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frustrated with Xmas giving
Let me first say that I appreciate any kind of gifts that we get at the holiday season and I am not trying to say that I don't....
However, my MIL is always on the "hunt" for the perfect gift to someone and goes to great lengths to get these gifts- however, she takes little time to think about how the gift will effect the other memebers of the household etc.
I know they have to pinch their pennies but I feel like she thinks she has to keep up with the joneses or something.
this year she asked me what DH wanted for Xmas. I said he could use some new PJ's, some refills for his Mr Beer Kit and That I was buying him some tools (we ar eclosing on a new home soon) so maybe if she wanted to get him some. I was trying to think of reasonable, affordable gifts that I know he could actually use.
She said she really had a Karokee machine in mind because she knows he loves to go to karokee at a local bar with his friend. We go like once a month or once every other month for karokee with frieends. It's mostly fun because its a night out and away from the house and great to catch up, plus its funny to sing and a good laugh. It's not that we want to start throwing karokee parties. I know her THOUGHT is there because she wants to get him something he enjoys... but she is missing the mark. She said all the "systems" she saw were out of her budget because they were over $350... I have NO IDEA what kind of karokee system she was going to get him....
I mentioned in passing that I was going to get him a few records and maybe if she wanted to get him some because my parents had and old record player they were going to give to us (it was my grandpas) once we moved into our new home.
Well she sent me an email today that we had no "need" for that "old and outdated" record player because she bought DH a brand new one. It's huge. And while it's very generous and nice to think of him.... But right now, we live in 600 square feet. We don't really have room for it at all, and we already were looking forward to the family heirloom we were getting (I have a lot of memories of listening to the records and dancing around with my grampy when I was really young)... I understand her thoughts.... but I feel like in her need to get a big showy gift, she didn't take any recognitiion that now I have to try to find a place to put this thing and it doesn't fit into our current home. Plus we are avoiding accruing more large items right now because we don't know how they will fit into our new home or home decor.
Overally, It seems like a waste of money that I know they NEED right now and it's just a stressor to me trying to figure out how to fit it into our already busting at the seams apartment (we are buying a short sale so it could be months and months before we move...)
I know it seems silly to stress over a freakin record player but it was over $250!! Not to mention, we weren't able to go see his parents this holiday because of finances-- so That $250 would have been nice towards a plane ticket or something for the future...or towards an item for our new home that we will need-- like a new microwave or something more functional.
I am just really frustrated and stressed, not to mention hurt that she seems to want to replace this "old junk" that actually isn't junk to me (and I made this known to her more than once)...
Re: frustrated with Xmas giving
She means well but sometimes meaning well isn't practical.
Don't you hate when people ask for gift ideas and then proceed to ignore them completely? Of course it is the thought that counts, but I always find this weird when people do this. The only thing I can think of is that some people like to give fun gifts vs practical gifts, so maybe she wanted more of a fun gift? It seems as if she means well...
All you can really do is take and say thanks. Don't get rid of the player that has so many memories for you though. Is she the type to ask about gifts later? Returning it and getting what you need could be a possibility if not.
Leaving you and BIL out seems a bit mean spirited though. I could understand when you were just dating and you didn't come to the family celebration, but now that you are I do think you should be included.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
your DH needs to learn the line 'mom I'd like to return this so i need the receipt' and then do it. or for crying out loud tell your DH what she said she bought and he can ask her to return it becuase you are getting one with sentimental value and dont want hers.
otherwise she'll continue.
about the gifts thing with the siblings. It was his sister's idea a few years ago (back when I was still a gf) We don't see his family for the holidays, so we just ship gifts to them (this year at least...)but I do think its totally weird.
My DH didn't think it was odd... he said he was what they "always did" and it means one less gift I have to buy...and I know that his siblings and I don't share the same taste/style/etc or put the same care and effort i put into selecting a gift.... so I know I'd get something I'd throw in a drawer anyway so it doens't really bother me a lot, but I mean, if we were there celebrating xmas with them (which we will be next year).. then I think I will say something. I mean it would be so awkard to just sit there while everyone else exchanges gifts.
