Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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In-Law Blowup on Christmas
Hey everyone,
So my husband and I have only been married 6 months. I have never had an issue with his mother or his family in the whole time that we've been together.His mother can be a bit controlling at times, and pouts a bit when she doesn't get her way, but we've barely had drama. Until yesterday.
I'll give you a little back story. My mother has always done Christmas on Dec 25th - his Mom really wanted the 25th this year, so we've decided to alternate holidays every year. It seemed to work out, and although I was a little sad I wasn't spending it with my family, I was still looking forward to spending it with his family.
Friday night, my husband sent a quick text to his Mom to ask what time they wanted us there on Christmas Day. She replied back with 'whenever is fine', so he responded by saying 'Ok, we should be there between 2-3'. 15 minutes later, my husband's youngest sister sent him a nasty text saying that Mom expected us at 12, and we really should be there earlier, etc etc. How would we have known this!! We wanted to spend the morning together opening gifts and hanging out together, as it was our first Christmas together. Plus my father passed away 2 years ago, and I was very close with him, so I always to go his grave on Christmas (it just honestly makes me feel better, and helps me grieve). My hubby tried calling his Mom about this issue, but she refused his calls.
So we ended up getting there a little earlier to keep the peace, around 1pm on Christmas Day. His parents had left! They were pissed off, so they went to the neighbours - we were a little hurt. They came back around 3pm, and his mother was in the worst mood. She came in, started swearing and muttering stuff under her breath, which made me so uncomfortable. She did not acknowledge me at all (I guess I could have acknowledged her, but honestly my defense mechanism is just to leave people alone when they're in a really bad mood; I didn't want to make it worse). We gave her a scrapbook full of wedding pictures, which my Aunt had made. On the back, my Aunt had written 'To Mom, with love' (it's one of those digital scrapbooks that looks like a book - really nice, actually!). She FLIPPED on us because it didn't say 'Dad' on there, and she didn't actually want the scrapbook for Christmas. I was really hurt, because we put a lot of love and thought into it, spent a lot of money on it. Anyway, I decided to just let it go.
There were a lot of little things that happened throughout the day where she would nitpit or yell and swear, but the major thing that happened was during dinner. For some reason, everyone deemed it appropriate to have a discussion about suicide (my father died this way). I am VERY sensitive when it comes to talking about suicide. My husband politely asked them to stop, and she snapped at him. They wouldn't stop, so it got to the point where I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry it out because I was just so upset. My mother in law says to my husband 'GOOD, I'm glad someone else's feelings got hurt, your Dad's feelings were hurt from the scrapbook!' - it really upset me because I am still heavily grieving over my Dad, and Christmas is the hardest holiday for me.
We ended up leaving early, around 8:30, because she just would not stop being hurtful and spiteful to us. And she would yell at us in front of the whole family, but when my husband tried to call her out, she said 'this isn't the time or the place'. I think she was initially pissed off that she didn't get her way (wanted us there really early on Xmas), and took it out on us - the entire day was ruined, and she would not stop being spiteful towards us. So naturally, we left early, which really pissed her off even more.
What do we do now?? Do we wait for her to come to us? Because I honestly don't think she sees anything wrong with it. She got mad at my husband because I should have jumped up and given her a hug when they walked in (I was honestly scared, and thought I was giving her some space, knowing she was pissed at us), that I didn't help clean up (again, I was scared and didn't want to get in her space; in no way was I trying to be malicious or rude) from dinner, etc etc.
It's now caused some tension with my husband and I, and I've never felt like this before. I just can't let it go, or forget about it. How do we go on from here?
So my husband and I have only been married 6 months. I have never had an issue with his mother or his family in the whole time that we've been together.His mother can be a bit controlling at times, and pouts a bit when she doesn't get her way, but we've barely had drama. Until yesterday.
I'll give you a little back story. My mother has always done Christmas on Dec 25th - his Mom really wanted the 25th this year, so we've decided to alternate holidays every year. It seemed to work out, and although I was a little sad I wasn't spending it with my family, I was still looking forward to spending it with his family.
Friday night, my husband sent a quick text to his Mom to ask what time they wanted us there on Christmas Day. She replied back with 'whenever is fine', so he responded by saying 'Ok, we should be there between 2-3'. 15 minutes later, my husband's youngest sister sent him a nasty text saying that Mom expected us at 12, and we really should be there earlier, etc etc. How would we have known this!! We wanted to spend the morning together opening gifts and hanging out together, as it was our first Christmas together. Plus my father passed away 2 years ago, and I was very close with him, so I always to go his grave on Christmas (it just honestly makes me feel better, and helps me grieve). My hubby tried calling his Mom about this issue, but she refused his calls.
