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Malicious Mother in Law
We have known each other for 7 years, and we've been married for 3 years. His mother did not like me from the start. She constantly compared me to his ex girlfriend (who cheated on him) saying that ex was so much more fashionable than I am and that his ex was more hardworking, loving ect, ect. So eventually we moved in together, and got engaged. First she wanted to plan the whole wedding, from my dress, the invitations, you name it, she wanted to have a say in it. She also offered to give us some money towards the wedding. Well that didn't happens, she ended up cancelling most of the stuff she was suppose to do for the wedding, and informed us 2 weeks before the wedding that she had cancelled all the decor and that she would not be attending the wedding. In the end we sorted out the decor ourselves and had to pay much more cos it was such short notice. She attended the wedding, but had a hissy fit after the ceremony and went to go sit in her room. She didn't even smile on any of the pic and she changed into a track suit for the party when she eventually decided to come out of her room.
Now fast forward 3 years. She was having a tough time living in a nother city so my hubby decided that she could move in with us "for a month or two" until she was settled. 3 months later she was driving me up the wall, not helping with any house work or financially, making constant snide remarks, and trying to cause arguments between me and H. H confinced her to get her own flat after the two of them had a huge argument when we had some friends over. She wanted H to take the new flat in his name but becos of her being known for not paying rent in the past, we didn't want to take that responsibility. So H convinced her that she needs to take it in her own name, but that we would pay the deposit. So she moved out, we paid the deposit and we thought everything was sorted. Now she is telling H's family that we put her out on the street and she's got nothing to eat ect. ect. And she's threatening suicide (she has done this before but always calls someone before she drinks pills)
What should I do?
Re: Malicious Mother in Law
She didn't like you from the start?
From the start, where has your H been, regarding all of this? The second she started in on you he should have given her hell. What a wimp.
And when he did not speak up for you or stick up for you when this crap started during your dating phase, you should have been history...and found a boyfriend that stood by you and had your back.
Reason being teamwork is everything and so is the character of who you are dating. If you cannot depend on them then, think what marriage to this guy will be like -- and as you can see, the apple never falls far from the tree.
And HE decided his mother could move in?
My point is proven: he is not a team with you and why didn't you have a say in this? it is your place, too and besides:
YOU are supposed to come before his mother, his father, his brother and anybody else!
Why aren't you LIVID about all of this???
What you and he need to do:
Find another place and move out, MINUS her. Let her fend for herself; she is a grown woman.
Do not give into her whining her histronics or her suicide threats: she's manipulating you and him...
Or better yet:
YOU move out. Let him have his mother all to himself; he fancies her more than you, anyway.
He is bad news; he is:
NOT a team with you
He does not put you first
He doesn't see you as an equal; you and he do not make decisions together
He does not have your back
He doesn't know how to be a husband. He's still hopelessly tied to his mother.
He has no character. He lets his mother walk all over you , which pretty much means HE is walking all over you.
He:
Is a wimp
Has no character
Cares less about you and what you think
Makes decisions without you instead of with you
Lets his mother run ragtag all over you
Can't stand up for you
Immature as it gets; he's not a grown man; what you married is a boychild.
Where did you GET this jerk? Find the place where it was you found him... and return him to it henceforth.
What should YOU do?
If I were you, I'd tell him It's your mother or me and let him make the choice. If he chooses his mother, you go; I'm serious. Rethink him and do it now.
IF you insist on staying married to this jerk, insist on joint marriage counseling; very doubtful he will go -- as you can see, he sees nothing wrong with the way he is acting, when there is everything wrong with his behavior.
This guy needs intensive therapy to cut the apron strings. HE would have to be the one to want that to happen, not you or anybody else -- this is sort of like the "rock bottom moment" a drunk has when he realizes he needs help to get clean and sober: nobody's gonna do it for your H but he himself.
I'm serious about you rethinking him and getting out of Dodge; this is a situation where you will never win; you'll be coming in last forever and for good.
first: your dh should never have decided that she could live with you. that should've been both of your decision.
but really-you know that what she's saying isn't true. stop giving in to this woman!! do you not see that she manipulates your DH? do you not see that he gives in?
you know she's bad news. why do you keep putting up with her?
I like this.
I also agree with everyone else.
Did you actually, mutually agree that she could move in with you for x months? Or did your H "make" you welcome her?
Now BOTH of you should ignore her if you want this insanity to cease.
