Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
More family issues...
Well, I have posted here twice now about my family leaving DH and I out of family gatherings and ingoring my phone calls. All of this started shortly after my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer last month.
Unfortunately she passed away on Thursday, the 6th. My mom didn't want to talk to me, so she asked my older sister to call and tell me the news. My grandmother lived two and a half hours south of us, so my mom and aunts went down there Friday to start making arragements. I called her twice Friday and once Saturday morning to see how she was doing, but she never answered or returned my phone calls. There was a memorial service to be held at my grandma's church on Sunday. Saturday night I got a text from my mom asking if DH and I would drive my younger sister down there (she was staying with her dad), and I said of course. I then tried to call her to ask how she was doing, but she sent my call to voice mail after one ring. Again, I left a message saying I hope she was managing ok, and that I was there if she needed to talk to anyone.
Sunday at the service, she gives me a small hug, but doesn't really say anything to me. Her and her sisters made a poster full of pictures from my grandmother's life. It has pictures of her parents, siblings, daughters, grand-daughters(my sisters), and great-grand-daughter(my neice). But NONE of me and/or DH. None at all. And I KNOW that she had pictures with us, we took 3 alone at our wedding, and then 2 more the last time we saw her in November. On top of that, there were no pictures of me with grandma, and I know some exist because I lived with her for 5 years when I was younger. I was heartbroken that my family excluded me; it was like they didn't even care that I was a part of the family.
We all went back to her house afterward for a family dinner, but no one really talked to DH or myself except for my older sister. I was kind of hoping grandma's passing would bring us all together, but it feels like my family wants even less to do with me now. I still have no clue what I did wrong that made my mom ignore me in the first place... I don't really want to bring it up, because I feel like it will make me look like I think me not getting enough attention is more important than my grandmother passing away, which it isn't. I just feel so sad that the only people that are trying to make me feel better are DH and my sister. I really don't know what to do. 
Re: More family issues...
Please know that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My advice-
First, wait. Your mom is dealing w/ a HUGE loss and you need to give her some time. Some of her behavior may be out of stress/grief.
Second, in your other post you told us that you are Jehovah's Witness and your family is not. I don't know when you converted, etc, but I would suspect that this has something to do w/ your mom's behavior. And as such - I think you need to bring it up. Not "why are you excluding me" but a "what is it about my religion that you're having a problem with and how can I help you deal w/ it/ understand it?".
I don't know very much about your religion, but in doing a quick reading - there is a belief in keeping seperate, minimizing interaction with non- witnesses. In what I read, it says "They believe that only their religion represents true Christianity, and that other religions fail to meet all the requirements set by God and will soon be destroyed.".
I don't know how religious your mom is, but if she's pretty religious... I can see how your views and HER understanding of your views may be a part of the - if not the whole - problem.
I think if YOU bring up what the real issue is, you're going to get a lot further w/ her than if you hide behind this "why am I being excluded???". Because it's easy to blow that off and not really give you an answer. But if you're more upfront and direct w/ the issue - your mom might be more open and direct herself.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And your mother just lost her mother. Relax. and please don't bother her about 'there weren't any photos of me or DH in there' right now. later, when the dust settles and you work out whatevers bothering her then MAYBE bring it up if it's still really bothering you-but honestly-that sounds kind of petty to me.
I am not going to say anything about it to my mom for a while. DH and I are inviting her and my little sister over for dinner this week and probably every week for the next couple of months, just so my mom won't have so much stuff going on, and also to help my little sister get through this. I am going to wait for time to pass- if my mom is lashing out because of her greif, it will go away by itself. But if it continues for a long time, I think I will ask her what really is bothering her and if there is anything I can do to help fix it.
But you also have to be prepared for a possible harsh reality - there may be no more "being close" and "being included" if your religion is leading you to miss out on family events. I'm only saying this because the PP mentioned it - but birthdays are the perfect example. I don't know about you personally or your mom, but just in general terms - if you don't celebrate birthdays and this means you don't go to your family's celebrations, but your mom thinks these are important - SHE may feel excluded/shunned by you.
This is actually to where I wanted to say earlier "You have to step out of yourself". Right now you're looking at this through your eyes only. YOU are being excluded. But you need to take a broader look at how your choices in your life may be affecting your mom and the rest of your family. While you're crying that you're being excluded, your mom may be crying the exact same thing!
But if you don't step outside of yourself to realize this, acknowledge it and deal w/ the bigger issue, there will be no resolution. IF resolution is even possible. It might not be!
I just feel like the probable elephant in the room is your religion and even YOU seem to not want to address it. If you don't, then you and your mom will probably forever talk around it and never gain any understanding at all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oops. I didn't see your response to me. Sorry. For future reference, hit quote for the reply you're responding to and then answer all the way at the bottom. When I see a wall of text and multiple posts w/in a post - I don't actually read it.
