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Mother-in-law HELP
Hi all -
I am so happy I found this board! I am desperate for some advice regarding my mother-in-law. Sorry in advance for the lengthy post....I just want to make sure to include as much info as possible.
My husband and I have been happily married for almost 3 years (and dated for 3 years prior to getting hitched). Let me start by saying I absolutely adore and love my husband! He is a great partner, my best friend and a wonderful father to our 7 month old daughter. We really have a fabulous relationship....but there is one issue that continues to bring stress and negativity into our lives and that is my mother-in-law.
When my husband and I started dating, his mom and I got along great. Things started to deteriorate when he and I moved away from his mom and moved in together. When we started dating, we all lived in Florida - Tampa and Ft. Lauderdale - but about 1.5 years into the relationship he and I decided to relocate to Philly, PA (my family all lived in the northeast and most of his family does too - with the exception of his mom). Then he and I got engaged and things seemed to get worse. And then married and struggles in the relationship continue.
She has admittedly had a "hard time with letting him go" (he comes from a fairly traditional Italian family and he is the only son with a younger sister) but.good Lord! We've been together 6 years and I am so tired of this!
I know it was a rough adjustment for her to realize that she wasn't the main woman in her son's life anymore when he and I got serious and moved in together. She would get jealous and angry when he and I would make decisions together that did not revolve around her. When planning our wedding, she was extremely opinionated and would tell us what to do and who to invite. When she didn't get her way, she would lash out at my husband and tell him he was a terrible son and disrespectful. Since we have been married, she continues to "test" my husand's loyalty....putting him in positions where he has to defend or side with her or me....he always stands by me which is great but it builds her animosity towards me.
This past Thanksgiving holiday was the breaking point for me. My husband and I (we now live in Western NY) traveled to Philadelphia (where she now lives along with other members of his family - sister, aunts/uncles, cousins) to spend the holidays with his family. Let me add here that I get along GREAT with the rest of his family - his dad and aunts/uncles and grandma and cousins LOVE me and I love them. Anyway, we were at his mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner and I found a framed picture in her living room THAT I WAS CUT OUT OF! Yes, you heard it right - she actually cut me out of a picture, framed it and put it in her living room. And the kicker is the picture was from our engagement party - almost as bad as cutting me out of a wedding picture. To make a long story short, we confronted her about the picture and my husband let her know that it really hurt both of our feelings. Well, she flipped out and didn't understand why we were making such a big deal of this. She attempted to give me an apology but it was the most insincere apology I have ever gotten in my life. It was basically a bunch of excuses ("I didn't do it meliciously", "I wanted a picture of just my family", "I didn't do it to hurt your feelings") with an "I'm sorry" tacked on to the end of it. All while she was raising her voice and pointing her finger in my face. Needless to say, she is EXTREMELY hard to talk to. She always gets defensive and starts yelling and cursing. My huband has tried to confront her before about some of these issues but it usually ends in her screaming, cutting him off and telling him what a terrible son he is and how she "doesn't know him anymore".
In the midst of our discussion about this, company walked in so we never got to finish the conversation. My husband and I are now back homein Western NY and wondering where do we go from here? We have found out from others in his family that both his mom and sister are mad at us because they think we were blowing things out of proportion and picking a fight. Really??!! Had the roles been reversed his mom and sister would have been DISGUSTED and we would have never heard the end of it.
So what do I do? I wish I could just cut them out of my life but I cannot make that decision because they are my husband's family. And I would never put him in a position to choose either them or me because I don't think that is fair (even though I know he would pick me). Suggestions anyone? I am desperate to come to some sort of resolution! I have to be able to co-exist with his mom and sister for the rest of life so have to find a way to make it work.
Thank you!
Re: Mother-in-law HELP
It's good that your husband has spoken up, but clearly that only gets him so far. Going forward, I would recommend he communicate consquences for poor behavior. "Mom, if you continue to treat me and my wife this way you will not see much of us anymore." And this isn't exactly an ultimatum - think about it... if someone is crappy to you everytime you're around them, you tend to NOT want to be around them, right? It's a logical solution. Most important though, he needs to follow through.