Good luck with that one, Bulgar! Not happenin'.
Unless somebody makes up some kind of magic potion and force feeds it to him.
And to the OP: now your dumb H wants to pay for an apartment for his horrible mother?
THAT is a NO. Because now he's into the "OUR MONEY" portion of the marriage. You and he cannot afford it -- let her ass find a job or find a way to pay for it herself.
If she is threatening suicide...call emergency services..overnight in a psych ward might do her good. Also she sounds pretty toxic to you and your husbands relationship...so put down some ground rules with her, for example tell her (or better yet get your H to tell her) you don't appriciate being talked about to other family behind your back and you wont be able to have any communication with her if she chooses to do so....same with requests for spending time/money...let her know where the line is in you and your husbands mind and what the consquences are going to be for crossing it. Example: Maybe she is allowed to come over for dinner a few times a week but isnt allowed to ask for money for rent or isn't allowed to drop by unexpected or whatever seems reasonable to you given your relationship with her
I don't really know whats available in your area, but if it was me I would be tempted to print her off a list of food banks and churchs that give out groceries if shes going to blame you for "putting her out with nothing to eat". That might piss her off though and add fuel to the fire, in the very least you need to find a way to let her know you are not an unending source of money either.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
This one is easy, it's a no-brainer.
Leave your pansyass stupid husband, and then you'll be rid of his pathetic mother too.
Because here's a newslfash - your husband doesn't really care that much about you or your feelings. You have and always will always come in second place to his mother, and she knows this and is playing it to her advantage. She will always disrespect you and treat you like dirt, and your husband will always stand by and not only allow her to do it, but will force you to support her while she does it.
Surely you're worth more than this.
You have a H problem, not a MIL problem. True, your H can't help that his mother is crazy. But it seems like he is making unilateral decisions and has no respect for you! Where were you in the decision to move MommyDearest in? Where were you in the decision to give your hard earned cash to MommyDearest so she could GTFO of your home?
Where was your H when MommyDearest was criticizing you, comparing you to his adulterous ex, or screwing over your wedding?
Your H has no spine. No regard for the well-being of your marriage. No ability to work as a team...I don't care how good he is in bed...you deserve better!!
I'm wondering how it is the OP hasn't even done as much as to stick up for herself. When this old battleaxe started in on you, why didn't you tell her to butt out and stfu?
This isn't saying much at all for you; I guess you liked the way you were treated; you said nothing.
I can't figure out who is the most messed up out of the 3 of them: the old battleaxe, the OP's H....or the OP herself. IT's one thing he is a wimp -- why should you let yourself be insulted, denigrated and pushed the hell around? I'd have opened my mouth the second she started in --- and then left immediately thereafter...
And left him to figure out what happened. I think that he might be able to get what just transpired.
Hey Tarpon Mono, why don't you cool it on this woman's husband? She wasn't asking you to give your expert advice on her husband. Why don't you take your high mighty butt down a few notches and say something helpful.... Idk, like not so husband bashing.
You give HORRIBLE advice, you're telling this woman to move out? Did you get hit over the head recently and sleep through the whole RECESSION?? This isn't the 90's you can't just pick up and move, and moving without her husband? What kind of marriage do you even have? see... now I'm questioning your thought process here.
Her husband in no way sounds like a wimp, he just has a seriously messed up mom. It actually makes him more of a man that he is willing to help his mother out, she is HIS MOTHER. You may not give two nickles of a care about your mother but the rest of us do.
You come on here bashing someone's husband, and you know who does that? Women who are MISERABLE with their own. See any qualities up there that remind you of your dime piece? You are a sad, sad lady and I just feel nothing but pity for you sweetheart. Bless your ever loving heart. And I would take that thereapy suggestion and apply it to YOU, because little whack jobs like you need it more than that guy.
And to the original poster, Here is my advice:
Love your husband, if it were your mother you know you would take her in. She's out now, so what more do you want? She won't be out of your lives and you don't want that. Just learn to ignore her, I've had to do the same with mine and so does more than half the world. I know this isn't ideal but you have to be strong for your husband. Let him deal with her, the biggest thing is communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about her in a respectable way and tell him how you want your distance and space from her. He will understand that and if he doesn't then get harder on him. But chances are once you express your feelings he won't cross you again with his mother. And about the family, explain the situation (if they must know), then they'll understand too. But they probably already know how crazy she is. What I'm trying to say is, you married him not his mother. She doesn't do anything for you, she doesn't help you so why let someone so small in your life cause such a big effect.