So we ended up getting there a little earlier to keep the peace, around 1pm on Christmas Day. His parents had left! They were pissed off, so they went to the neighbours - we were a little hurt. They came back around 3pm, and his mother was in the worst mood. She came in, started swearing and muttering stuff under her breath, which made me so uncomfortable. She did not acknowledge me at all (I guess I could have acknowledged her, but honestly my defense mechanism is just to leave people alone when they're in a really bad mood; I didn't want to make it worse). We gave her a scrapbook full of wedding pictures, which my Aunt had made. On the back, my Aunt had written 'To Mom, with love' (it's one of those digital scrapbooks that looks like a book - really nice, actually!). She FLIPPED on us because it didn't say 'Dad' on there, and she didn't actually want the scrapbook for Christmas. I was really hurt, because we put a lot of love and thought into it, spent a lot of money on it. Anyway, I decided to just let it go.
There were a lot of little things that happened throughout the day where she would nitpit or yell and swear, but the major thing that happened was during dinner. For some reason, everyone deemed it appropriate to have a discussion about suicide (my father died this way). I am VERY sensitive when it comes to talking about suicide. My husband politely asked them to stop, and she snapped at him. They wouldn't stop, so it got to the point where I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom and cry it out because I was just so upset. My mother in law says to my husband 'GOOD, I'm glad someone else's feelings got hurt, your Dad's feelings were hurt from the scrapbook!' - it really upset me because I am still heavily grieving over my Dad, and Christmas is the hardest holiday for me.
We ended up leaving early, around 8:30, because she just would not stop being hurtful and spiteful to us. And she would yell at us in front of the whole family, but when my husband tried to call her out, she said 'this isn't the time or the place'. I think she was initially pissed off that she didn't get her way (wanted us there really early on Xmas), and took it out on us - the entire day was ruined, and she would not stop being spiteful towards us. So naturally, we left early, which really pissed her off even more.
What do we do now?? Do we wait for her to come to us? Because I honestly don't think she sees anything wrong with it. She got mad at my husband because I should have jumped up and given her a hug when they walked in (I was honestly scared, and thought I was giving her some space, knowing she was pissed at us), that I didn't help clean up (again, I was scared and didn't want to get in her space; in no way was I trying to be malicious or rude) from dinner, etc etc.
It's now caused some tension with my husband and I, and I've never felt like this before. I just can't let it go, or forget about it. How do we go on from here?
Re: In-Law Blowup on Christmas
First off you didn't leave early, you stayed until 8:30 pm. The mistake made was not leaving when you got to the house and realized they weren't home. Or leaving when she had a hissy fit over her gift or the whole dinner conversation about suicide. What an evil B to say what she said.
Your H should have let her have it over each of these events. The fact that he allowed her to dictate the "time & place" to discuss her atrousous behavior does not bode well for you.
He needs to grow a back bone and stand up for you, his wife. The tension you are feeling between the two of you stems from the fact that he allowed all this and didn't walk out. You would be right to feel hurt, betrayed & disgusted by him right now.
You need to sit him down and explain to him that a repeat of what happened this Christmas must never happen again. That he allowed his mother to behave this way by not stopping it. He doesn't have to say a word to her, simply standing up and walking out and not returning will be enough to put her on notice.
Wow. You poor thing!
Holidays always bring out the worst in most people.
I think you and DH are at a pivital crossroads. To ignore this behavior sends a message of a bit of acceptance (and it's not okay on several levels). To got to war over it can definitely cause matters to get worse.
I'd pick your battles here. You major one being the suicide table discussion and your next one being the grave site visit.
Let the gift issue go. If he was saddened to not have a scrapbook, make him one for his birthday or for Father's Day.
"MIL we want to celebrate Christmas with you and FIL. We were really looking forward to it. DH has told me what a great job you and FIL do. DH and I, being newlyweds are trying to adjust to meshing together our two families and two sets of equally important traditions. My dad and I were very close and I miss him a lot. Part of my Christmas tradition is to pay my respects at his gravesite on Christmas. This is why DH and I were late to the celebration. I am sorry we didn't find out the correct time to arrive earlier. In the future, we will be sure to call ahead a day or two before hand and find out when we should arrive at your home. Visiting my dad's grave will be a part of DH and my Christmas too for as long as we think it is important. I hope you can find it in your heart to accept this. DH has always told me how supportive and understanding you have been with him. Also, MIL I respect your home and that you as a hostess can decide conversations for your dinner table. However, continuing to discuss suicide after knowing my heartache over it was so hurtful to me and the memory of my dad. I want everyone to be happy and comfortable over the holidays, but I was not. I was so surprised and offended by all of this."
