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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! First "big" newlywed issue
Hello! My husband and I have been married for almost two months, together for two years and living together for one year. Prior to the wedding, we were saving all of our "extra" money for the wedding. Now that the wedding is over, we're mostly focused on paying off debt. However, shortly before we got married, my husband was promoted and I went from a full time job to a part time job so that I could stay home a little more to take care of the household stuff. This is what we both wanted at the time. Since we've been back from our honeymoon, I've also been trying to "make a home" which has involved some larger purchases. Yesterday we got in a fight because he doesn't see all that I'm getting done on my days off. Instead, what he sees is the one load of laundry that didn't get done or the two plates in the sink. Bottom line; he's upset that I'm not making as much money as I was before, but buying new things. He now "expects the house to look a certain way" (his words) now that I'm not working full time. I feel like I'm working my butt off, both at home and at work, and I don't feel like he should "expect" anything to "look a certain way". He's making me feel like an errant child that should have her allowance taken away for not doing her chores. Does anyone have any insight or advice? Thank you all so much!
Re: Help! First "big" newlywed issue
You guys lived together for a year --- who did the housework then and eh how did the house "look"???
Doesn't like what he sees, eh?
Well, let him pitch in with the housework and that is what I strongly suggest: that you and he equally "run" the household --- he pitches in half the housework and you do the other half.
It also sounds like he is nit picking. He also has no right to talk to you like you're an indentured servant.
Make a TO DO book and in it, write down by the day what needs to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. At the start of the week, the both of you sit down and review what household work is due for the upcoming week; then discuss who will do what and when.
Maybe get some counseling so that the communication is a bit better. And also for him to stop picking on you, indeed.
When DH and I were arguing about me needing more help with the housework, my therapist said to just leave a notebook on the kitchen counter and any time each of us did something (a load of laundry, a load of dishes, sweeping whatever) we listed it under our name for that day. It took less than 2 days hours before DH started helping out more, without me every having to say a word.
Since you've already lived together, maybe he's just in a post-wedding reality check and starting to freak out about having less income. Adjusting to marriage and a lower income and making large purchases can be a big switch and lead you to say things you don't necessarily mean. Did you discuss the large purchases before you made them?
This is a communication and expectation issue. I can clean and organize all day but it may not be noticeable if you aren't looking for it. The notebook is a great idea.
I also hope you two discussed the big purchases before you made them.
It seems its a much bigger adjustment for him and he's having a hard time. Talk it out and you'll be fine.
Ditto.
I mean, HUH? Unless you have a mansion to maintain, I don't understand how housework is a part-time job for you. How long does it really, truly take you to vacuum and do a load of laundry? This is 2012, it's not like you're washing clothes with a washing board and having to prepare every meal from scratch while making daily trips to the grocery and butcher for fresh foods since you have no refridgeration.
I guess if I were sitting at home by myself an extra 20 hours per week, I'd be spending money out of boredom too. And if I were the working spouse, I'd be pissed at you for carelessly spending money - especially if you weren't making a full-time salary and we had debt to pay down.
And if my spouse's part-time "job" was to take of the housework, I wouldn't expect to do anything more than take care of my dishes and dirty clothes; I mean, everything else should be done, right?
And I'd love clarification on that. What larger purchases are you just *having* to make in order to "make a home"?
Outside of necessary appliances and furniture, which I'm assuming you already had since you've been living together for awhile, I don't know what else you really need. Being married doesn't mean that your house has to look like a Pottery Barn magazine.
Every bit of what these ladies said.
I think that the idea of the notebook is great. However dividing the household tasks 50/50 doesn't seem fair since he's working more paid hours and you're working less paid hours. Both of you need to talk about your expectations when it comes to the house. After a trial run of the notebook let him know if it wasn't possible to accomplish so many tasks in a week and alter the tasks as needed to be realistic. Also create a budget for household items. If you both agree on a budget and you don't go over then he can't complain about what you spend.
It's also possible that since he's working extra hours and you're working less paid he may resent it thinking that your life is easier than his since you get to be home so much. You might need to revisit whether you taking care of the household is still more important than you working a fulltime job now. But whatever you agree on do it because it's what both of you want not because working fulltime is "normal".
When my husband was voluntarily unemployed he used to spend money on things that I thought were a waste of money and he thought they were justifiable household expenses. I got so stressed, nervous, and angry because i could not afford the lifestyle he wanted on my salary alone.
I'm going to have to agree with this. I work full-time M-F 8-5, and so does DH. We are also homeowners, just bought a house in May of this year, and have three dogs. I manage to get all housework done on our 1200 sq ft home as well as yard work and maintenance while also "making our house a home".
I agree that your priorities are a little strange. Focus on getting debt paid off first, then you can worry about the home. Or do it at the same time. Point is, I think you should still be working full-time, and I think your DH would like that too. It seems to me that he feels he is contributing more than you financially, and though he thought he'd be okay with it, he'd really like more help from you.
