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I want my daughter back
When my ex and I first divorced we lived 6 hours apart in Alaska. My daughter was four, and once she started school I had her during the school year and he had her during breaks. When she was seven I started having major health problems. At the urging of my therapist I sent her to live with her dad because I wasn't mentally physically, or financially able to care for her anymore. I moved to Seattle shortly after that for access to better medical care and better work opportunities with insurance coverage. She is now 13 and I have her during school breaks, which is 25-30% of the year. Things have improved for me greatly, but I haven't attempted to change the custody schedule.
I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea of never getting primary custody again. I just thought it was better for her. She goes to a really good arts magnet charter school in Alaska, and she has friends there. I also have a lot of residual guilt about not being able to care for her while I was sick. My current therapist is the first person who has even suggested that I don't necessarily have to just accept this. I am now thinking about asking my ex to switch the custody schedule back so I have her for the school year.I have talked to my husband, and he says he just wants for her to be happy and he is fine with her living here more often.
She is in 7th grade now, and after 8th grade she will graduate from the magnet school and start at the public high school. The high school where she lives is good, but the high school here is one of the highest ranking in the country and has an excellent AP program with 60% participation. That would definitely be a plus. On the down side, going from a small k-8 magnet school in a small town to a big inner-city school in Seattle might be a big culture shock for her. She is very outgoing and makes friends easily though.
One thing that is kind of tough for her when she comes here is she doesn't have any friends. There aren't a lot of kids in our neighborhood, and it's not the kind of neighborhood where you go play outside. She already has friends in AK and she would still get to see them when she went back.
Of course the biggest thing that matters here is whether or not she wants to come here for high school. If it's not what she wants then end of story. I will also have to get her dad on board because I'm not willing to fight him in court for it. I think if I want to have any hope of him saying ok I will have to agree to forgo receiving child support, but I am willing to do that to have her.
Does anyone have experience in this as a parent or step-parent? What else do I need to consider? How do I talk to her without making her feel like she has to make the choice that she thinks will make me happy?
Re: I want my daughter back
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
you dont have to be in school to make friends. there are town leagues for sports, reading groups, cooking groups, anything.
and i agree-a lawyer and your EX before you get ahead of yourself.
i also have to wonder if shed want to live wtih you full time. for 13 years she's lived with her father. maybe that shouldn't be upset now just because you're doing better........
I would go with this. He may not be happy with the high school that is there and willing to forgo having his daughter all the time if it means a better education for her. I'd ask him and then if he's ok with it I would consult a lawyer to see what needs done to go about getting the schedule legally changed. Once you have all your ducks in a row I would ask the daughter. Granted, most kids don't care about how awesomely ranked a high school is but you may be surprised to find out that she actually loves the big city. I was raised in a small farm community (and still live here) where I graduated high school with 83 kids, including me. A few years ago my husband and I went on a trip (business for him) to Chicago and loved it! We've been back once since then but want to go back very soon! Good luck!
She has been with him for 5 years, not 13. I do have a close relationship with her despite being far away. She loves being here. Would she want to go to school here? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I think it should be her choice.
The difficulty with her making friends here is that the neighborhood we live in is not one with very many kids. It's primarily gay people and twentysomethings. I rarely see kids here, let alone kids her age. There are not many activities nearby for kids her age, and the ones I have found are either really expensive, during the day (so I can't take her) or both. When she's a couple years older she can go by herself, but not now and certainly not when she was 11 or 12. Many of the groups and activities are only open to highschoolers as well. There is an art school fairly close by that has free art classes for teens on Friday evenings, and she wasn't old enough last summer, but this summer she will be, so I will be taking her to that. Hopefully she'll make some friends there.
I hadn't even thought of talking to a lawyer honestly. We didn't use one for the divorce or the custody modification. I'd probably use one this time just to draw up the paperwork, only because that s--- is confusing.
That said, I decided to just go for it today and talk to her dad. He thought about it for a while and decided that he would be fine with it if that was what she wants. He's going to let her decide and then we will go from there. She will be here for two weeks for the holidays. I'm sure she'll want to talk about it. I don't want to try to influence her decision at all, but that might turn out to be harder than it seems.
As a parent to a 25 y/o son and 18 y/o daughter, different dads, now married to someone entirely different, I have some perspective.
It's good that she's going to be with you for the holiday break. Before then, if I were you, I'd go to the high school she'd be attending and obtain some information on the curriculum you think she'd be interested in. This is a VERY tough age, and friends are everything. In addition to friends, there's the female growing up part, maybe hormones, wondering privately if you are "normal", and everything in between.
It has to be so difficult to not see your daughter for months at a time. It would be excruciating for me, but in everything between my daughter's dad and I, it was ALWAYS whatever SHE wants. She has lived with me since he left 13 years ago, he lives about 15 miles away, with a wife, and my now 18 y/o daughter limits her time with her dad due to her friends, her job, and his family/wife. But they do talk almost daily.
