Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
! I could sit myself on fire and my husband MIGHT notice it.
HELP PLEASE! What in Gods green earth am I supposed to do?! I could sit myself on fire and my husband MIGHT notice it. We got married in April and it's been insanity ever since. Granted this isn't his fault. But we are married and I RARELY get time with him with MUCH LESS ALONE time. He's a cop and his schedule changes ALLOT. When he's on nights we can easily go 3 days without seeing each other or even TALKING. I leave for work 7am back 6pm. He's gone from 5pm back at 8am. He usually has a trainee with him in his car so he can't even talk to me on the freaking cell phone. So finally a weekend comes around that we BOTH have off. We are besieged by family and friends. His dad's health comes and goes and as an only child his folks need EVERY moment he can spare. I love his folks they are good people. His friends come next. They haven't seen him in SOOO long! Can't he DO something with them. I am about to scream. We are supposed to be newly weds. We haven't had a Thanksgiving or Christmas. We managed to exchange gifts one day real quick before he had to run to his grandmothers. He did have two days off last week but spent them nearly killing himself to build a ramp on his folks house. They really needed the ramp but I've been BEGGING them to let us do it sooner so this wouldn't happen at Christmas. So I am either with him and tons of other people or alone. I'd move in with my parents to see if he'd notice but like I said he isn't doing this on purpose. When I've had it and say YOU MUST spend time with me, he has to cut it from someone else and I end up feeling like a jackass. There HAS to be some solution to this. Otherwise WHY did we bother getting married?! Why is OUR MARRIAGE always the last priority?
Re: ! I could sit myself on fire and my husband MIGHT notice it.
Your marriage is last because he is putting it last. It's really as simple as that.
Cops have and will always have crazy, crappy hours. You knew that before you married him I'm sure. As for his parents and friends, this is the real issue. It's not going to do your marriage any good to complain about the help or time spent with his folks.
His friends however, the time and effort with them could be whittled down to once or twice a month. Also, you said he rushed to his Grandmas house, why weren't you going with him? When he is hanging out with his friends and family are you working? If so, you really have no reason to complain. If not, you should go with him sometimes, make time in the car to talk or go out to eat before or after.
TBH, you really need to SIT him down and tell him how you feel about the lack of time you two have.
If the 2 Sundays a month should be sacred but he isn't making it that way, then this is the true problem. You need to calmly, without a tone or raising your voice explain the importance to him. You can't make him do anything, he would have to want it. To get him to want it, you may want to act busy when he wants to finally have some together time. Just because you marry doesn't mean that any needy behavior, that he thinks you are showing, will not have him running. I really hope you haven't complained about his parents.
Also, I never said or hinted that he was cheating here. No clue why you threw that in the mix. He can't be the only officer on patrol on Holidays, I think he is talking about the cops with kids. For the love of God do not take this to mean you should have a child.
No matter what your profession is, when you take a spouse, your spouse comes first. it is as simple as that.
Cops will always work odd hours, rotating shifts and whatnot -- and many cops moonlight or have side jobs. That's how it is with every cop I know.
And being married to a law enforcer is a bit like being the wife of a physician: you will have a lot of alone time. That alone will take getting used to. (Find something to do during the hours he's not around -- get a hobby, volunteer, join some groups that are special interest, take classes, etc.)
What is not good:
He is not putting you first.
His dad's health comes and goes and as an only child his folks need EVERY moment he can spare.
Positively and absolutely NOT. That's not how it's supposed to work and that is now how a healthy marriage dynamic works.
YOU come first, not his parents or anybody else. He needs to stand up to them and let them know this -- and if they don't like it? Too bad.
The same goes for his friends: you come first. If they don't like it, tough rocks.
Your friends DO NOT come before your wife. I'd be livid about this if i were you -- and livid that you do not come first.
You are only married a short time. You knew about this bullshit before you were married; it's not just something that began after you were wed --- and even if it did? This is where you speak up and you tell him all the time with the friends go and that YOU come first, before anybody.
You are his family now, not his mom and dad. When you marry, your spouse is the family; you and he have formed one new unit.
The horse is long out of the barn here --- when you saw this happening when you were still not legally wed to him, you should have written him off and said goodbye and ended the relationship. You were going to come dead bang last.
I guess you figured he'd stop after you got married or that the problem was something you can live with; as you can see, neither one applies, nor will it ever.
I'd personally tell him It's me or your parents and friends --- make that choice.
And if he doesn't choose you, well.... you've got bigger problems at hand.
If he didn't make you a priority back then, he was never going to: sad and profound truth.
