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Help with husband who is changing his mind on baby
And yes, I did x post to TheBump.
DH and I have been married for almost 3 years (will be 3 years in Jan.) All during our dating and engagement he expressed want for children. We stayed on BC (The pill) for the first two years+ due to job situations and not wanting a baby right away. We went off of BC in Aug. 2012. All was good, having fun TTC. Now suddenly he says the other night, "He isn't sure he wants kids." He has 100+ fears. A lot of this is anxiety I know that a lot of men go through. However, it is getting to me. Last night, he wanted to have sex, but asked to use a condom because he "did not think it was right to not use BC when he is having doubts."
I am not sure what to do. I am 28 he is 31. A number of our friends already have children (I know this is not a race.) and DH loves spending time with the kids. is great with them, and even said last night "I know I will be a good dad." "I just dont know if I really want children." But it is just taking a toll on me. I feel like it was a bait and switch, that we got married and always planned on having kids and now he is switching sides. I am hurt, sad, etc.
We are financially sound,we both have good jobs with excellent job security and yes, I love him. I love him very much. We did not get married just to have babies, we got married because we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together. it is just that we both thought kids would be part of the package.
Any thoughts? Advice? Anyone else been there?
Thoughts or suggestions on this I can do or say to help.
Re: Help with husband who is changing his mind on baby
people change their minds. it's happened and he's allowed to feel differently than he did years and years ago.
there is a HUGE difference between liking kids and wanting a kid. dh and i love kids but dont want any of our own. your dh, when he was younger, may hae thought that's what he wanted. now that he's in his 30s perhaps not.
i say give him some time. perhaps he will come around. if not you have a choice to make....
As PPs hae mentioned. He is allowed to change his mind. As such, you are also allowed to leave him if a future without children isn't one you want. Neither situation makes a person a jerk, you just want different things in life. That is ok.
I would see if he would open up and talk about his fears and anxieties. Don't try to counter or argue with him, just listen and let him talk. Then give him some time to do some soul searching and see if this is what he truly wants. If he decides that it isn't, then you have the answer.
You did get married because you love each other, you also got married because your goals for the future were the same. Now a few years later his goal of having a child has changed and your has not.
What you have to figure out is how important to you is having a child? Is it a marriage dealbreaker to put a child in the no colum? Think long and hard on this, it's one of the most important life choices to make. Kids are no joke, neither is resenting your spouse for the length of your marriage. Good Luck
I'm sorry- this sounds really tough, for both of you.
I think it would be worthwhile to have a discussion with your husband along the lines of how best you can support each other- because you are both dealing with uncertainty with what the future of your family might look like, and you both deserve space and time and a good listener to help.
I would actually suggest not making this a running dialogue- because just as he might feel pressured to make a decision if you were to make frequent comments about how hurt or sad you felt that he might not want to have children after all, you might feel drained or even jerked around to hear him making frequent "I think I want kids/ I'm not sure/ I'd be a good dad/ I don't know" updates. You might even designate a time- like every Saturday at 3:00 or something- to talk to each other about how you're both feeling, but put the conversation on ice for the rest of the week so you could still focus on other things. Or, this might be a good time to set up a few appointments with a marital counselor- so that you both get a chance to talk through your feelings to an impartial listener.
Best of luck to you.
Is this a deal breaker for you? He is allowed to change his mind, but then again you are allowed to change your mind about being married to a man who does not want children.
It is natural to have fears and children do change your life. Are these things he is willing to talk to you about and so you can come to an agreement of whether he is definitely not ever wanting them?
Also, don't let your age be the thing that makes you feel under pressure to make a decision. You have time to decide what it is you want out in life and if he is worth giving up a dream. It might be something you discuss with a therapist so if you decide to agree with him you aren't resentful.
DH and I have had a similar conversation recently, although I am the one who was debating kids. We have talked about them since we started dating, we even bought a house with the thought of adding two more to the family eventually. We don't have a bunch of friends with kids, but DH does have a son, and the road to getting him on a regular basis and having custody sorted out and all that goes with a blended family has been a very long one. I love my ss dearly, but after everything we have been through with him, and his mother, and just being a parent every other weekend had me doubting if I really wanted to be a mom. All of a sudden the whole pregnancy idea, delivering a baby, waking up at all hours, never getting to do what I want when I want because a child is at home fully dependent on me started to sink in and leave a bad taste. Maybe your husband is going through some of the same things as he sees his friend's lives ever-changed by adding kids to the mix? I think it is really easy to know "I will love this child greater than anything in the world" but to really understand that, it doesn't happen until you have a kid. Whereas it is much easier to understand, "I don't handle no sleep very well, and all our money is going to go to this baby, and we give up xyz." When I first told DH I was second-guessing, he was devastated, asked if he should leave the house to let me think things over, assumed I was unhappy with him, and he couldn't have been more wrong. We talked things through, I told him what I was afraid of, and he told me he had some of the same fears too. We aren't in a hurry to add anymore to our family, but it was comforting to know that if/when we decide to, he understands my worries and is ready to face them by my side. Maybe tell him you would like to talk about why he changed his mind, whenever he is ready to talk. Give him some time, it took me a good 2-3 weeks after he asked why before I could really put into words why it was that I didn't want kids anymore. All I knew at first was I no longer wanted them, it really took some searching to come to the source of exactly why I felt the way I did. Until then, don't pressure him, let him know that it is important to you, but that you want to be on the same page and you can give him some time to figure it out and talk about it when he is ready. Good Luck!
Since you have friends that already have kids can you sit him down and say "I understand your concerns and fears. Maybe you should give "Bob" a call and invite him out for dinner/drink and talk to him about fatherhood. See if he went through what you're going through and how he dealt with his, maybe this is something very normal that all guys go through."
It may not change his mind, but if it's just nerves, it may help him get over him talking to someone that has been there, done that.