Hopefully, MIL will apologize.
You don't have kids yet (I'm guessing), so this won't make a ton of tense, but your MIL is having what's called a temper tantrum. Toddlers have them. The best way to get them to stop are to:
1. Ignore them (but this doesn't necessarily change behavior).
2. Acknowledge their feelings and say you understand.
3. Stand a firm ground on what the expectations are and if the expectations are not met, have a firm consequence that YOU STICK TO. Sorry to say, but in adult words, give an ultimatum.
She won't change her ways...she is entrenched in them. Don't expect that and understand that you are dealing with an emotionally immature person. But you can try and curb their effect on you and DH.
BTW, props to DH for his responses!!!!
Ahhh, okay so this is usual behavior for her. Look, she won't apologize for anything. Your H seems to get what his role is here so that is a positive.
TBH, you can keep sweeping this under the rug, keep going to family functions in which you pray this behavior of hers is directed at someone else. OR you can leave. Each. And. Every. Single. Time.
You two can wait around for her response but you won't get one, I'll even bet you 5.00 that at the party she will act like nothing ever happened. If you two make a scene you will look bad and she will wander around looking innocence with no clue what is your problem. Oh, and she will have a crowd so the poor me card will come out.
You can 1. Put up with this and play her game and act like its all great or 2. Distance yourself from her, call her out on her BS and know that you may stay at family events for 5 mins or the whole time.
Careful here, if you are planning on children in the future think long & hard if you want them exposed to this.
Your DH reached out to her. Ball is in her court. She "sometimes gets like this" because clearly no one calls her on it.
So.... "call" her on it, and by that I mean ignore it. Let her come to youall. You see her next week? Be polite and cordial (if she'll even acknowledge either of you) but leave it at that. If she tries to act like everything is fine, even more important to ONLY be "polite and cordial". Neither you or your DH should respond to her as if "yeah, everything is fine".
It isnt and she needs to understand that.
On the flip, if she tries to start anything at the party, use her own line on her - "this isn't the time or place" and walk away.
DO NOT LET this just quietly go away and you all eventually are "back to normal". Make it clear that until she owns up to what she did and apologizes, nothing will be "normal".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Also, because this won't, isn't and can't be fixed read up on this
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
Your MIL sounds like a classic case, they are a PITA to deal with. Trust me. For me it ended in a cut off between me and her. I had to get off the crazy train.
Just do what you want to do. Really. These types make a huge deal out of nothing. It seems very dramatic until you don't pay any attention. Do a mildly pleasant happy new years, then mildly pleasant there-after. It's drive her crazy. And she'll be forced to change or deal with a distant son and DIL.
She'll get more abusive before she relents. But she will relent when she gets cut-off from the attention she craves.
Okay, a few thoughts.
First, I completely agree with the other posters that your MIL was way out of line the entire time and that she does indeed seem very narcissistic. However:
Your gift to her (and not her husband? Did you get him anything at all?) was a scrapbook of your wedding ie: a bunch of pictures of YOU. I think it's a sweet idea, but not as a Christmas gift. She should have been given this as a non-occasion gift as mother of the groom or something, I just think it's weird to give "the gift of you" to someone at Christmas. Could just be me.
Did you tell them that you were going to be going over earlier? Or were they still anticipating that you were going to arrive at 3 - hence they made other plans until 3 and then got home to find out you had been there since 1 - that would annoy me as well.
I don't know what the extent of the suicide comments were and I feel that them discussing an issue that was so clearly distressing to you was poor etiquette to any guest in their home - but is there ANY way that you may be too sensitive about the overall issue? Do they honestly feel that they can not ever talk about that issue EVER because of your personal history with it?
I'm just trying to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt here, looking at all sides. Did they have a reason to bring up suicide, like a recent suicide in the family or in the news and you immediately became upset and offended in an over the top kind of way? Or were they genuinely just complete asshats that waited until you sat down at the table and said "these mashed potatoes are fantastic, let's talk about suicide!".
Your husband's text to your MIL in some way is good because it is very clear that he is upset, but it sounds like you wrote it for him and I think that is going to cause even more problems for you down the line. I snickered at the "I need to stand up and be a man..." part, and I don't think that line there did you guys any favors in dealing with this.