You have had ongoing problems with this overgrown middle schooler, pushover and spineless wimp:
I've been married for 3 months. I adore my husband. When we said the FOR BETTER OR WORSE vow well... the worse part has reared it's ugly head almost immediately. I'm married to a cop who works 14+ hour days. He works nights one month and days the next month so we can go 2-3 days without seeing each other. This isn't anything new to us, we've made it work. So a month after the wedding..his 28 year old best friend since childhood was found dead. As a cop my husband stepped up and helped the family. That meant being on scene with the coroner (and body) the day it happened and later at the funeral he gave a beautiful eulogy.We got our wedding pictures from the photographer the day before the funeral and no one can stand to look at them. His friend was a groomsmen and it's just very painful.
A few weeks later my father in law fell ill. We got him to pull through but it's back already and very bad. He's not elderly but the man has diabetes and a bad heart and both of his knee replacements are so infected the hospital is removing them. My father in law will easily spend the next 2-3 months in the hospital. And to be honest I really don't see how he can make it. I'm praying but very worried. To add to it money is super tight because of the economy and on top of THAT a hail storm ruined our roof and siding. Our insurance stepped up but the HOA is making it really difficult by requiring an approval process. But the REAL ISSUE is I'm sure he's depressed. I try to talk to him about what's going on and how he's doing but he wants to play video games, xbox, pc, his phone...ANYTHING... and pretend he's not listening. I know he's upset. I know his family doesn't talk about emotions. He is a cop. He deals with gangs, bodies, drugs the worst of the worst so he thinks he's superman or batman but he isn't. We got one day together last week and he told me he doesn't feel like he can do anything right. The affection isn't there. We love each other very much, that isn't in doubt. Any suggestions on what I can do to help? I really appreciate it.
Really??
You diagnose an immature middle schooler as "depressed"? Nope: he's a baby --- see the underlined. Pretend he's not listening? What a dire lack of maturity and lack of respect for you! You sure got the jackpot here, sis.:(
He isn't depressed. He's immature.
Here's my take on this:
There were problems before you got married -- and it also could be you and he are not a good fit. He still wants to be a single guy; his friends take priority over you??? Bullshit.
He can't put you first at all: seems like you're on the waiting list to be served.
Give serious thought to what i said: tell this guy It's me or your family and friends; make your choice. And be ready to stand behind your words. If he can't put you first, and refuses to, there is no hope here for this marriage.
Re: his friend dying --- your H would be wise to get bereavement therapy and to perhaps join a bereavement group. He's also coping with a lot of other issues -- and being a cop can take a toll emotionally.
For his own sake, he'd be smart to see a thearapist maybe every other week --- just for what a cop sees daily, a therapist is needed. You more or less have to "get rid" of the stresses and other events that are very emotionally strong (for lack of a better way of putting it). Lots of people who are in helping professions see therapists for this reason.
You married a cop. You knew what you were getting in to. Just like with military wives, you must accept that there are times when he just simply isn't available.
That being said, it is not unreasonable for you to calmly set him down and explain to him that it is essential (not just to you, but to your marriage) that the two of you spend some time alone together. I would say minimum of one date night a month, and a whole day if you can manage it. As far as his free time is concerned, wife first, family second, friends third. That's the way a grown married man sets his priorities, if he wants his marriage to work. You're not being selfish to request these things.
Sometimes people (especially men) need time to adjust to the shift in priorities when they get married. That's not to say that the marraige is doomed, but that it needs to be pointed out to him. Calmly.Your post may have just been frustration, but it came off as dramatic.
As far as family goes, they might need one hard lesson that they can't put things off until the last minute if they want help. You H will have to learn to tell them no, and hopefully they will learn to better manage their time and resources. And sometimes adult friends go for a while without seeing each other. His profession is to blame, not you. Don't make it your fault.
Best of luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
It's tough being married to a LEO, and until he gets more seniority (or if he's a FTO, which is sounds like he is) or decides to stop being an FTO, his schedule will be crazy. I grew up with a LEO, so I know what it feels like when you have very little personal time with a loved one. My husband also wants to be a LEO; I knew this since we started dating 5 years ago. It's tough, but I've already prepared myself emotionally for it (not just the feelings of loneliness, but worry and anxiety too).
I used to be a 911 call-taker, and I remember my schedule changing every month. I rarely had a month where I was actually able to spend 3 whole days with him (if we both worked 4 10hour shifts because our schedules just happened to sync). I remember one month where our only time together was 1 day a week, and even then I would go 4-5 days without seeing him (except maybe when I would be coming home & he would be walking out the door to go to work). It's tough, but it's a lifestyle adjustment that you both have to work through together.
I know he can't exactly take personal calls all the time, but have you asked him to call you when he's able to take a break? Even if it's just for 10 minutes on the days you don't have time to see eachother, it would probably help you a little. Because of my husband's schedule, I don't see him until he gets home late at night 4 days out of the week, but he calls me on those nights to ask about my day, and I can ask about his. Granted, sometimes things may happen when your husband calls you (aka, he gets pulled on to a call) and your conversation gets cut short, or he may not be able to call at all, but try asking him to call when he has a break. I'm sure he can step away from the rookie for a brief period.
