Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How many Christmas celebrations??
Just wondering how many different holiday events you generally participate in with your families? My mother in law hosts multiple different Christmas events leading up to the holidays. Yesterday kicked off the Christmas season. My husband and I opted to skip holiday cookie and candy baking this year as he had a friend visiting from out of town and I do not get along with MIL's best friend who comes to this event (this is due to something that is not related to husband's family at all and occurred long before we even dated). MIL also expects us to all go together to get our Christmas trees, and on a separate occasion, get together to string popcorn and cranberries for her tree. She also has invited us to go to her mother's house to trim her tree. We do not participate in this event generally as his grandparents home is small and honestly more than 1 or 2 people decorating a tree is too many. Then when Christmas arrives they host Christmas Eve, Christmas morning presents before church and then something with his mom's side of the family Christmas afternoon. So that is a total of 8 events just from his mom and her side of the family. (Not to mention we are going to Vegas with them the weekend before Christmas to celebrate his brother's birthday) Anyway, husband stopped at his parents after his friend left town and his mom was literally crying because we didn't come bake cookies and told him everyone thinks we are party poppers. We live within a couple miles of the majority of our family and see them quite regularly but during the holidays we get invited to so many things that we must occasionally decline or we would do nothing but holiday party hop. Sorry this is so long but how do I tell her that we simple cannot participate in everything- and as she is aware I will not attend events that her friend comes to. I feel like she is manipulating my husband by pulling the crying bit... also- I think her daughter and her kids were the only ones that attend, not the other two boys (who are 25 and 21- not likely to be into holiday baking) so we weren't the only ones who declined. It is mostly her sisters/aunts/cousins/friends so I'm not sure why she feels so deeply that we would be participants? We are spending the entirety of Christmas this year with his family as my entire family will be on a cruise. What more can she ask? And honestly- I want to start traditions of my own with my family but what left is there to do?
~basquing in the wedded bliss~
Re: How many Christmas celebrations??
Then this is what you do:
And honestly- I want to start traditions of my own with my family but what left is there to do?
You and your H need to sit down and make your own plans, with your own guests and your own way.
You tell his mother that exactly: "Sorry but we can't be everywhere with everyone. If you like, H and I are having company on Christmas and you are always welcome."
You and your H need to stand together on this.
You are right. She is trying to manipulate him by crying. However, to her credit, it probably works, right ?
Look, it is ok if she is disappointed that people didn't come to her cookie party. She is allowed to be disappointed. The important thing is that your husband and you have to be ok with her being upset and crying and realize this is on her and not on you. These invitations are simply that, invitations not subpoenas. You are allowed to decline the invitation especailly if you have other plans. You are allowed to begin and celebrate your own tradtions. You are even allowed to have time to yourself and do nothing at all.
Remember, she is allowed to be upset, but that doesn't mean the burden is on you guys to assure that MIL is never upset.
Period.
The fact that it's now falling to YOU to talk to her - did your DH cop out and is afraid to say anything to her?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Welll, if your DH did talk to her and did say "We can't come to everything" then YOU really don't need to go in and also say something.
Look - in the end you can't control her feelings. If she's upset, she's upset. It's on you to not let it guilt you into giving in to what she wants.
The best way to "tell" her that crying won't alter your plans is to simply NOT alter your plans, and the consistent message from both of you needs to be "I know you're disappointed but we'll see you on ___ ".
It just sounds like too much explanation is only going to make the situation worse. Not better. She's going to look for holes in your arguement.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
For the record, I'm not saying you can't EVER say anything. If she says something to you directly, you have every right to say something. It's just in this situation - your DH handled it. Let it go. Wait until the next time/ she says something when you're there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is there a way to compromise? For example, telling MIL that you will only do 2 pre-holiday gtgs - which ones would she prefer to see you at (excluding the one where her nasty friend is)? Then, even if going to grandma's is cramped, you go to that one if it is important to her. Also, at that point, it is clear that you are ONLY going to two events.
I would also make it clear that now that you have your own LO, you will not be going on Christmas morning to her house. Your baby needs her own christmas at home with Santa's presents - not to be shuffled around from your house to grandma's house to church to great-grandma's.
Honestly, I would not be able to take your MIL. I love family and try my best - but that is TOO much togetherness!