Overall, I agree that what you do next is to leave the ball in her court and be polite and cordial at the next event, nothing more, nothing less. Dealing with a distant son and daughter in law are natural consequences to her actions.
This woman is not actually going to call you up and apologize for her behavior, and she is certainly not going to call up her son and do the same. I'm shocked that you expect her to do this, honestly.
Seems like the kind of issue that needs a bit of time and space to eventually sort out. Good luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Ditto. And I would have left if they left at 1pm. She did not communicate with you regarding her expectations. Does she expect you to read her mind? I don't know why you waited around for these people to return if they just left you there. She acts like this because you (your DH) let her. It seems very immature and childish to me.
Honestly, I'm so angry FOR you right now.
Your MIL is an awful person. I'm sorry, but she is. Having a conversation that she KNEW would upset you and then saying "Good" when you went off to cry makes her a terrible person.
And your H...I cannot BELIEVE that he stayed after that happened. I cannot believe that HE reached out to HER to say anything other than, "What you did to my wife was completely and totally inexcusable and unforgivable. I was too much of a coward for not walking out immediately at the suicide conversation, and for that I have apologized to my wife profusely. Neither one of us will speak with you again until you deliver a SINCERE apology to my wife for what you did. Even if you do this, and she forgives you, rest assured that neither of us will forget it."
Honestly...that's what NEEDS to be said to her.
Oh, I get that. Like there's a knot in your stomach, it's always kind of on your mind, you jump when the phone rings and want her to call and apologise but are also dreading the call as well, right?
Yeah, good luck with that. I honestly think that you should just be distant and give it time - at least that way you won't be subjected to it again.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
B- if she doesn't apologize/ there is no resolution before the party- don't focus on her. I know it will be hard, but try to focus on your SIL and the other people who you'll know. Enjoy them. If you are face to face w/ her, be polite, but do your best to just stay away from her.
If SHE starts anything, simply say "This isn't the time or place" and walk away.
Seriously. Don't give her too much power here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I also had a big in-law blow up at Christmas - it totally sucks, so I get how you're feeling.
I think you need to let your husband handle where you guys go from here. When he feels ready he can touch base with his Mom to discuss the day's events and hopefully she will come to her senses. Do your best to not let this issue with his Mom create issues between you and your husband. We've both had our share of issues with his parents and the absolute worse thing you can do is allow it to create a rift in YOUR relationship. SHE was wrong, not you or your husband, so there is no reason for the two of you to allow this to cause issues.
I'm sorry about the loss of your father. My cousin also took his life and it's a terrible tragedy and extremely hard to cope with that kind of loss. I couldn't fathom losing my father that way. That said, I am also sensitive to the topic and the opinions of others. Has your husband or you ever communicated that it's a topic you don't want to speak about? If you haven't yet, now would be a good time to make it known to the family. While you can't control EVERYONE, I think you would be well within your rights to ask your MIL, SIL, and FIL to be more sensitive.
Also - God bless you guys for sticking it out for 7 hours. I would have ran for the hills! So give yourself a pat on the back for that... really, you did everything you could. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty.
Best of luck to you.
Hey everyone,
So I have an update on our situation. DH left the ball in MIL's court - she just responded by text message, with extreme rude undertones. She said she wanted all of the rest of his things out of their house (he was storing some stuff there because we have a small apartment and can't fit everything in here), and that she wanted the $1000 her and DH's step-dad gave to us at our wedding back. They TOLD us that that $1000 was a wedding gift to my DH and I, because they wanted to help contribute in some way.
What do we do now? I know this is between DH and his Mother, but I am seriously shaking right now - all of this over a time miscommunication??
Where does your DH stand? I mean, to me, this comes across as SHE is ending all relationship w/ you all. Are you all cool w/ that and proceeding as such? OR....????
Is it worth CALLING her or going to her house and asking what you said here "all this over a time miscommunication/".
Cripes, as I write that, I want to laugh. THIS IS WHO HIS MOM IS. She's going to play games like this to avoid taking responsibility. Outsiders take - write her off and be done w/ it. But - is that what your DH wants and could he do it?
You're not going to "win" here. So - you and your DH need to really talk and figure out what you can handle and what you're willing to deal w/ moving forward. I feel she's done some unforgivable stuff. But it's his mom - and what about his dad and other family? What impact will this all have?
ALl I can say is "good luck". It's a tough spot.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Part of the reason that she acts like this is that no one tells her "no". I think right now, your DH really needs to make a stand and let his mom know that this is all unaccpetable. And really - I think her recent text is game playing. how far can she push him before he breaks? Don't let him break.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10