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In Law trouble...kind of long.
Hi Nesties,
I am new to the nest but have been lurking for a few days. I could use some advice but warning, this is kind of long...
My husband and I got married about two months ago. We have been together almost four years. I have never had a good relationship with his immediately family and I know I never will. To put it mildly, his mother is straight up crazy and his step ? father seems to go along for the ride. His brother started off okay with me but as his is a male version of his mother, that didn't last long.
From day one, his mother has tried to make our relationship hell. The first day I met her, she told me my H was immature and did nothing but lie. I just responded that he was the kindest person I have ever known. She has the unhealthiest relationship with her sons I have ever seen. She is extremely controlling and does not want to let go of them but at the same time, she doesn't seem to like them as people. She does show a good amount of favoritism to his older brother, but my husband is low life scum according to her. And despite her low opinion of him, I?m still not good enough for him.
She always did what she could to come in between us and cause trouble between us. In the beginning he did not stick up for me but that eventually changed. Two years ago, we moved in together (until this point my H was still living with his parents) and up until our engagement, things were better. It seemed the distance calmed her and we tried having a relationship with his family.
Late last April, my H proposed to me. We had talked about marriage in the past so I did have an inkling this was coming. We decided to get married w/in the same year as I have a lot of family in the military and we wanted them to be able to attend the wedding. When he called his family to tell them we were getting married, she yelled at him so loudly I could hear what she was saying. She kept telling him what a terrible person I was and that he was making a mistake. He told her he wasn't going to listen to that and told her she needs stop.
We were trying to do as much of the decorating and food ourselves as we had a limited budget. We thought asking her to participate would bring her around. His family has a beautiful home with a good chunk of land so we asked if we could have the ceremony/reception there and she said no. I understood as that is her home and we were not upset. We proceeded to make alternate arrangements. I asked if she would like to help make the flower arrangements and she just sent me pictures of arrangements you could buy off ebay. My H asked his brother to be his best man and he would not answer, despite being asked multiple times. My H instead had his best friend serves as best man and just asked that his brother be in the wedding, his brother said yes but never followed through with any other requests to order vests, bachelor party, etc? We had his brother and his girlfriend over for dinner one night and his brother did nothing but insult me in my own home. It was so bad, his girlfriend stepped in to stop them. Following that, my H rescinded his invitation to be in the wedding. We asked his mother to make a special side dish for the reception and she said yes. We checked with her on this multiple times. We also asked if we could use their classic cars and she also said it wouldn't be a problem.
Cut to my bridal shower in August. His mother made things extremely awkward. She kept talking about what a bad child my H was and how unreliable he is. My grandmother (the host) had emailed my H with questions for a Newlywed game and as my grandmother was reading off H answers to the same questions I was asked to match, his mother critiqued everything we said. My other grandmother thanked her for agreeing to make the side dish for the reception and she claimed not to know what she was talking about and said we never asked her. She also said she never agreed to let us use the cars. I was trying not to take the bait so I just said no problem, we will just use our cars and a family friend said she would make the side dish. She then said it was no problem again to make the dish. At the rehearsal dinner, his mother yet again stated that she just found out she needed to do the side dinner (despite several discussions over the last six months).
At my H bachelor party, his brother called me a ?fat dog? directly in front of my step ? father, one of my brothers, and my H. At this point, my H just asked him not to come to the wedding.
My mother bought his mother a mother of the groom dress to wear to the wedding as she knew they were short on money. (Despite the chunk of land and classic cars, neither of his parents are working, both were laid off and never found jobs) and she never thanked my mother despite having no problem taking the dress or talking about how sensitive my family was (referring to his brother?s remarks about me).
On the day of the wedding when she saw me in my dress, she said I looked better than she expected because the dress didn't look like much in the pictures. The photographer decided to take a picture at this time and said jokingly ?pretend you love each other.? To which his mother replied, ?not even on this day.? Following the pictures after the ceremony, my SIL said she saw my H brother among the guests and asked if we had re invited him, we hadn't. I said let it go, my H would probably like that he showed up in the long run. However, at the reception his family refused to participate in any dances (other than the mother/son) and harassed people about the side dish. Did they like it? She didn't have long to make it since she just found out she was supposed to last minute, etc?She and her husband also made comments to people from my side that she ?lost her son? and that they were ?outcasts.? We blew all of this off because we weren't going to let it ruin our day.
