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I babysit for free, now my neighbor wants me to pay her daughter?
My neighbor and I have been swapping sitting services for the last four years. Our now seven year old DDs get along great and it gives us all an easy way to have a much needed night out. Recently, I have been watching her DD after school a few afternoons a month (I work from home) and occasionally on a weekend. No money has ever changed hands for these sitting services.
A few months ago, DH had a last minute business dinner and I was invited. The neighbors were busy, so they asked if we wanted their older daughter to sit and told us her rate (this daughter is a college freshman). Since I desperately wanted to get out (and dinner was paid for!), I agreed. Now, though, it seems we have opened a can of worms and every time we ask if they can watch our DD, they seem to always be busy and offer their daughter's services instead - at her going rate.
We really can't afford both a sitter AND a night out. I also feel very resentful that they want us to pay, yet have never offered to pay ME for all the afternoons and weekends. Their older DD is in classes at the time I am watching their younger one, but I almost feel that they should offer to pay her fee when we need a sitter. I am terrible at confrontations and I'm not sure what to do here. Any ideas?
Re: I babysit for free, now my neighbor wants me to pay her daughter?
The very first thing that comes to my mind is her being a freshman college student she could be a typical student. And that would be a broke student. Maybe they just do that to help out their daughter and it doesn't honestly have anything to do with you guys.
Don't bring it up. But the next time they ask for a babysitter instead of offering up free services why don't you say "sure here are my rates" and maybe they will catch on and understand trading off free services is way better.
Hmmm, this is awkward. I can see that the college age daughter needs to be paid for her services.
However, it sounds like what has suddenly happened is that you are still helping your neighbor out with child care for free, but she is not returning the favor the way that she was initially?
Next time that she offers up her older daughter's services, could you tell her that you don't have it in the budget to pay to go out plus pay for a babysitter? If I were you, I would become increasingly resentful of watching her child if the favor is no longer being returned. If it doesn't change, I would probably find myself less available to watch her daughter.
It probably is that they're trying to help their college-age daughter out by getting her a paying gig- but I also think that they've changed the terms from you-help-me-I'll-help-you to you-help-me-you-help-my-daughter. And even if they really haven't been available on those nights- I feel like if someone was watching my kid for free, I'd feel really bad about asking them to do it again before I felt like I'd returned the last favor, you know? If it were me, the next time they called asking if I could watch their seven-year-old, I'd say simply, "I'm sorry, that just won't work for us." I also would generally expand the number of babysitters you have on hand to call- you might find a few more families that were willing to trade off with you, or other sitters with different rates.
I don't think it needs to be a confrontation, but I think if they were to question it or press for why you weren't available the last three times they called, I might say simply, "I enjoyed trading nights babysitting you when it was just that- us trading. We like hiring your daughter as a babysitter, but we also want to have a variety of people to call when we need a sitter."
I think you need to ultimately bring it up. I know it's hard, but try to find a way of wording it that it isn't "confrontation". You've been given a couple ideas already.
Another idea is to be VERY honest w/ them, but said in a very gentle way - the next time they ask for you to sit, tell them "I have to be honest about this because I'm finding myself getting upset and I REALLY don't want to be upset. We started swapping sitting w/ each other to help one another out, and I really enjoyed doing this. However, lately, it seems as if you all aren't available and you always offer up your DD. Clearly, we love using your DD. But I feel that our original terms have changed - we sit for you for free, but we have to pay for your DD to watch. I fully understand that you all are busy and if the swap will no longer work, that's fine. But in turn, we need to work something else out.".
Good luck - I know this is hard.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. I will go one further and say if cant afford the date you can't afford the sitter. I offer no sympathy.
While I think it's perfectly fine for a college age babysitter to expect to be paid for her services, I completely see your point - it was an even exchange, but it no longer is. So you know how you make it even? You stop watching her kid. You'll likely seem petty if you request to be paid (you are presumably a grown woman, not a broke college student), so I would just stop the situation altogether.
Next time the neighbor needs you to watch her young daughter, I would simply say "I really wish I could help, but I don't think our babysitting swap is working for us anymore. I'd like to still call your older daughter to babysit from time to time, and of course I will pay her when I do. But it doesn't make sense for me to be paying for babysitting while you are still getting it for free, and so I think it is best that we both persue other options."