Hey Tarpon Mono, why don't you cool it on this woman's husband? She wasn't asking you to give your expert advice on her husband. Why don't you take your high mighty butt down a few notches and say something helpful.... Idk, like not so husband bashing.
You give HORRIBLE advice, you're telling this woman to move out? Did you get hit over the head recently and sleep through the whole RECESSION?? This isn't the 90's you can't just pick up and move, and moving without her husband? What kind of marriage do you even have? see... now I'm questioning your thought process here.
Her husband in no way sounds like a wimp, he just has a seriously messed up mom. It actually makes him more of a man that he is willing to help his mother out, she is HIS MOTHER. You may not give two nickles of a care about your mother but the rest of us do.
You come on here bashing someone's husband, and you know who does that? Women who are MISERABLE with their own. See any qualities up there that remind you of your dime piece? You are a sad, sad lady and I just feel nothing but pity for you sweetheart. Bless your ever loving heart. And I would take that thereapy suggestion and apply it to YOU, because little whack jobs like you need it more than that guy.
And to the original poster, Here is my advice:
Love your husband, if it were your mother you know you would take her in. She's out now, so what more do you want? She won't be out of your lives and you don't want that. Just learn to ignore her, I've had to do the same with mine and so does more than half the world. I know this isn't ideal but you have to be strong for your husband. Let him deal with her, the biggest thing is communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about her in a respectable way and tell him how you want your distance and space from her. He will understand that and if he doesn't then get harder on him. But chances are once you express your feelings he won't cross you again with his mother. And about the family, explain the situation (if they must know), then they'll understand too. But they probably already know how crazy she is. What I'm trying to say is, you married him not his mother. She doesn't do anything for you, she doesn't help you so why let someone so small in your life cause such a big effect.
Do NOT send anything from your phone. The print is as, well, small as you are.
Hey Tarpon Mono, why don't you cool it on this woman's husband? She wasn't asking you to give your expert advice on her husband. Why don't you take your high mighty butt down a few notches and say something helpful.... Idk, like not so husband bashing.
Where in this scenario do you see the OP?s husband speaking up for his wife ? and where do you see the evidence that the OP?s H stuck up for her when his mother started this bullshit?
Read the post...he?s never taken his wife?s side.
He never took her side, either, when they began dating and his mother started in on her.
Any guy who is worth his salt and is emotionally mature will not be afraid to tell his mother she?s wrong when she is wrong.. His tacitness translates out to "My mother walks all over you and I approve."
And I can?t see how the OP put up with it as long as she did, or why she put up with it at all. Maybe love is blind but when somebody?s got a hard on for you for no apparent reason, it?s time to get out of Dodge ? and sorry, when you marry somebody you DO indeed marry his family.
What would you tell a friend who was in this situation? Be honest.
You give HORRIBLE advice, you're telling this woman to move out? Did you get hit over the head recently and sleep through the whole RECESSION?? This isn't the 90's you can't just pick up and move, and moving without her husband? What kind of marriage do you even have? see... now I'm questioning your thought process here.And it was his wedding, too, yet he did nothing to speak up when she screwed you and him over when it came to her part in the wedding. He should have lain the law down right there --- didn't she even care she was hurting her son? This is his wedding as much as his FI's wedding.
He can't even speak up for himself. This really is pretty bad (and I am guessing she's given him more than the sh!tty end of the stick his entire life; probably not the first time she's treated him horribly)
Move without her husband? [chuckles] Exactly the point! You won the kewpie doll on this one! If he can't make a stand with her, what good is he to her, as a husband, then?
And sorry, but my advice is not "horrible." (I do wonder, though, why you?re so passionate about jumping in here and tearing down my advice.)
He?s a wimp and spineless. That?s the whole thing in a nutshell ? and I seriously doubt this is a cultural issue (if it is, it?s the same thing: in many cultures, the mother comes in first and the wife is dead bang last. Acceptable for them but not for somebody from that culture)
And if you can?t speak up and tell someone when they?re wrong, pretty bad.
What kind of marriage do I have?
I had (as in past tense) a similar one to that of the OP and I wound up showing him the door because of it. Does that answer your question?
