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How do I cope with her?
My dad remarried last spring and his new wife is absolutely horrible. How do I deal with her without letting her disrespect me and at the same be able to maintain peace when we're all forced together?
A little backstory: This woman and my dad started seeing each other within weeks after my parents filed for divorce. The very first time I ever met her was a small BBQ style dinner of just the immediate family at my family's house (the house I grew up in/where my family was established) where she showed 0 respect--wouldn't get off her EReader to say 'hello', drank way too much wine, and went into great detail about everything she plans to change at my house. This was maybe 2 months after she and Dad were seeing each other. They ended up buying a house together a couple months later and the house I grew up in was sold.
Without supplying every example, this woman is as narcissistic as they come. She is snobby, elitist, and self-centered. I'm 24 years old and married, and if I don't do things the way she pleases she thinks it's appropriate to sit me down in an authoritative manner as my father looks on. Also, while I have known her for 3 years now, she has never once shown any interest in getting to know me. I don't even know her phone number, and she has said that she'd rather I not be in the picture (I live an hour away as it is and see my father maybe every other month).
This past weekend my husband and I had invited the family up to our home for a pre-Christmas gathering. I planned it 2 months in advance, talked to my father multiple times leading up to the evening relaying how much work I was putting into it, and had a dining room table covered in food I'd prepared. When they arrived, his wife wouldn't acknowledge my husband, only spoke when she was yelling at my dog, and refused to eat any food stating "I'll eat when I get home". An hour after arriving she made it clear "they" were leaving and then they were gone.
My father doesn't understand why I was hurt by this and why I felt unsupported. I can't have this woman in my life as every time I ever see her, I end up upset. I haven't confronted her during the specific situations as I've tried to remain polite/civil and I know I can't do that when I'm upset, but I won't tolerate any more lack of care.
Do I tell my father I love him and want to maintain our relationship but that she will not be apart of my life? Another concern I have is with my future children--I need to figure this out now so that there is stability when I have children in a few years. I don't want my children growing up around her personality; she coddles her 16 yo son yet verbally abuses him in front of other people. Any suggestions are great or if you have had similar experiences I'd like to hear about how you've coped with them.
Re: How do I cope with her?
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
You need to recognize that your father isn't, won't or can't help you with her. You also need to sit your father down alone, without her and let him read what you wrote. All relationships are a two way street, if he doesn't want to put in the effort to get his wife in line then you need to cut them out. Or very firmly tell your father his wife is no longer allowed around you. And then stick with it.
This is rough. Your situation sounds very similar to my own, although the antagonist is my mom's "best friend" instead of a gf/bf.
I have known the "friend" for over ten years, and the relationship has only gotten worse. She has always been hateful towards my husband, and we haven't been on speaking terms with her for years.
As far as family visiting goes, we try not to interact much with her. This Christmas, I decided that the dance was too excruciatingly draining for me, and I told my mom that it was us for Christmas, or her "friend". She chose her friend, so we're going to try to make a quick visit (they live six hours away) to see my siblings before Christmas when the friend won't be there.
What I have done with the situation is to verbally explain some of my issues (didn't go well...mom freaked out), and then write a very frank but non-aggressive e-mail (five pages long..yikes) detailing my concerns. Mom hasn't replied yet, but my DH and I both decided that we had to do what was best for us. We also wanted my Mom to be aware of how her relationship decisions are hurting all of the people closest to her. (This lady dislikes everyone in my Mom's family except for my Mom) When we have a baby a little way down the road, this woman will have no interaction with our children. We have decided that very firmly. We will also continue to keep ourselves more distant from my Mom unless she "wakes up and smells the bacon". These decisions were made after years of a gradual learning curve where nothing else worked.
As long as your Dad is specifically aware of your concerns, I would advise you to do what is best for your own family. This may include some give-and-take, but not at the expense of your own emotional well-being.
Too bad your dad is a p-whipped doormat.
But, you can make things better for yourself -- take no prisoners when it comes to sticking up for yourself.
Let it be known to her that she is not to be rude to you, raise her voice in your home and she is not to treat you like a common skivvy -- that's right -- tell her with no sugar coating --- and if she doesn't like it, hard cheese.
Tell her explicitly and point blank that if she does any of this again, she is no longer welcome in your home.
I'd also make no bones in going to the Chief of Staff (that's your dad) and telling him that his wife isn't exactly Miss Hospitality and Warmth.
Standing up for yourself -- and your husband (I am sure she's not very accommodating to him, either) is priority. Please do it.
She sounds like a real piece of work. Where in heck did your dad find her -- which cracker jack box?