Mind you, Even if I did say I wanted to be included--- I did never receive any card/acknowledgment/gift from any of his sibilings for my bridal shower or the wedding... so I am not excpecting anything for the holidays anyway.
Yep, that's exactly what I would say/do. My MIL has insisted on something she wanted to get us a couple of times in the past. We politely but firmly told her we had no use for the items and eventually she stopped.
Oh and how RUDE to not include you! I'm curious to know what your husband thinks.
She is better off asking you and him for a wish list or giving you $200 and say "Enjoy this gift; buy what you need."
he needs to call her and tell her to cancel it. to me this is more of your DH not putting on his big boy pants than anything....
Yes he needs to tell her she needs to cancel it. That is a lot of money to spend on a gift that will be useless and take up space you can't spare. Let him know that you don't care if he feels bad, you don't have the space for the record player especially since you are getting one as a family heirloom.
Tell him it this way, would he rather feel bad by telling her to cancel it now or feel bad when you guys sell / return and she asks where it is ? She is going to feel bad no matter what you do, might as well do this before she spends all that money.
just as an fyi- he doesn't know his mom ordered this. I feel like I can't be like "hey your mom ordered you XYZ for christmas and you have to call her and tell her to CANCEL it..."he has no idea she did this, its a surprise.
and yes @tarpoon- you are right, it makes it uncomfortable 1. because i know they are stretching their budget to afford to send him this and 2. i am SO worried what th ehell my Gift is going to be and 3. we wanted to have a nice small christmas this year-- and we made that known numerous times. So now I feel inadequete that i spent $100 total on his parents! uhhhh
You should not feel inadequate - you are buying what you guys can afford. The fact that his mother feels the need to spend money she doesn't have, as ridiculous as it is, you cannot change that about her. But don't think you then have to go and spend money you don't have just to keep up.
My parents do this - it's gotten to the point where as frustrating as it is for me to see how much they are in debt and yet spending lots of money during the holidays - money that they do not have - I cannot change this about them. They are who they are, and there's nothing I can say or do to stop them from overspending. When they ask me what we want for the holidays, I just tell them we don't really need anything and to not spend too much money....it's really all I can do.
As far as your MIL just disregarding your family heirloom though - that's just plain rude. I would tell her to return/cancel the record player she ordered, tell her that NO, you do not need it and that she should save herself the hassle of having to return it after the fact when your H tells her that NO, you guys do not need a new record player.
you need to tell him. this is a gift to BOTH of you no? since you told her that you were getting your family's old one. that was for both of you-so is this. and tell him taht. discuss it. tell him how you feel and then see if he agrees, if so there's no issue is there? who cares if it's a surprise-it's a surprise probably because she doesn't want him to say no. if it were me i'd blow up the surprise. i would also tell him about the heirloom issue. you dont have to be mean about it but tell him it bothered you.
also i see yuo saying 'i spent 100 on his parents'. where is he in their gift buying?
no it's not a gift to both of us, so I am in fear to see what useless thing I get as a gift from her!!
I say "I" because I did the ordering for their gift this year. I work in an office and my husband is back in school ad working part time but is on the road doing sales calls. So this year I made them an album of all our wedding photos on shutterfly while I was at work..over the last week or two. Plus, I am the primary $$ maker, since he is in Grad school and we still keep our monies seperate so technically it came from "my money". though its really "our money" but you get what I mena, my account-- but that is besides the point.
He thought the album was a great idea, and I had alreayd done one for my parents for my mom's bday- so I just went in and edited some of the photos to include more of his family..
and to answer the other poster-- I agree that doing a "family" activity would be my choice. I always chose "experiences and memory" kind of things over "material items" this year I even did that with my BFF electing to do an activitiy together rather than to buy gifts--- but unfortunately, DH's siblings and parents live 1500 miles away!