A few days after the wedding, she posted a picture of me, my H and she and her husband on Facebook. My H brother was not in the picture because at the point the pic was taken, I didn't know he had shown up and he left right after the ceremony anyway. She caption it ?I guess a brother isn't part of the grooms family? and people proceeded to comment about what a horrible *** I was and to keep me out of any family pictures in the future. Some even threatened to ?kick my ass.? My H had enough can told them because of this; he doesn't want to have anything to do with them anymore. Not until they apologize to me directly and treat me with respect.
My H hoped that they would come around, especially around the holidays. The few times he even spoke to his brother resulted in more fighting because ?me and my family changed my H and now my H is whipped.? The last time he spoke to his brother, his brother told him his parents decided to sell his classic car in order to pay on their mortgage since they are behind. His dad (who died almost 14 years ago) bought that car for them to work on together and it broke my H?s heart. They had other cars they could have sold or either of them could have gotten a job but they were just being cruel. I feel so bad for my H because he is heart broken and I can?t help but feel guilty. I don?t know how to make him feel better. Should I urge him to see his family? I would prefer that I not have a relationship with them but should I? We've been burned by them so many times but I don?t want him to be heartbroken. Any advice?
Re: In Law trouble...kind of long.
You've been around for FOUR years. When are you expecting this magical event to happen? I don't mean to sound snarky- but you've got to start working w/ reality. Not what you WANT reality to be.
They aren't going to "come around". Your wedding isn't going to change them, the holidays isn't going to change them. ANd I'll tell yo unow- if you have kids - that will not change them either.
As far as what to do - you have to realize that these are choices THEY are making. You aren't forcing them to be a$$holes. You have no reason to feel guilty. No- don't "urge" your DH to see his family. Take a step back and follow his lead. If he doesn't want to see them, support that. If he does want to see them, support that as best you can w/o doing more harm to yourself.
What I mean by that is that if YOU need to create some boundaries and if you don't want to subject yourself to them, YOU can say "I'm not going with you to see them", or "No, I won't have them over for dinner".
It's not your responsibility to navigate his relationship w his family. It's really not. So.... no, you don't need to urge him to see them. That's on him and that's on them. It's not your "job" as his wife to do this for him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry, he will be heartbroken by what exactly? Not having to deal with toxic people? You need to guide your H into counseling ASAP. He needs the tools to help him shake these people. It's unfortunate that this is his family but family or not he doesn't need to put up with this.
I hope you think long and hard before ever having them around any future children.
As to the classic car, has it been sold yet? Who's name is on the title? If his name was or is on the title at anytime he may have a claim to the vehicle. Or he should call his mother and ask how much they are selling it for and then just buy it himself. But I wouldn't trust them and would ask someone to buy it (with his money) and then sign the title over. I highly doubt they have sold the car yet, sounds like another screw you little Bro to me.
You can't make your husband feel better - his family are assh*les, nothing anyone can do about that and it must suck for him to realize that.
No, don't urge him to have a relationship with them. Urge the opposite, for both of your sakes.
Thanks for the input. And yes, they have already sold the car. It was still in his deceased father's name. His brother told him after they sold it. They are part of a classic car club so it's not really hard to find a buyer.
H did see his primary last week and he told him that he believes H is depressed and referred him to a psychiatrist. I would not be surprised. These people have always been horrible to him. I never understood how such a wonderful man came from such a horrible family. He said it was different when his father was alive.
As far as future children, we have talked about it and so long as they act this way they won't see any future children. The sad part is H says his mother's MIL treated her the same way and he doesn't understand why she continues the cycle.
She did the same thing with his brother's ex fiance as well. So I don't understand his behavior either. I'm guessing when I'm no longer around to bash, the brother's new girlfriend will get the brunt of it. Good luck to her.
Classic Car people are usually a nice bunch, he could always ask around and see if the buyer would be willing to sell. Or in the future he could buy another car and start over and think of his Dad while fixing it. I did grow up around the circuit and this happens more than you think.
As to the cycle of MIL h3!!, I have no idea why they keep it going. My MIL treats me the same way her MIL did. But I'm not the same person she is and I refuse to put up with the crap and we no longer have anything left to say to each other.
I hope your H gets what he needs from counseling.
Counseling for him, because this was a more than toxic and horrific atmosphere for him to grow up in. I will bet you he was bullied by her as he was growing up.