I certainly agree that you need to speak privately with your dad. You also have to understand that this isn't just her behavior but his that is affecting you. He has allowed her behavior to continue and done nothing to be supportive towards you. It is certainly possible that he is unaware how hurt you are and what he might be able to do to help the situation become more tolerable. Consider seeing a therapist if nothing changes in order to help you deal with your feelings about this.
My father too remarried a horrible woman. She has been in my life for 22 years now. I ignore her and am cordial when I see her but that is it. It is not worth the extra drama to me. My father chose to let her make all the decisions and put her before his children at all times to the detriment of his relationships with us. This, of course, is what she wanted and still wants all the time. I have a very superficial relationship with my father now and I have had to accept that no matter what sort of awful behavior she displays towards us, he will always take her side. I am due in a month with my first child and I don't expect much of a relationship with either of them. Though I used to blame her, I finally realized that it was my father's choices to do nothing (after multiple conversations from his children) that has made it so that he doesn't really have a relationship with his adult children now. Hopefully yours can be different.
And is he there when his wife yells at a dog??? Wow --- what's wrong with him and what's wrong with her?
My guess is the enablement (and p-whippery) will go on indefinitely. Speak to your dad and let this woman know you will not tolerate rudeness of any kind. And let her run that up her own flagpole.:(
Yes, my father is completely manipulated by her. I spoke to him yesterday for over an hour on the phone going through this trying to get him to understand why I feel the way that I do but he has her back completely and his suggested solution was for me to ignore it. He knows she's cold and self-centered but I guess he finds positives in their marriage that outweigh that.
We used to have a very close relationship which is slowly becoming superficial which is why I'm trying to hang on to it. While he won't stand up to his new wife he has suggested he'll come visit me more often and we'll do things one-on-one. That's where it's confusing--he won't stand up for me which I don't find fatherly, but he'll try to "fix" things in ways that don't involve confrontation with her.
Do I ignore her completely where it's clear to her but I don't have to go through my dad choosing her/her son over me for family events, or tell my dad I will no longer be able to participate in plans that involve this woman and ultimately exclude myself for holidays, etc.?
Ignore it?
His way of saying "just dandy with me that my wife treats you like garbage and she has my permission to do so."
Maybe you are better off cutting them both out of your lives. And maybe somehow your father will get the message and wake up and do the right thing.
My advice- don't give her so much power. Be nice and polite to her - but leave it at that. Dont' worry about being closer to her.
This party you had- sounds like a lot of people were there. Why were you paying so much attention to her? And who cares if she eats or not?
Focus on the people who you WANT to spend time with and don't worry about her. you clearly won't be able to please her, so stop trying. Put your energy on the people you care about and want to see.
And honestly- realize that this is who your dad is married to and "who" you want your dad to be in yoru life (and in the life of your future kids) probably isn't going to happen. It sucks - Ifeel you. But. He's made it clear that he won't stand up for you. So work w/ that. not w/ what you want it to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If my own father told me not to mind being treated poorly I'd be really hurt and, above all, I wouldn't know who he was anymore. Regardless of the obvious relation, here's a man who's asking you to let people walk on you and disrespect you. I'm sorry but there isn't a strong enough bond for me to ever consider allowing this. Not to mention that he told you clearly that he has no intention of ever taking your defense.
My father once did something that showed me he didn't have my back (big time). I ceased all communication with him immediately. After a while he begged and pleaded and said he realized his mistake so we eventually rekindled. But it will never be the same. Actions come with consequences.
I agree that it's not only her, she is a problem by extension. I would think hard and strong about what your father told you and if you can live with the new terms of your relationship with him. I would also be very clear with her about how she's to behave in your home or around you, if there happens to be a next time. She shouldn't get away with her nastiness for sure.
Okay, a few things.
I have a similar situation in that my step mother (well, number 4) is someone that my father met and married when I was already an adult - and I think that this is "key" to your relationship with her.
She is not your step mother, nor is she an authority figure, parental figure or anything to you other than "your father's wife", and you need to treat her as such. There is no bonding, there is no asking her for advice, there is no fighting with her or engaging with her other than you would in a normal, civil manner to another adult with equal standing to yourself. She sits you down in an manner exerting authority, you respond with genuine surprise that she would overstep such an obvious but unwritten boundary and brush it off - ie: "your recent TV purchase was a bad move and you need to mind your finances" You: "Huh? Um, okay, thanks? So, as I was saying..."
Once you make it clear (without need for confrontation) that she is no more to you than another equal adult, she should stop trying to assert some type of authority over you.