It's probably too early to talk to your daughter during her visit about what this may mean to her scholastically, other than maybe letting her know what's available. My 18 y/o struggles with career choices, a younger girl probably has no idea.
I will say that you and your husband need to understand that change is hard, emotions of a young teen are volatile, and there may be times when the difficulties of what seem like a "semi-permanent" change in living arrangements will be very difficult for her. She may act out. This plan needs to be able to be changed if needed.
The best and most important advice I can provide, which as a mother will be hard, is to let her know that no matter what she decides, you and her dad will love her unconditionally and only want what will make her happy.
Good luck Mom.
Do you feel like this would be the best possible situation for her? At 13 I would think she'd probably want to stay around her friends. Before you bring it up to her talk to a lawyer and see what they say. It would be a huge change from Alaska to Washington and unless the ex is on board it is a hard fight in court.
So when you have aschool breaks do you have her all summer, every winter break, spring break ect? hen she's with you how does she act? Does she enjoy these breaks?
I think that's a good idea to visit the school. I could take her there too if she wanted, since the school breaks here and in AK happen at different times.
The tough thing here is that there is no clear cut answer on what it best for her. Her dad is a decent enough parent. The schools in AK are good. Until very recently I intended to just leave things the way they were. I didn't like that idea, but I thought it was what would be best for her. My therapist was the first one who challenged that assumption. She said that the teen years are really tough for girls and she might just need her mom more. I want her to be happy, and I want what is best for her, but I am giving her the choice of where to go to school with the understanding that she may not know what either of those things means for her.
She currently is here for all of spring, summer, and winter breaks. WE tend to get along really well. She also gets along really well with my husband. She is a good kid. She's creative, smart, very appreciative. She generally behaves maturely and makes mature decisions. She has moments where she is moody and just needs to emote for a while. I feel like I handle it well. I was the same way... well... much worse at her age, and I know what did and didn't help. We try to treat one another with respect, and I like that. I really enjoy her. I know that having to handle all the homework and responsibility stuff will make things a bit harder, but I think I'm up for it.
It sounds like you have thought this through. Still ask your ex his opinions on the switch and see what he says, he may or may not go for it. I guess my concern here would be that she has established friends in Alaska, plus it would be a huge change and may make her emotional and moody more so than she usually is during breaks. She may act out when she misses her friends and/or dad. Do you have skype or some sort of video chat which she could use if she misses anyone? This may make transitioning easier since she could see her frinds and dad instead of just talking to them on the phone. It's also a very good idea to have her visit the school during a break so she can see what she'd be getting into.
I hope things go your way. It certainly is hard to be without your child especially for long periods of time.
Her dad says he is fine with it if that is what she wants. So that hurdle is out of the way now.
We have Skype. I'm not sure if her friends do. She talks to her uncle in Colorado with Skype when she's here. She also texts with her friends and calls them. And of course she'd be able to see them over the summer and other breaks.
I'm totally anticipating that we might have more acting out than usual. I hope she decides to come here, but if she doesn't I just want her to be happy.
You're daughter is old enought that if you haven't already had a talk with her about why she went to go live with her dad, I would start there. Not sure if her breaks fall at the same time as your local school does but if she could come up during say Spring Break and get a tour of the school she would be attended & they can show her all the things they offer in extra cirricular activites.
If I were in your boat I would talk to her and tell her that since your health is in a better place that you would be interested in having her back with you full time during the school year for high school & how does she feel about that. Give her time and tell her that you'll arrange for a tour of the school during the next visit so she can see what it's like there to help her make a decision. But you need to let it be her choice though.
She may be dying to come back to live with you and not know you want the same. She may also be comfortable where she is and you may have to accept that. But at least you'll have shown her options and she'll know that you want her but respect and love her and want her to be happy. Knowing she is wanted by both parents will mean more to her then anything and help keep a great relationship going among all of you.
She knows a little bit. When I first decided she needed to go to her dad's I told he that I wasn't well enough to take care of her right now, and she needed to be with somebody who could do that. She didn't want to go, but she also seemed a bit relieved. She had been having to take on way too much responsibility for the age of 7. Last year she asked me what my meds were for, and I told her.
She also asked me last year just out of the blue, "What school would I go to if I lived here?" I told her she wouldn't go to school here, because the schools weren't very good (I had looked into the elementary and jr high schools when I first moved here, and the ones in my area leave a lot to be desired. I had not yet looked at any of the high schools). I said that if she had to move here for some reason that we would probably move to Bellevue where the schools are better. I should probably clarify that when I talk to her, because I'm sure she remembers me saying that, and I don't want her to think I was lying to her. I never did find out why she asked though.
We could definitely take her to the school on her spring break. Their spring breaks are like a month apart. I think that's an excellent idea.