
I would not be able to socialize with these people and you should feel no obligation to socialize with them. ESPECIALLY since you had cancer! How incredibly rude for them to think it is acceptable to speak poorly of anyone who went through something like you did.
Stand your ground and if it helps confront them.
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
Thank you for your kind words and thoughful advice.
I wish I could take the high road... but the thought of facing them makes me so anxious because I have a really tough time hiding my feelings (and cry at everything).
Plus, they don't know my health situation so it's not like they'd even go to extra mile to be sensitive or anything.
I've considered just telling me sister I don't WANT to face them and that I won't be attending her Christmas party (it's that circle of friends so I won't be missing out on anyone I personally want to see)... But she'll just say I need to toughen up or something.
I really wish I didn't care so much but it really makes me really upset (still, two months later)... If it were 1 jerk I could deal with it - but because it's my brother-in-law's main group of guy friends that (they socialize with)... it seems so humiliating.
Anyway, I appreciate the advice very much. Thank you.
I do agree- don't give this guy too much power. If there is an event you want to go to and he's the only reason you hesitate, then go. Do NOT let him have that power to keep you from seeing other people you like and want to spend time with.
But for events that maybe you really don't care all that much about attending (which it sounds like is the case w/your sisters party), then don't go!
As for your sister - don't go into the real issue with her. Don't make it about him. To a degree, that's not fair to her. You're putting her in a spot where she basically has to choose between this guy and you. Don't do that to her.
Just tell her you have plans, or if necessary, that day "come down w/ something". I realize it's not nice to lie, but if she's going to give you the 3rd degree/ try to make you feel guilty, eh.... just beg off at the last minute.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB. If this is something you want to go to, then don't let these men's thoughtless comments stop you from having a good time. But, if it's not something you really want to go to anyway, then don't go. there is no reason for you to have to worry about these guys.
First off congratulations on surviving cancer.
Is this an informal event? One where you can just say you will show up if your feeling ok/ up to it? I think you should at least make an appearance to make your sister happy. Showing up will also show you and others that their words don't control you. I know it is hard to be around people like that.
If this happened to me I would go. I know I would be just as upset as you. I would start a polite conversation with them and casually mention, at the proper moment, how I survived cancer. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you had a bad cold. I hate being sick. Having cancer this past year was rough." That's just me and I would probably be close to crying with a shaky voice while I said it.
If you really don't want to go because you aren't interested in the party then don't go.
This exactly.
When I first read this I'm like why would her husband tell her and further more, why didn't the husband take up for her?
TTC since September 2012
Why, in the name of all that is holy, did your husband share this with you? He could have and should have said something to them then and there. But he didn't, he decided to share with and upset you.
He's as bad as the morons who don't think you're hot anymore.
Like other posters have mentioned, I can't believe your husband even told you! Anyway, I think if you're really bothered by it still then perhaps you should skip social functions with these individuals until you can let it go. Look, in your shoes I can understand feeling pretty sensitive about the issue. You were battling cancer, and the groomsmen clearly have no respect for women in general. I think it's disgusting and I don't blame you for wanting to decline an invite just to avoid them.
What I do think is odd is your sisters lack of compassion in regards to your feelings. Perhaps she could have let the groomsmen know that you did hear the unkind things being said about you, and then maybe any ounce of humanity within these fools would guide them to do the right thing and apologize to you. Because in the end, grown men criticizing a woman's appearance in *any* capacity is already pretty crass; what can be said for those who are mocking a cancer survivor? Maybe these little boys missed that particular day in kindergarten where everybody else learned that you should treat others the way that you would like to be treated.
I know this doesn't quite relate to your question, but I just want to say that I hope you're able to let it go soon and you don't let insignificant men like this devalue you in ANY way... Your body went through the trauma of not only surgery, but cancer - if you gain a few pounds then so be it, it's a should be a small price to pay for the proper healing of your body. Anyone who thinks otherwise can take a flying leap. You are a survivor, and there is nothing more beautiful than that!
All of this^^^ I agree 100%. I am sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis, but congratulations on a successful surgery. The only thing I would add is that at all times, but especially in a time like this, you need to surround yourself with people who are going to be gentle and compassionate. It does not sound like your sister or her groomsmen are those people.
Agree with these thoughts!
You need to put yourself first at this time.