Anyhow. Losing someone close to you can really wreak havoc on you. Things your mom may have felt o.k with may now seem different to her. She just lost her mom and she may be grieving the things they won't have together anymore, and in turn, perhaps grieving what she's lost with you. She won't get to celebrate birthdays and holidays (Heck- Christmas is almost here!) w/ her mom anymore because her mom died, and then she's realizing that she's already lost that with you - but you're still alive - and it's just too much for her to handle right now.
Just more food for thought. And again, sorry - didn't see your reply before my other response.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hmmm...considering the JW angle does put a different spin on it. How many times did you see your family before on a non-celebration event? For some of my family, not very often. And the holidays are so special and so full of memories. It could be that she feels resentful that you have missed so many special occasions, and of course, time with your grandma at those events. It has to be hard not seeing your daughter at those times. While I would respect someone's decision about that, I can't pretend it wouldn't hurt to have someone so close to me ignore all holidays.
I do think you need to address this, but let her grieve first.
I really try my hardest to spend time with my mom at least once or twice a month. I will go out to lunch with her and my sisters, invite her over for dinner, cook for her at her house, or go grocery shopping with her (it's kind of a tradition in our family). I really do try to make time for her, and not just when it's convenient for me, as another PP suggested. When we can't get together in person (she travels a bit for work) we will email, text, call, or skype. I honestly don't see how she can say she "lost" me. She sees me more now than she would if we did celebrate Holidays (my family ONLY gets together for easter, thanksgiving, and christmas. it's like during the rest of the year we don't exist).
I am just going to wait to see if she goes back to normal in the next few weeks/months- possibly after her greiving time is over. We had a great relationship before grandma came to visit in November. So I really don't know what happened then... Maybe my mom is just in shock or something. I'm hoping that's all it is, because I liked having a good relationship and mutual respect as far as our beleifs go.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I do think waiting for your mother to grieve and then asking about your religion is good (it should be brought up even if things do not improve).
How strict of a JW are you? I had a friend growing up that was JW. We had wonderful conversations about religion on our walks home from school. Her and her sisters went to friends birthday parties. They never had any of their own but did have the occasional movie or pool party during the summer. Their parents let them have gifts from their grandparents (since one set was Catholic) for Birthdays and Christmas. It was important that they still acknowledge the Catholic part of the family by not excluding them/ completely rejecting them. This ment so much to that part of the family. But they were more liberal JW because they did this.
The things that they did not go to and did not celebrate were Halloween, Christmas (no singing Christmas songs while they were in choir), Thanksgiving, Easter or Christmas. To make up for the lost celebrations during Thanksgiving and Christmas time they would have big get togethers with their family sans gift and normal traditions.
Not sure if that helped. I kind of rambled. Hopefully things get better.
Does your Mother have a history of passive aggressive behavior? Grieving or not I'm clearly seeing a pattern here. It seems that your choice of religion has made you a non member of your family. I can't imagine as they went through photos they found none of you. Most Mothers reach out to ALL children when a family member passes, your Mother only talked on the phone to you when she needed a ride of her other child. She seems to be punishing you and it's passive aggressive at its best.
I am sorry for your lost and for the way you are being treated. Don't hold out on hope that this may change.
I like to think that DH and I are "strict" JWs. We used to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my mom's side of the family, but then my grandma stopped coming up from central FL for it and my aunt stopped coming down from AL for it, so we stopped going too, and set aside another day to see everyone. This was usually a week or so after Easter, since everyone got together for that and stayed in town for a while.
We don't go to birthday parties, holiday parties, or participate in gift exchanges. HOWEVER, we feel like we make up for these things by buying my family members random gifts throughout the year, and inviting different people over for dinner or small parties at our place, so we can still see everyone on a regular basis. We often have my little sister and neice over for sleep-overs, to make them feel special, since we feel like they are too young to understand really why DH and I don't celebrate certain things with them. We accept gifts from family members if they want to give us something for our birthday or christmas, but my family has stopped giving us such gifts- they will save it for our anniversary (which is the only thing JWs celebrate) or any random day. If there is a special church service (like my grandma's memorial service/funeral) we will go, but we will not visit any of my family's various churches for any other reason, but very few of them go to church anyway, so this is a non-issue.
Like I said before, I really think DH are doing a good job at not excluding my family, especially my mom's side, since there are so few of us (just me, two sisters, my mom, and her two sisters, and all of the hubbys). We see them pretty often, and we keep in touch weekly for the most part. We share important things to us (like the memorial of Jesus' death) with them, and try to always send them anniversary gifts and cards, since it's the only thing we celebrate, and never want them to feel left out. And when we get together with DH's family (who are all JWs) we always invite at least my mom and sisters, so they always feel welcome.