Sit down and talk to him about what you both think would work better in order to accomplish your goal of paying off debt.
YUP! If I worked part-time and was a stay at home wife the other half of the time, my house would be SPOTLESS! If you're so concerned with paying down debt, go back to work full time and split the housework 50/50.
Thank you so much for this response! I love this idea! We did discuss the large purchases (vacuum, pots and pans set, dish set) that we did not have before. We talked some last night and I think the underlying issue is stress at work (he's just finishing their "busy" season).
This. Its one thing to cut to part time to watch kids (otherwise you are paying a sitter or daycare to watch them anyways)....to not work as much because you want to sit at home and do housework seems crazy to me...no wonder you are spending money, you don't have enough else to do! Go back to working at least 30+ hours a week and tell your hubby you are the wife not the maid and that he needs to chip in....don't spend money you don't have.
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And thank you for these responses too! They were very insightful!
35 hours is barely part time. I don't see why your house has to be spotless if you are working just a few hours under 40. Yeah he shouldn't jump on you. I really don't see this being a complicated situation that can't be fixed by talking it over.
This is all about how you feel and what you want, nothing about how your husband feels or what he wants. And there is your problem right there. Your career choices don't take him into account, the purchases you make with money that was given to both of you don't take him into account, and you don't even take him into account when doing house chores.
If pretty much everyone is saying the same thing about you, odds are that it's not everyone else who is wrong.
If this was all about me, why would I come on here looking for ideas and advice? None of my close friends are married yet, so I was looking for advice from those who were. And if this was all about me, I wouldn't give a crap about him enough to come here looking for advice on how to fix it. I did not change jobs without talking to him and basically getting his approval. All of our purchases were made together and not without discussing them first. And once again, his opinion and feelings regarding house chores is why I came here in the first place. Guess I won't make that mistake again.
Also, we talked it out and were fine. Lesson #1: Don't talk on an empty stomach and little sleep. Thanks for caring though...
Oh my! Don't pay attention to all those negative comments! I completely understand where you are coming from! Before the wedding I was working anywhere from 30-45 hours a week, but then not long after the wedding in July my hours got cut to 15-20. I was having to miss some for doctors appointments and am also going to school. So I wasn't making enough money to even both missing these housewife duties (sounds crazy but I actually do enjoy taking care of the home and having things done for him, but that doesn't always happen) So we talked it over and I quit to focus more on the house and school. We have had that same argument before where he has made almost that exact comment. Now he apologized and I even thought of going back to work, but for now we both know that we'd rather have the house like we want it and have me doing well with my degree. It gets rough at times and we too have debt to pay off, but we make it. Budget budget budget ! Thats how we have come to live but for now it works for us. I hope everything got better!
The quickest way to lose marital bliss and feel blitz by a hard tackle is to have Finacial issues. It doesn't matter what you initially agreed on marriage is all about making adjustments for the peace and welfare of the union ( I stress the peace part).
Promotion or not if you increase purchases you increase stress because he is carrying the bulk of the load. You should have a monthly budget that goes to the home nothing more. The home and the marriage isn't going anywhere put the happiness can if you put strain on it with arguments that stem from you buying more that agreed on when you know we are trying to pay off debt and you aren't working as much.
The most loving man can change on his wife when he is stressed by financial worries. You will find it may be easier to work full time again and contribute the same amount of money you made part time to the bills and then use the remaining towards the house. He won't argue he is working harder. His extra raise money will go to wedding debt and your extra will go to the home. He will not feel that he is taking on the stress. Otherwise stick don't go over budget, keep the house in order and be super sweet to him praising him for allowing you to work part time ( stroking a mans ego will get you everything remember that)
My dear I am in your situation and it took me 3 yrs to find out where I went wrong. Men love to say " I took care of the family, I let my wife not work in order to..." . Sadly though men don't handle marital stress and financial stress the same and although we don't recognize it men are naturally controlling. When he is making the majority of the money he feel entitled to certain demands and behaviors. He will also change the standards or even rules/thing previously agreed upon.
He will feel unappreciated and as if he has the weight of the world while you enjoy the perfect setting so bitter resentment creeps in. You have 3 hard choices.
Get a full time job and get things along and along. Or you can continue on but never go over budget and expect him to complain about food not cooked on time, clothes not washed, or errands he tossed on you at the last minute not being done.
Or you can say forget the house, work full time and help him pay off the debt. Let him bring up the house and then you can express how you were made to feel and how you would rather work and pay off debt in a boring home than to feel like the marriage was headed for breaking point all because you wanted to upgrade and he was now acting like a different man one you know you wouldn't have married because that guy hurts your feeling and makes you feel inferior