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Niece drama
Backstory: my brother has been with his wife for 14 years. The wife had a daughter before they were together. My brother has been her father for 14 of the 17 years she's been alive. My brother and his wife are in the process of divorcing. The daughter moved out 6 or so months ago and lives with a friend. She hates her mom and inthe teen years started hating my brother/her step dad. My niece has minimal contact with family, but called my mom and asked if she could come to the family Christmas party, which of course she was more than welcome to attend. She then called a few weeks later and asked if she could come to thanksgiving too. Again, she was told she was more than welcome. Thanksgiving seemed to go well, aunts, uncles, cousins were all excited to see her after almost a year.
We get to today... After dinner I look at her twitter page and it says (paraphrase) "so glad I came all this way to spend time with the family I hate the most" all in caps. Ok, ow. Thanks a bunch. Then a little while later she tweets about her great grandma who says (paraphrasing) "you won't go to college, you're fat, and should wear more makeup". I wasn't there for the supposed convo but I am 99.9% sure that's nothing like what was actually said. Now I am really hurt and upset. You hate us and you make your great grandmother look like a complete b*tch, not cool. So she comes downstairs and I said "X, enough with the tweets." she's like "I don't know what you're talking about". I say " I'm not going to embarrass you by reading them out loud, but knock it off". Two minutes later there's a tweet of "pretty sure the 1st amendment gives me the right to free speech, stop reading if it makes you mad". I just want to knock her upside the head and be like we are the only ones who actually give a damn about you and you talk about us like we are the most evil people in the world. Now Christmas is coming and she will be here, maybe if she doesn't back out, and I don't even want to have her because I feel like she hates us and just looks for the bad. Not to mention I don't want to spend a penny on her gift if I am such an awful person.
No one else read the tweets and it would break my moms heart if she did see them, but I just feel like she is kind to our face and then gives us the middle finger as soon as we tur. Around, but she's more than willing to take our presents and acts of kindness.
How would you feel? Am I letting this dumb 17 yo drama get the better of me? Suggestions for Xmas gifts? It just makes me sad that the family tries to keep her connected to us and she is ungrateful about everything.
Re: Niece drama
If it were me, I would go at her with guilt. Maybe say, "you know we all love you so much and I can't believe you would say those things. Especially what you wrote about grandmother, you know she adores you", etc., etc.
It may at least get her to thinking about her behavior. If not, and she continues to act this way, I would just ignore her and I would not be purchasing her a Christmas gift.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
She's got no right to be rude and combative with you. None whatsoever.
She is 17, her life hasn't been as picture perfect as she may have wanted. I'm not excusing her words on twitter, but you are an adult and she is a hurt 17 year old ahole.
She will one day regret her words as she grows up and matures. Be the adult and keep loving her, but always call her out on her BS. It's good for her.
Hmmm, hard to say... More than the ugly tweets I'd be concerned with the fact that she showed no remorse whatsoever when you called her out on them. I'm not sure what I would do, I think I'd relay the story to your mother and let her decide if she wants to have a come to jesus talk with the niece about her behaviour. In her position I certainly would want to say something, for "educational" reasons and just to see what the big issue is with this girl. FTR, my life wasn't picture perfect either but I still didn't/wouldn't insult loving family behind their backs at 17.
That said, may I ask, how does a 17 year old just move out of the house?
Some of this is normal teenage rebellion. I think many kids go through a "I hate my parents" phase, and this is hers.
I wouldn't totally shun her and give her NO gifts, but at the same time, I would find a way to instill a few consequences to her behavior. She does need to understand that her words DO have an effect on other people - which is another point. Social media didn't exist when we were kids. We didn't have that "outlet", and while it's the norm for her - CLEARLY her words are read by the people she's complaning about. And that IS going to have consequences. Right now, it's family. But eventually- she could do herself even more serious damage if she doesn't learn NOW that her actions have consequences.
I think she needs to know she is loved and always has family there for her, but yeah... you don't need to turn a blind eye and just unconditionally accept her behavior. You can give her some consequences while also still being there for her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
When you say "I don't want to have her...." is it your house? Or your mom's? Because if it's your mom's it's not your choice.
I would take the high road - - and when I say that I mean take the high road for your own good, not for hers. You will be able to say you were kind to her, and hopefully she will outgrow this. You can AVOID her at the party as much as possible / only make small talk - but I would not uninvite her.
For a gift I would get a giftcard to starbucks, dunkin' donuts (if she goes to either place) or target - don't waste time on something personal and special for someone so unappreciative. Make it minimal (more because she is 17 and not a kid anymore than b/c she is a b*tch).
Yes, you are letting the dumb 17 yo drama get to you. Think about it - when you see people you are not attached posting negative things "their own personal drama" on FB or twitter-- it is just so pathetic! Definately a cry for attention and a "poor me" attitude that will get her nowhere in life. She is going to attract broken people as long as she is like that.
And I think you were right to call her on the tweets. Not to show the rest of your family how mean and spiteful she is, but so she knows that you know.
I agree with this..she sounds like a teenager. When she said don't look at her twitter... shes right, if you don't want to know the BS she is posting on twitter, don't suscribe to her. Your her aunt not her friend and even if she is deep down gratefull to be included in the family events, she might be trying to keep a front up or keep her story of "hating her family" in front of her friends (who she is more likely hoping will read her tweets).
Keep loving her, "heap burning coals on her head with acts of kindness". Theres nothing wrong with letting her know what was said isn't nice, but you can't make her "feel remorseful" so just kill her with kindness until she grows up and realizes the blessing it is to have extended family that is willing to be in her life through a turbulant teenage years with a absent dad and then the divorce from the only dad she's likely known added to the mix
My Blog:Through My Eyes
it's too bad that you confronted her like that. how did you expect her to respond?
i mean you can take the high or low road here. you can answer the tweet either way 'sorry you feel like that it was great to see you and we enjoyed your company' OR 'you hate us so much i guess you wont be joining us after all for christmas'.
she's 17. she's not an infant. if she can give it she's got to be able to take it too. lesson of life.
I vote this. She is not a baby, just acting like one. She will be in
college next year, I say tough love is needed. And would go with
the second one.
And why would one reward this girl with presents? I really don't get
that.