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Is this odd?
My husband has two sets of aunts/uncles who live out of state (one set only lives out of state part of the year, the other set permanently moved about 4 years ago). The other night at dinner with my ILs, my husband said "I would really like to visit Uncle Bob and Aunt June some time soon. I also have to get a visit in with Uncle Rich and Aunt Stacy, they've been asking me for years." My FIL said "Well if you go, we will go too!"
Now, of course they are my FILs brothers so I don't find it odd that he would want to visit them, not in the slightest. However, my ILs have never once visited either, nor do they intend to... unless we go. They do the same thing with family get togethers (local)... "If you're not going, we aren't either."
It's odd to both of us. And quite frustrating. We'd really like to visit his family alone. Reason being is 1 - My ILs have become increasingly difficult to be around (intrusive questions, rude comments, etc - Yes, my husband has tried talking to them about it but it's in one ear, out the other) and 2 - They are overbearing when we're around. We wouldn't be able to kick back, relax, hang out alone, etc if they were to tag along.
I'm not necessarily looking for advice (if you got it, lay it on me!)... more just asking the question... Is it just us, or is this really odd?
Re: Is this odd?
I don't know that I see this as "right" or "wrong". Just different to how I do things!
That being said - take this as a lesson learned. Don't tell them your plans.
And I'll also say this (due to MY lessons learned) - if at least the first time you plan a trip, you feel you have to let them know, travel seperately. Don't take one car. Have at least that much freedom/flexibility available to you.
That alone MIGHT keep them from going - you never know.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes he does and think's it getting worse over time. Here is what happened during the last visit to give you an idea of why they are tough people (not all terrible, but certainly unnverving):
1 - DH got a new job, we are thrilled. He's telling his parents about it. He will be working in insurance. His Mom says the following: "What are you gonna do? Go door to door and push insurance on people that don't want it? I bet you're gonna have to work late. Are they going to make you buy THEIR insurance? No? Yeah, we'll see about that..." Very nasty tone of voice, very clearly not happy for her son and this huge accomplishment.
2 - Still talking about the job, my DH tells him parents he has to travel out of state for two weeks for training. I said "I would really like to make the trip down over the weekend to see him." His Dad says "I'll come visit you during the week." DH says "No, I'm going to be working during the week." FIL says "So?" Snarkily.
3 - For the second time since Thanksgiving (meaning the second time I've seen or spoken to her) my MIL asks me about my "periods and lady parts." I ignored her and husband is having a conversation with her about asap. She has also mentioned sex, contraception, and quitting her job once we have kids so she can "stay home and watch her babies."
4 - MIL also said "If I won the lottery I would build an addition on your house so we can move in." Not an offensive comment obviously. But damn, shut up. She has diarrhea of the mouth so this is after a running stream of conciousness about how she hates people with money.
5 - I told my ILs that I ordered duck the night prior when we went out. My FIL responds "Really? That's strange. Because I asked Mr. Jemma just recently if you liked duck and he said 'no'." I'm sure in print this doesn't look bad. But his tone was... menacing. Almost taunting. I felt like he was implying we don't know each other all that well or somthing silly like that. It's subtle and I have no idea what his intentions are so I have no right to make a stink. But it rubbed me the wrong way.
6 - Our pro wedding pics came in about 5 weeks ago. They have yet to look at them. Granted, there are a lot of pictures. I wouldn't expect people to look through them all in one sitting (if at all). BUT - a running theme with my FIL is making us look through pictures that HE takes. And I'm talking 100s of pictures, 1-2 hours of just sitting there, him describing each picture. So, during this visit, rather than take a peek at some wedding pictures, he showed us pictures of his "poor boat" and the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. We're midly annoyed for the obvious reason of not caring to look at pictures of your son's wedding. But the other thing is - Dude. People are dead. People's homes are demolished. Your boat has a scratch on it. We don't need to have a 20 minute pity party over your boat. Get over it.
Now, this was in a few hours time. An extended trip with this the entire time is too much for either of us to bear. Don't get me wrong, they aren't bad people, just too much to handle for a long period of time. Aside from snarky/rude/intrusive comments/questions, they hover over us whenever we're around. But the worst part is, despite all this, they are the selfish one's. We both feel they want us around to talk AT us, not WITH us. Kind of like we're there for their entertainment. Every conversation is about them, their houses, their money woes, their damn boat, their jobs, their families, the list goes on.
Sorry this got long, just trying to give you an idea of what they're like. Maybe it will make more sense why we think the whole travelling with us thing is odd. But more than that, help you understand why we don't want to travel with them period.
It seems like from your examples that they are just odd people in general, or selfish, or just people you don't really want to hang out with much. That's perfectly fine. When my dad was being a jerk during a visit, guess what the next time he wanted to come I was too busy. I really actually was too busy too, so it worked out, but I wasn't going to make time for someone to be rude to me.
So anyway, plan your trip and don't tell them. Let them find out not at all or after the fact. Just stop bringing it up, and if you don't want to do local things with them as well then stop bringing up the local stuff you are planning on doing.
It also sounds like they might be just a little over dependent on you. I don't have any great ideas on this, but you might try to foster a little of their independence or at least ask them why they won't attend a local family event without you there, and go from there.
Agreed with PP's in saying STOP telling them your plans. If they don't know what you're plans are, then they can't plan around your plans. They hear your plans through the grape-vine? So what. Just be vague with your responses to them. The best part about them not hearing plans through the source and instead a middle-man is the details can always change!
With this scenario, since the beans were already spilled in front of them about your trip, I would just tell DH to tell them you two are taking a trip alone. Their feelings get hurt? So what. Have DH say something like, "Oh, we'll have to all go there in the future sometime.." or something vague like that.