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How would you handle this
My dad has gone off the deep end since my brother was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago. During that time I divoriced my husband due to his drug use and racking up bills in our name. a year ago My brother recieved his good news that he was cancer free. Then my dad started in. First my brother was a conartist and never had cancer (Mayo clinic would not have given him chemo and radiatio if he had not had cancer). Then I met someone and we ended up having a son (who is now 3 months old) My dad then started in on me, how my child was a bastard and his father should just leave and they would help me raise my son (I am 30 years old). I am now married to my son's father, and my parents were not there and do not want me married to him. THey would rather me be a single parent. DH and I only fight about my dad threatening to kill him (literally) or them belittling me, and I forgive them without them appologizing to me. I know they are walking all over me. I bought a house neighboring their property (in the country) when I was younger and just out of college, and now even though they do no own my property they think they have the right to decided what goes on at my house or on my property. Today was the icing on the cake. My dad told my contractor that I was not going to pay him for my garage project. I have never talked to my dad about the project and Have no intention of not paying my contractor for his work. Our agreement was he would be paid when the projet was finished. The project is almost finished and he will be paid when it is done. After the last time they told DH that he would never be part of the family and he is the cause of our family problems. DH and I are not welcome in their lives. I told them fine then they did not need to be a part of my son's life either. I caved because I felt bad for my mom because she is so close to my son. But now they have started again. I am thinking of writing them a letter telling them how I feel and why they will no longer be a part of my life or my son's life if they do not start treating my like an equal. THey have always told me that i am doing the wrong thing. Going to college was a dumb idea, taking a job in my field was a wrong idea (I am now one of the youngest sales managers of a television station in our region), marrying my ex husband was a wong idea (we had been together for 8 years). Everything I have ever done was wrong. I'm at a loss of everything I feel like I have no family left. My brother and I do not talk, he pushed the entire family away except my mom( she has always done everything for my brother and still does). My mom and brother came to my son's baptism drunk and just stood there making snide comments about DH and I the entire time.
Re: How would you handle this
Well, unless there is more to this story than what you are tell us, your family is toxic and you are letting them destroy the family you are trying to create. Yes all of your family, not just your dad. You never should have caved with your mom. If she truly loved your son, she certainly wouldn't tolerate your dad threatening to kill your husband, the father of your child. If she truly loved your son, she certainly wouldn't have come to his baptism drunk. If she truly loved your son, she wouldn't stay with a man that called your son a bastard. That isn't what loving grandmothers do. That is what bad grandmothers do. Your mother is a bad grandmother to your son.
Sure you can write a letter to them, but I doubt it would do any good besides giving you a release and ability to write your feelings down on paper. There really is nothing you can say to these people to make them see it your way. Best to accept it and move on. Perhaps even talk to a professional counselor and the best way to handle your famiyl and to separate your self from them.
You really think a letter is going to fix this? Make things better?
I agree- your family is toxic and really, you FORGAVE your dad for threatening to kill your DH? I think counseling might help you sort all this out and give you the strength to make good decisions when it comes to your family - especially your dad.
This is not healthy and you need to learn to set boundaries.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Geez! Go ahead and write your letter, but don't expect them to suddenly see the error of their ways.
If moving is an option, I'd hightail outta there fast! You, your husband, and you child should not be subjected to this kind of treatment, under any circumstances. Your parents are clearly toxic people, and they will infect your family. If this continues, your husband will resent you which over time could destroy your marriage. I can only fathom how difficult it must be to make the choice to cut out your parents, especially when a little one is involved. But you have an obligation to protect yourself and your family. I don't see any other way.
I agree with PP who recommended personal counseling to help you get through this. Best of luck to you.
you've been treated ignobly. FWIW, they have a grandson. And they have treated your grandson horrifically.
They also sound like they are impossible to please. Why even bother with them?
And there is alcoholism involved. Not suprising.
I think it would be wise for you to check into AlAnon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
They are toxic and horrific. The sooner you cease contact with them, the better off the 3 of you will be. GL.
ETA: YOur father threatened to kill your H? I think that incident is worthwhile reporting to the police. One never knows.:(
Your family is controlling, toxic, co-dependent, and enmeshed!