Her husband in no way sounds like a wimp, he just has a seriously messed up mom. It actually makes him more of a man that he is willing to help his mother out, she is HIS MOTHER. You may not give two nickles of a care about your mother but the rest of us do.
Just an FYI: my mother is deceased. Watch your effing mouth when you delve into the topic of somebody else's mother.
And helping out a parent is one thing --- he's not just "helping out" -- he is putting her BEFORE his wife and that is positively emphatically wrong. This is dealbreaker material.
Any clergyperson will say the same: your first alliance is to your spouse. When you marry, that person is your family: you are one new unit together.
His mother is NASTY. And maybe possibly mentally ill. Not just "messed up." And when one is wrong, one is wrong and his mother was wrong all the way! If your mother did that to your H, please don?t tell me you?d not say a word, *just because* it is your mother ? that would make you as bad as the OP?s H. He would expect you to have his back and he's not in the wrong about that.
You come on here bashing someone's husband, and you know who does that? Women who are MISERABLE with their own. See any qualities up there that remind you of your dime piece?
Stick around and you will see how many women who can see that there is no marriage dynamic here will speak up and give the same advice that I gave. Going to tell them they are wrong, too?
You are a sad, sad lady and I just feel nothing but pity for you sweetheart. Bless your ever loving heart. And I would take that thereapy suggestion and apply it to YOU, because little whack jobs like you need it more than that guy.
Sad I am not. Gee, this sure touched a nerve with you ? maybe your H, too, is giving you the same kind of royal treatment as the OP?s H is.
And to the original poster, Here is my advice:
Love your husband, if it were your mother you know you would take her in. She's out now, so what more do you want?
She is able bodied. No reason for her not to be on her own. Ande maybe she is out but the fact still remains: she treats her DIL like trash and the OP's H will not say one word in his wife's defense. Positively unacceptable and despicable.
She could live on the planet Mars at this point but the damage has already been done: what he has shown his gf and then his wife, is a lack of respect profound and dire. And the OP should have said goodbye when she saw this bullshit when they were dating.
The marriage vow is "forsaking all others." this means your first alliance is to your spouse no questions asked. And he blew that vow to hell before he even made it. Pitiful.
And if she was not able to live on her own, there are live in companions and there is also assisted living if she needs it.
She won't be out of your lives and you don't want that. Just learn to ignore her, I've had to do the same with mine and so does more than half the world.
Ignore her? Ha ? that means "go right ahead and step all over me. It?s fine by me; I like being a doormat."
I know this isn't ideal but you have to be strong for your husband.
How about being strong for his WIFE??? Thijnk that is going to happen anytime this millennium?
Let him deal with her, the biggest thing is communicate with him. Let him know how you feel about her in a respectable way and tell him how you want your distance and space from her. He will understand that and if he doesn't then get harder on him. But chances are once you express your feelings he won't cross you again with his mother. And about the family, explain the situation (if they must know), then they'll understand too. But they probably already know how crazy she is. What I'm trying to say is, you married him not his mother. She doesn't do anything for you, she doesn't help you so why let someone so small in your life cause such a big effect.
"So small" in the OP?s life?
Try that the disrespect that he has shown his wife will eventually put a rift so wide between her and her H that it will make the Grand Canyon pale in comparison. She?ll wind up despising and resenting him and don?t ask what this will do to what is left of the OP?s self esteem.
A person is what he is right now. She should have seen that the first time his nasty mother opened her mouth and her then-bf did nothing about it. I very much doubt if you'd accept a guy like this who is already broken.
Just think of what kind of hot mess this will be if the OP stays with this jerk and kids enter the picture --- you don't marry the family? Who the hell would expose their kids to somebody like the OP's MIL???? I sure wouldn't want my kids around her -- the divisiveness is one thing but just think of what this will do to the kids.
There is no marriage dynamic here at all whatsoever. Nor is the OP's H mature enough to even be in a marriage.
He COULD cut his mother off -- but the damage is already done. This is now how many years that the OP's been exposed to this? wow...
You have great advice as usual. I agree 100%.
Granted i was one of them but I had to learn it the hard way. Too bad I did. I paid the price.
Though i will admit that the xMIL never once treated me nastily or welched on a promise to pay for part of the wedding nor did she try to run the wedding and then do the both of us in in the bargain.
If there was one thing i would not have tolerated it was nasty behavior. Indeed stick up for your rights; you only get what you ask for if you sit by silently and let that person do a number on you.
