Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feel like my husband loves me and hates me at the same time
My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years but married for 1.5 years. When we moved in together I had to quit my job because it was too far away and I never found another one. I didn't find one until a year after we had been married. I tired so hard everyday and he just didn't get it. On our one year anniversary we had the biggest fight ever over the fact that I was gone for 2 days and when I got back he didn't seem like he missed me. That opened a huge can of worms about how he's not happy with me not having a job and how I was depressed from be away from my family and how I wanted a baby and how I didn't like who I was. Needless to say, I was in a rut. Finally got a Job the next month and three months later I got really sick and missed a month of work. He blew up at me again for not being in work and how I don't take it seriously. And I never want to go out late at night because I'm always sick and tired. Which isn't true. We're going to counseling on Wednesday for the first time. I'm just so scared because we were so close and now I barely get any attention from him. I get a peck on the lips and a hug everyday and that's about it. I don't know what to do.
Re: Feel like my husband loves me and hates me at the same time
Just trying to think about your husband's position here -
Are finances tight? You were out of work for a year, were there absolutely no jobs available? Even just low wage temporary gigs to help out? Or were you aiming for the perfect job when perhaps you should have settled on something that paid the bills in the meantime while you still looked? Then you did get a job but were sick and away from it for an entire month? I'm assuming you weren't paid for that month, did that hurt your finances a lot?
I don't know, not knowing too much background I'd be frustrated if my husband were out of work for a year, then got a job, then missed a month of work (do you have a chronic illness?)
It seems that you are relying on him too much? You are dependent on him financially, did you move into his house as well? You are away from your family, do you have friends locally? Or are you dependent on him as your social outlet as well? You are depressed and want a baby and don't like who you are - it sounds like you are putting A LOT of pressure on your husband, and your 2 days away may have been a nice bit of space for him, and then you picked an epic pressure dumping fight with him when you got back.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This is very sad. Sorry for your troubles.
It happens: people move away or they are in a position (due to distance or some other circumstance) where they no longer are able to keep their full time job.
Somebody I know moved and the commute would cost her a small fortune --- there was a half hour's drive time to a ferry and the ferry to New York cost $25 each way. It was take that route or drive an hour and a half to a commuter lot, get on a NYC bus and then commute for another 45 minutes into the city.
She wound up being a sahm. It worked for her.
You need to sit down with him --- no interruptions -- and talk about what's going on and do so at length. He's got a problem understanding what's happening -- he's acting lije you sit around and do nothing all day or refused to find a job.
He has no right to treat you like you're a common piece of trash; what happened to respect for your spouse? I see none here from him.
I don't like this entire viewpoint of his --- wow, suppose you got sick or something happened where you could no longer work, period -- what then?
How about these 3 scenarios:
Suppose you had a devestating chronic disease, like MS or ALS, or got cancer or something else -- and you were no longer able to work?
Suppose you had a child and something happened and you had to dedicate yourself to being a sahm, making you no longer able to hold down a full time job? Suppose you simply wish to be a stay at home mom and not have a full time job anymore?
Suppose you were not able to find a job at all -- suppose the field you are in becomes a dead one or every single job in it is outsourced or offshored --- let's use that scenario: what happens then, while you are trying to find another type of field to work in, or you're taking time out for job retraining and you are not able to work at all?
I'd wonder if this character you married would even stick around!
And suppose you became very long term unemployed: that is what is happening to many many Americans: suppose that happened? Would he even stick around???
And he blew up at you? who the eff does he think he is talking to -- a wayward child? UGH. He needs to cut that bullshit out and stat.
I am getting the idea that he thinks you are seeing him as a handy dandy meal ticket so that "you do not have to work." I don't like that at all -- it reeks of cruelty and wow, it's almost controlling and abusive in nature.
I think counseling for the both of you would be a good idea --- he's got some kind of misconception about you and your job and he needs to have that nipped in the bud asap.
And if he keeps up this kind of maltreatment of you, rethink him in a flash. GL.
ETA: the horse is out of the barn here but when you guys got engaged, did you discuss the topic of jobs, employment, unemployment and income?
Did you throughly discuss the possiblilty that if one or the both of you lost your full time job, what would happen? Did you and he hve a Plan B just in case?
If you did and now he's pulling this kind of garbage, he's now gotten the dubious distinction of not upholding something he more or less promised you.
If you didn't discuss it prior to marriage, not a good sign. YOu need to discuss everything before you are wed --- and IMO, need to discuss it and have solutions satisfactory to the both of you before you even decide on a wedding date. Better yet, when things are getting serious and the 2 of you know marriage is imminent, that is when you need to discuss all vital issues: income, earnings, religion, where you and he will live after marriage, children, any IL-related issue, etc.
I am divorced. I wlll not consider marrying somebody until all of the above issues are discussed to both of our satisfaction. If you and he are not on the same page with all of the above, not a good portent: the issue won't fix itself and it sure won't go away after the final guest leaves your reception.