She pithces a fit? So be it. As long as you allow her to manipulate you, guilt you, or simply intimidate you into backing down, she will always win.
This is her problem and it needs to be made her problem from now on.
This is a woman who is having a tough time getting it that her son is a son until he took a wife.
Somebody in that family needs to sit down with her -- a third party impartial person -- and tell her to pipe down. She needs to get it once and for all that she is disruptive and hurtful and that she's acting like a middle schooler.
She probably won't listen to your H -- she'll either clam up, shut down, put up an argument or put the ole Italian Catholic guilt trip on him.
You and your H could tell her jointly, "mom, we love you but not your outrageous and hurtful behavior. Push comes to shove and until you understand that you need to cut it out once and for all and start treating us cordially and like equal adults, we will not be in contact with you."
And then you and he do precisely that --- cut her out of your lives until she proves she will no longer behave unacceptably.
If she is religious, she should speak to her clergyperson. Any cleric worth his or her salt will tell you that the vow is "forsaking all others" and that once a son or daughter marries his or her spouse the son or daughter bedomes a whole new family unit with the spouse -- and that one's first obligation is to his or her spouse.
Wishing you luck with this -- the both of you keep on standing together on this and you'll be fine. GL.
Stand your ground.
I had a similar thing happen. My IL's were making a picture family tree with them, H's sibling, and our child. They were just going to put H in the family tree without me as the parent to my child. Luckily my FIL piped up to MIL, and they just used a wedding picture with both of us in there.
I agree a third party needs to get involved. Do you know anyone you can recruit? Otherwise I don't know if my H would have said something in the story above if FIL didn't. I was just planning to roll my eyes and laugh it off, but I also don't have any past issues with the IL's, so I don't have that history.
I don't think I would cut them out of your life, but you can decrease the interaction with them to the bare minimum while still remaining polite.
My mother-in-law and I are in a very similar situation. My husband is an only child and his mother was a single mother. Needless to say she has had a hard time letting go. Didn't even speak to me on the wedding day and wore white to the wedding. For me, I limit my direct contact with her.
I suggest that you just try to let things roll. You do have to live with her for the rest of your life. Your husband takes your side, and has proven that he will chose you but do not make him actually do it. It sounds like she will never see what her problem is and why her behavior is out of line. Just try to limit your time with her and maintain your cool as best you can.
Pick your battles.
I get that there is a ton of history here which makes the situation worse... but how bad is this one specific event? Were you just expecting to get offended, and this happened to fill that need?
And why does this treatment still surprise you after 6 years? You haven't learned anything in 6 years? Six years should have been plenty of time for you to develop some coping mechanisms and a thicker skin.
Here's how it sounded to me: MIL was not trying to flaunt the picture in front of you. You said yourself that you "found" the picture, which sounds like maybe it wasn't really that large of a photo or in a very prominent position. She cropped a photo and stuck it in a frame and keeps it in her house. You don't get to control what people do with their photos, even their photos of you.
Was it the nicest thing she could have done with the photo? No. Is cropping you out weird? Yes. But if she would have taken a picture of just her, your H, and your SIL, (so there's no you to crop out), I bet you'd still be offended at not being included in the photo.
Yes it's frustrating and hurtful. As you pointed out, though, you have chosen to continue to coexist with them. So pick your battles. Give yourself time to decide if the event is really worthy of a confrontation before you bring it up. Once you (or your H) say something, it can't be un-said.
If you really meant it when you said you "have to find a way to make it work," was picking a fight over a photo your way of getting along with her? Did you think that was going to help your already strained relationship?
I appreciate your feedback and I agree, I need to pick my battles. The photo was in a prominent place..on a center table in her family room so it really wasn't difficult to pick out. I wasn't trying to "pick a fight over a photo" but trying to let her know that what she did hurt my feelings. In the past, I have done my best to let most things slide. She has said and done countless inappropriate things that I haven't said a word about (except in confidentiality to my husband). I guess the photo was the breaking point for me. It was the "straw that broke the camel's back" so-to-say. I don't want to continue allowing her to treat me this way. I don't what her to think she can walk all over. So should I have just swallowed my hurt feelings and said nothing? Maybe.