I am not trying to bust the OP's balls or ride her or denigrate her: I see this for what it is.
And sometimes you have to be point blank and tell it like it is so that the person with the problem can see what's intrinsically wrong with the picture. That she's complained about it shows me that she knows there is a huge problem and she needs a solution.
The ladies are right, there is no marriage here. It started out with you being disrespected and insulted and ended up years later with you spending money on this wacko to finally get the eff out of your home, all because your H isn't what we call "a man".
Come to think of it my parents split up eventually thanks to this very dynamic, on a smaller scale but still the same. It's a hopeless situation so you'd be wise to end it before you completely lose yourself trying to fix it.
Don't get me wrong -- if his mother had an extreme emergency: dire illness or she lost her job due to the economy and can't afford to live on her own, yes -- help her out. (And even if she moved back in with them due to a job loss or a bad divorce -- it's happening to baby boomer adults: they move in with their kids or even their parents, if their parents are still around, thanks to the economy --- she stays WITH RULES. Not to freeload or do a number on anybody in that home, DIL, stranger or other)
The above is another story.
What the OP stated is not that kind of story.
And I would not doubt if she treated her son like sh!t too his whole life. Nice way to ruin her son's wedding and wedding day along with her DIL's. (and I won't even kick at the casual attire at the wedding; we had guests that did that, also -- they wree kids in our wedding party and when the photo ops were done, they changed into more casual attire -- and remember, some ladies aren't the "girly girl" dress up types. That's how it is) He should have been pretty pissed at her for that alone but I guess now it's another story; doesn't this guy even stand up for himself?
He's enabling her by keeping his silence.
You stand up to somebody --- no matter who the person is -- when that person is in the wrong; this is what being an adult is all about; even if it's your parents, or your best friend, or your boss or college prof: when you're wrong you're wrong.
You banged it right on the head. She treats him like Sh!t aswell. A bit of background info on H. His parents split up when he was 2years old, he has been blamed for this his whole life. He is very sympathetic with others and he doesn't like arguing or fighting. His sister raised him, so he is much closer with her than with his mom. But he still cares about his mom.
Anyways, I followed everyones advise to a degree, and told him that I don't want him to choose between me or her, but he seriously needs to make a decision, and if he can't make the decision, then I will make it for him and I will move out. Not that I want to, but I am not willing to live the rest of my life like this.
It was a huge wake up call for him, he knew that I was unhappy, but he didn't think I would actually take my things and go.
Most of the insults from MIL came either behind my back or when there were no witnessess around. Anyways, we will see how it goes from here, I have decided to rather keep my distance from MIL, but H can go and see her as much as he wants.
Thanks so much for your advise.
To a degree you are right, I should have opened my mouth a long time ago, thanks for the advise, I geuss I just needed a huge wake up call.
I just know that if she's upset with me, she takes it out on H, wich also isn't fare, and I wanted him to realise for himself what she is doing to our relationship. At last it has happened, after I threatened to take my stuff and go.
But only time will tell.
Thanks again for your honest post.
To a degree you are right, I should have opened my mouth a long time ago, thanks for the advise, I geuss I just needed a huge wake up call.
I just know that if she's upset with me, she takes it out on H, wich also isn't fare, and I wanted him to realise for himself what she is doing to our relationship. At last it has happened, after I threatened to take my stuff and go.
But only time will tell.
Thanks again for your honest post.
Ain't that just tough titty for her.
The only recourse here is for him to cut his mother off for good and have no more contact with her whatsoever.
If she is this horrible to him, he should have cut her out of his life a long time ago and made sure she was history. And sought therapy to cope with the fact that he's got a toxic parent.
So what is he planning on doing about this? Does he plan to cut her off, tell her off, what's he planning on doing to make sure his mother gets it once and for all that he runs the show from here on in?
And if he backpedals or stalls or sh!t goes back to the way it was, more importantly: What do you plan on doing?
What about how you feel about him -- how he never had your back, how he never stuck up for you, how he let his mother treat you as she wished? I don't know how this is going to be repaired unless you and he go to coupels counseling togehter.
I feel as if I am looking into the mirror here minus her moving in with us and the suicide threats. As it sits right now, with 27 days til my wedding; my fiance has FINALLY told his mother and step-father to kick rocks. I like the idea of therapy to deal with his toxic parents.
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