Stay away from them! Seriously, your DH is 100% on this - you need to cut them out of your lives in order for your son to grow up healthy and you need therapy to deal with your family issues and not pass this crazy to the next generation (your son).
I would not bother with a letter. Words don't mean anything - actions do. For example, I'm sure your told your dad and mom they wouldn't be a part of your son's life (words) - but your actions allowed your mom back into his life and apparently your dad is involved, too.
Do you live next door to them, or is this an extra property? If it is an extra property - sell it and get your parents out of your business.
Mom tried to call last night, but I didnt answer the phone. She sent me a text that H is trying to keep me away from my family that is why they do not like him, and me cutting them out of my life proves it. I never cut them out of my life until Dad threatened to Kill H. Dad said he was just joking, but he made the comment about H having a hunting accident and they might not find him. H doesnt hunt. I tried at that time for her sake to let her be a part of DS life, but even at that time she didnt really think what I was saying really mattered. You are right though. I do not think a letter will help. They do not feel that I was treated any differently than my brother growing up and I just need to stop saying that they are treating H and I unfairly. Mom even went as far as telling my aunt that DS and I are welcome to Thanksgiving, but H is not. Why would I want to spend the Holidays away from H. He is DS's father, and we will be spending it as a family. I had told dad in the past that he is going to be missing out on an amazing little boy and his life if he chooses to cut us out, but DH is not going anywhere, and he needs to just get over his issues.
I don't even know how much I would engage your mom, but I'd want to reply "No, he isn't keeping me away. YOU and Dad are.".
But.... they aren't going to get it. They just aren't.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
if it will make you feel better write your letter BUT expect that nothing will change.
they're all toxic. you clearly know this.
You know what your mom says is pure nonsense. Again, she isn't a good grandmother to your son. She is a lousy one and you would be doing your son a great disservice by having any contact with them.
Remember your vows you made to your husband. You promised to forsake all others and let no one come between you two. This is what that meant. Your parents are trying to come between you two and are trying to get you to forsake him and pretty much choose them over your husband. Prove to them that you meant what you said on your wedding day and you are not a liar.
Your family is toxic and keeping contact is just enabling their behavior. Every time you cave you prove to them that it is okay to emotionally abuse you. If I am being honest, I would not blame your DH is he left and took your son out of this environment. You are teaching him that it is ok to let people treat you this way and that his father can be threatened.
Think of how they have impacted you, now think of what they are showing your son. How that will effect the person he grows up to be? You have the power to protect him, yourself and stand up for your husband. Do it. Change your numbers today, locks if they have keys, etc.Please get yourself in consoling to work through you family issues and consider selling or renting soon.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Let me share with you something that I've learned the hard way over the course of my life.
Just because you're related to someone does not mean you owe him anything. You didn't ask to be born, much less to your specific family. I know that the proverbial concept of family is "unconditional love and support, no matter WHAT"...but that just not how it is.
People need to EARN your love and respect...your family included. If your family is consistently insulting, belittling, and undermining you, and giving you more headaches than support, then WHY do you keep them in your lives?
You say that you "know" you're getting walked all over, yet you've done nothing to stop it. WHY do you think you DESERVE to be treated this way, especially by the people who are genetically programmed to love you?
I mean this in a non-insulting way, but I think you need some serious therapy to address that very question.
And I also think that IF you choose to keep these toxic people in your lives, you need to establish and maintain very clear and ever-present boundaries with them. (Ex. When you insult my family, I will leave and/or hang up." "When you intervene on my home building projects, I will instruct the contractor to ignore you and report your harassment to the authorities." "When you call my son a bastard, we will not speak again until you make a sincere apology." "When you trespass on my land, I will call the police."
AND FOLLOW THROUGH ON THOSE BOUNDARIES!
OMG im so sorry about your problems with your dad.
My dad didnt show up for my nuptials either and threatend to kill my husband. They actually got along better than i did with my dad, but the turning point was my dad got drunk and stared saying awful things about my mom(hisex-wife whom he still loves) and some things about me and my husband took up for me.
My dad pushed my H and my Hpushed him back then my dad pulled a gun on him and i got involved. It could've been a lot worst so in my opinion you and your husband staying away right now is the smart thing to do. Your fam will eventually come around.