I can also completely empathize with you on the fact that you want some personal time with just him and no one else. You don't need to feel like a jerk for wanting this. At the very least, you need to talk to him (CALMLY, of course) about having a date night on one of the two days you both have off together...or better yet, a whole date day. Your marriage is a priority, and you both need to have at least one special day together a month. However, knowing what little free time he has, I don't think it's completely fair to expect that you will always get every minute of every day you could have together where it's just you and him every single month. Although you are #1 now, it's not fair to expect that he should always ignore his family and friends, and sometimes life happens. He has a lot to try and balance with his crazy work schedule, including your marriage, so don't rush to beat him over the head about it (figuratively speaking, of course). If he has a day off where you still have to go to work, see if he can make this a day where he could hang out with friends or go help his parents, that way you can still have your alone time and he can still have time with friends and/or family each month.
Don't wait until you "had it" before asking him to have a day for just the two of you, otherwise your anger will build up and you'll only feel worse about getting angry. It makes me wonder if you feel bad about taking away a day that he could spend with family or friends, or is it more that you feel bad because you get angry from pent up emotions and demand his time? Again, you coud avoid this by scheduling one day a month together.
Please, for pete's sake, DO NOT GO GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU, OR FAMILY & FRIENDS! I really hope you haven't already had the opportunity to do this. If I were to guess, he won't exactly feel guilty and immediately come groveling at your feet for forgiveness. If I were to say this to my husband, I can only imagine that his immediate reaction would be to get defensive, angry, and resent me for even making him "choose". If it were me, what I hear with those words is "You must only spend time with me, your family and friends are not important. I am the only important thing in your life now, and you can never see your family and friends again". That's not exactly what you said, and you probably won't mean it like that, but I can just about guarentee that is what he will hear. I see no way how giving him this ultimatum will make things better, I only foresee an already tense situation getting 100 times worse. I don't think his negative reaction would be so much him seeming to choose his family & friends over you, but I could see him resenting and withdrawing from you for even thinking of giving him such an ultimatum. He needs to know that your needs are important, but don't let your emotions take control and make you say somthing you'll later regret.
I think I read elsehwere that his dad has health issues? If so, the premise of my next paragraph is based on this. If there are no health issues, then you can ignore a small part of this.
If it were me, I would approach the issue by saying something like "I know you have a crazy work schedule, and you really don't have a lot of time to try and balance our relationship, friends, and family, especially when problems come up with family. I know it can't be easy, and I respect and appreciate your willingness to work hard. I know you love me and don't mean to hurt me, but it makes me feel unloved when we don't spend time alone and have time to connect one-on-one. I miss you a lot, and it gets lonely without you around, and for the sake of our marriage I need to have time alone with you."
Things will eventually get better
It's a tough lifestyle to adjust to, but you both can make it. I totally agree with others here that it may be beneficial for you to take up a hobby, or schedule time every week to be with your own friends or family (if they live close). The more time you have to think about how lonely you are, the worse you will feel. Whatever you decide to say to your husband, only approach him when you are not angry, and remember that everything he's going through can't be easy on him either. My last bit of advice, is that if you think it's necessary, then seek counseling. Lots of police departments offer counseling services to their employees, or at least provide resources where LEO's and their families can go when they need help (including hotlines, so see if your husband has a phone number that you are able to call in case you feel like you personally need someone to talk to when you are struggling).
Try a Love & Respect conference (live or video). http://loveandrespect.com/
I am also a newlywed. This was my favorite premarital conseling we did. Learn about how men and women are just plain different and how to understand and communicate with each other. How what might seem like an immaturity to you may actually be a vulnerablity in him and vice versa. Learn how to motivate your husband by using Respect. Uses bibilical principles and social research.
Here's an excerpt from the website from a women also married to someone who serves others:
"This is why Ephesians 5:33 says what it says.
A husband needs to feel respect for who he is in the same way a wife needs to feel love for who she is. When a husband's need for respect is met, he responds. Though a husband's response tends to be less sentimental than a wife's, the depth of that man's response is similar.
An Officer in Iraq
I just received an email from a wife whose husband is in Iraq with the Special Forces. She realized that she had not spoken words of respect to him. She sent him an email expressing her respect and confessing the wrongness of her disrespect. She did not expect him to respond with any depth. He was extremely busy and she felt the lack of face to face communication would undermine what she was conveying. But she said, ?I was blown away.... He had gotten my e-mail and told me how much it meant. We spent 5 hours on line, when before I felt like he couldn't find time.... Since then our communication has been different, he has met me online early in the mornings just to connect, his idea not mine... I thought for sure your ideas wouldn't work.... I am grateful that your words opened my eyes to truths I had never understood... Thank you. P.S.?"