Well I don't have a lot of advice for you. Since everything started with Grandma in November, it seems like something happened then. Unfortunately like pp mentioned you can't really ask your mom about this right now and make Grandma's death all about you. I would recommend waiting 4-6 months and see if things turn around, if not then I would ask then. I do feel like the different religions could be an issue or that something specifically happened around the November time frame. Its hard to believe that if you really think about it you can't think of anything going wrong at that time to at least have a guess at it.But people act strange for a lot of different reasons, and if you didn't do anything wrong it very well can be all about her and what she is going through/ feeling.
JWs do not celebrate Thanksgiving because we are united in worship and practices. Since JWs in Africa or South America or Australia (or any other country) don't celbrate Thanksgiving, JWs in North America don't either. This is also a reason we don't celebrate nationalistic Holidays (like 4th of July).
Reading your response to me seems to of hit a nerve. I could be wrong on that since I can't hear your tone of voice. That wasn't my intention.
I get that you are trying and possibly trying hard. I was giving an example of my experience. In not saying you should compromise your beliefs. I understand why you have those beliefs as a JW.
Like PP mentioned you may not be doing as good of a job of making up for those missed holidays and birthdays. From what you told us these problems stem from your grandmother getting ill and you being a JW now. You and your family will have to talk all this out and come to a new understanding (since you said you already had an understanding). It will most likely be a long road and something that will have to be worked on through the years. Like what happens when you have kids? Will you allow your non JW family to send cards and gifts to them because you are strict JW? This may be a concern of your moms. You can't force them to stop sending you gifts because that's what they believe. They also can't force you to come celebrate holidays with them. You need to be thankful and nice when they do send gifts. Just like they should be gracious and understanding why you don't want to join in on The 4th of July.
I did not mean to sound stern or harsh at all- sorry if I did! It is hard to infer tone in text form...
As far as kids go, we will allow the non-JW relatives to send cards/gifts to our children, because that is how DH was raised with his non-JW family. It seems like a good compromise to us. We will probably allow our children to go to less "religion" oriented holiday gatherings (like they will be allowed to go to thanksgiving dinner, but not christmas or easter parties) if my parents really want them to be there.
Thats good. Be sure to let your family know. I'm sure this will ease some concerns they may have about you being a JW. Good luck and I hope it all turns out ok.
I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet, but is it also possible that your family is giving you the cold shoulder because you are trying to proselytize them a lot when you see them? Or are you leaving JW literature at their houses? (I have had this happen before when I invited some friends of a family member to my house for a shower. When everyone left, I discovered someone left JW literature on my bed!)
Maybe they don't know how to respectfully deal with this and are uncomfortable with it (if it is something you do).
If this is the case, then you have a choice to make - less time with the family as a result of your religious convictions. More time with the family and less strict JW beliefs. Or, more time with the family and finding a faith that permits family time, even with non-believers, believers of other denominations, etc.
I'm trying to think of what it would be like if one of my daughters who up until their 20's gladly celebrated birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving (seriously, what's the deal with Thanksgiving - it's not even a religious holiday?), New Years, etc. and then suddenly one day became religious and refused to acknowledge or celebrate their or our birthdays or family holidays.
And that would effing hurt. I'm sorry, but it would. And I wonder how I would feel about my daughter refusing to acknowledge things that are important to me and were up until then important to her as well for reasons I didn't understand or agree with. I don't think that any amount of "education" about her new religion would make me feel any better about it.In an ideal world it would, but realistically I don't think that is a fair expectation that you are putting on your family.
You weren't included in a lot of family events. Do you really wonder why? You weren't included on the photo board - just don't even bring it up. You're right, it will look like you are drawing attention away from your grandmother's funeral and onto yourself.
Your line of: I just feel so sad that the only people that are trying to make me feel better are DH and my sister. - your mother just lost her MOTHER. She is grieving, the issues between the two of you are incredibly minor whilst this is going on, you need to support her.
Just my opinion, as I'm sure others will likely disagree, but I think that the best way forward in this with your family is to be frank with them - you apologize that your change in religion has made things difficult and has changed things for them, but it is important to you and you appreciate the steps that they have taken to understand that. You love them very much and, despite these awkward changes, they are still very much a part of your life and you don't want that to change. Now, how about I bring over some dinner to yours this weekend? Shall I pick up a movie on the way over?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I pretty much already answered all of the questions here and said everything you said I should say/do. Did you read the rest of the discussion before you commented?