On another note though, you seem to be channeling some of your anger over your father's actions and parents' divorce into her, which is unfair and unreasonable. She is not the one that sold your family home, your father did. When she wouldn't get off her E-reader and drank too much - those are signs of insecurity and of course she is insecure, it's a family bbq and she's the "other woman" - of course she'd be uncomfortable and nervous as all fluck! Her rambling inappropriately about all of the changes she was going to make to your family home - could you imagine being brought into a home that your husband shared with his ex-wife and children? You'd want to make a lot of changes too - and she was probably trying to find something to talk to you about, but her nerves made her do so inappropriately.
I don't know my dad's wife's phone number. She doesn't know mine. Why does she need to get to know you? This doesn't seem to be something that you actually want anyway, so take it as a win!
Yes, she was rude at your house and she shouldn't have been, but this is the situation that both of you have been put into. She knows you don't like her, you knew she would be uncomfortable there and she coped with her discomfort by being closed off and rude - which sucks, but this is normal human behavior. Could she have handled it better, god yes! Your father could have intervened as well, or she could have declined the invitation, which would have been much better, really. (mine does. Every time I'm in the country she either has an injury or debilitating illness which prevents my father from spending any time with me. You get used to it)
How do you deal with it?
Treat her like an equal adult, no more, no less. Contact your father, not her, for everything. You don't call her on her birthday and you aren't hurt when she doesn't call on yours. You call your father for his. You invite your dad over for dinner and let him know that "whateverherfirstnameis" is welcome to come if she would like - therefore clearly showing him that you are separating him and her. Anticipate that he will bring her and that she will be rude, but treat her as you would any other guest in your home, and laugh about her rudeness later on with your husband.
Accept that your family has changed and that your father is now more distant from you - but stop blaming it all on this woman, he's got a major part in this too.
Sorry for the novel.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
LOL wow do i know how you feel. except my father cheated on my mother with the woman that he ended up marrying.
24 is still young. i can't imagine being married at 24. wow. perhaps she feels that you need guidance as you're young. is it BAD or rude or intrusive advice? if not thank her for her thoughts, tell her you'll take them into consideration and then go about your business. or stop telling her things all together so that she can't give you advice. part of me thinks that you're not really paying any attention to anything because she's not your mother. is this true? is her advice valid?
it's really tough to see what you knew be gone-like the house you grew up in etc... but here's the thing-that was HIS house and then THEIR house-not YOUR house. you need to tackle this with your BRAIN and not your HEART. if she moved in then yes it was her every right to change things-did you think she'd leave them like your mother had them? and the drinking too much wine? meh-let that go. you're finding things to pick on now.
as far as her not speaking at family gatherings etc... that's fine-she doesn't have to and it sounds like she totally senses that you dont care for her. it's got to be awkward for her as well. she sounds like she's been rude on a few occasions.
how do you tell your father you want a relationship with him but not her? you dont. you choose. you accept (and be civil) to this woman so that you dont damage your relationship with your father. he's chosen to marry her and that's that. also you cannot expect him to 'realize' how you felt. you need to spell it out clearly. he's not a mind reader. people know when they're not wanted around-she clearly did at your house. Does she have a special diet? Was she feeling ok? If she doesn't want to eat your food then fine-call your dad and ask him about these. if the answers are no you need to lay it out. strongly. 'dad I was really upset after you and X left the other night. I made a gorgeous dinner, she said 'shell eat when she gets home' and then announced her desire to leave an hour later and you went with her. If you expect me to ever have you or her in my home again she needs to knock this off and you need to knock off enabling her to be like this. I'm your daughter, and I love you, but I dont love who you've married. She's rude to me (give SPECIFIC examples) and frankly, if you want any relationship with me this needs to stop. I'd like to and I've tried get to know her but anytime I try she makes it very difficult (give SPECIFIC expamples). If she continues this behavior I will only involve you in anything'. Be TOUGH. He's clearly not getting it.
and dont get ahead of yourself. you can decide what to do about your kids when you actually concieve them which may be years away. work on this issue with your father first.
just so you know-i despised my fathers wife for many many years. we (father and I) basically had no relationship for years (i'm 37, parents divorced when i was 19) because i couldn't see past the fact that i was so pissed at the situation and not really at her. it took me a long long long time to realize that. but it also took a lot of soul searching and convos with my father too. he CANT know how you feel-he's not in your situation. but i'd bet you money that this woman may not be as bad as you paint her to be-what you're really mad at may the whole situation on the whole. I regret that now that I lost so much time with him-and i mean 5 or 6 years. the amount of energy it took to dislike her and be mad at him was huge. i'm not saying oyu need to be her best friend-but if you want a relationshipw tih your dad you may need to suck it up and be around them both. you never know-he might tell you to go take a hike and never see you again.
you also may want to consider counseling. it helped me greatly during that time-that's what finally got me over the 'i hate her' idea and realized what was really going on.
ps my dad's wife is 5 years older than I am so that didn't help.