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Would you be annoyed?
My husband and I got married in August. This will be our first Christmas as a married couple. After some discussion, we decided that we would start alternating family holidays. So one family will get us for Thanksgiving and the other will get for Christmas, and then we?ll flip the following year. This Christmas is supposed to be with my family.
Well, my H?s father passed away on December 16th when my H was 10 years old. Every year, my H?s family holds a memorial mass for his late father, and everyone goes out to dinner afterwards. We have gone every single year we have been together (5 Decembers now). And every year, this memorial service/dinner was scheduled the first or second week of December. Well, this year my MIL scheduled it on the evening of the 22nd?knowing full well that it was MY family?s year for Christmas.
And I?m PISSED. My brother is flying in from Italy, and we rarely see my family. I want to go to my mom's house TONIGHT, not Sunday morning! I want the extra time with my brother! My MIL has NEVER once had the service this close to Christmas, and then all of the sudden, she holds it on a weekend that should be my family?s. For logistical and budget issues, it?s not practical for my husband and I to go our separate ways until the 23rd. And I don?t want to be the b**** that says ?No, we can?t go to your dead father?s memorial service,? but I think this is just establishing a bad precedent that my MIL can schedule things during my family?s time.
I feel trapped into going to this service, and I?m angry. And my H got angry with me for suggesting that this was unfair and shady. What do you all think?
Re: Would you be annoyed?
They do this every year? Is this a regular mass and they just say his name?
Honestly your mistake with your H may have been pointing out her convinent date change. Yes, it is shady, we know what she is doing here. Next time, smile and say, such a shame we will miss it this year, we will be at my parents on that date. It's hard to get around a nice decline.
Does your H understand how important this is to you? Have you told him that you had been looking forward to spending time with your brother and family?
Your H needs to learn to compromise with you on time spent between the families. Just tell him, I'm sorry we will miss the mass this year but plans are in place with my family and have been for sometime.
omg I can totally relate to this with my IL's. They have a memorial service for my H's grandfather, who passed away more than 30 years ago. They also do one for H's grandmother on his mother's side who passed away more than 20 years ago. And they have this every. single. year. Fortunately, it never falls near any major holiday, but I wish we didn't have to be subjected to this every single year. And it's not like we can say 'sorry, we have plans already' either because my IL's actually call my H and schedule the date for this around our plans. I mean, I guess that's cool that they are considerate, but I would just rather not even go. I already told H that once we have children, I will not subject them to this morbid ritual.
Anyway, I would just do what previous poster suggested. You guys have plans already, his mother totally knows what she is doing because my MIL is just as shady, so I get it. But both you and especially your H need to put your foot down and say 'sorry, we have plans - perhaps you should have checked with us before arranging this on a weekend that you knew we would be away.'
Would it be possible for your husband to pay respects to his father on his own on another date ?
I would stick to your guns and see your family this year and your brother.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Marriage means compromise.
Given that the Mass is within a week of his anniversary, I don't think there's a graceful way to accuse her of complicity. It's one day. You could go to the Mass and leave immediately after the meal.
If she were to do that though, then her MIL would think that it's perfectly ok to do what she is doing. THAT is not cool.
I wouldn't give in. Stick to your guns OP. Because once you cave once, your MIL will do it again. And again. And again.
I understand he wants to go the Memorial however you already decided that it was your family's year and it sounds like you were going to leave tonight. Since this was just sprung on you I would say "I understand you want to be there for your family and I want to be there for mine." For compromise you could go to your family and he can stay with his.
A couple years ago we really didn't have the money to travel and my DH didn't really want to spend Christmas away from his family. I took my DD by myself out of state to visit my family. We did Christmas on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning DH took me and DD to the airport and we spent Christmas with my family in TX.
But this is also a "surprise" to her DH and right now, the idea of not going to the memorial for his dad might be too upsetting. If SHE sticks to her guns, it's her DH that is going to be pissed at her.
It will be her family's year again in 2 years. DH needs to make it clear to his mom NOW that this is the last year this can happen. This also give her DH the time to prepare for this. And she can talk to him about "in the future, if there is a conflict, what can you and I do to remember your dad?". Work w/ him to find a new way to honor him.
This situation is about more than just her MIL being shady. It's also about asking her DH to not to what he's done for YEARS in memory of his dad. That's a lot harder to fight against than her MIL.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
2 questions I need clarification on?
How far away is your parents and this mass?
Some have eluded that this just got sprung on you...but surely when the 1st and 2nd weekends of December passed, you realized that is wasn't being held on it's typical date. Did your husband not ask his mom before today about when the mass was?
Yeah I'm in this camp. Has anyone asked the MIL why the service is later this year? There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation. I think assuming she's doing it to screw with you is a pretty big leap unless there is more to the story than we're hearing.
If it IS a surprise and they all just found out - that actually might change my view. Because if it were really oh.so.important to her DH to attend, why wouldn't he have asked his mom awhile ago what the plans were.
So.... OP, can you answer these questions?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We were told in the first week of December about the date if the memorial service. And I've tried to let time mitigate my anger..,,but it hasn't really gone away.
I spoke with my H last night and told him that in the future, when it's my family's year, if the memorial service is planned when it's my family's time, I'm not going.
Yes, this could be 100% your MIL being shady, but it doesn't change the fact that this is a memorial for your DH's father. I would imagine that this is important to your DH too.
Instead of throwing out "if this happens again, I won't go", how about TALKING to your DH about it, ask him to talk to his mom about why so late (there could be a completely plausible reason) AND to express that in the future, this is a conflict that really isn't fair to you.
And, again, how about talking to him about "if this does happen again, is there something you and I can do to honor your dad but not mess w/ our holiday plans?"
You're too caught up in "My MIL is being shady" and I really think you need to take a step back and look at it from a bigger picture in order to rationally find a solution your DH is o.k with.
Also, another aspect - what if on a year that you spend w/ your DH's family and something comes up in YOUR family that means you'll want/need to go to them? If you're unwilling to work w/ your DH, to take his feelings into account, etc, if the tables are ever reversed, you may find that he equally digs his heels in.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
4.5 hours? That's it? He can go to the mass. You go to your family.
I am sorry but that sounds childish and still isn't getting your H to understand the point here. The underlining point: it's your families year, you guys had plans and this won't work with those plans. I really don't understand how a memorial mass that happens every year is something he has to go to this year. I'm Catholic (not a very good one) and this seems over the top to me. I'm sure it's a cultural issue, however you did know they did this prior to getting married and changing the Holiday schedule.
If you knew from the beginning of November why didn't you try and talk to a Priest about doing a seperate service for you and your H? This way he honors his father and you would have spent more days with your family. Personally, I feel life is for the living.
These conflicts come along with being married, unfortunately.
In the future, when it is your family's turn for the holidays, I would have your DH mention to your MIL ahead of time (like, say, end of November), "Hey, when do you think you might have the memorial service? Because we are going to be out of town by such-and-such a date and we really need to do it before then." If MIL is not unreasonable, she would honor that, and if she is refuses and does what she wants anyway, you don't go.
For this year, though, I think you should go. Try to look at it from a different point of view. You're upset because you won't see your family for an extra day, but your DH will never see his father again. This service is probably very important to him. And there's no reason to assume your MIL planned the service this way just to mess with you. She probably has a lot of other people's schedules to consider, and she may have thought that as long as she booked it for a few days before Christmas, it wouldn't matter. Unless your MIL is regularly manipulative, I think it's a stretch to assume that she did this on purpose.
Are you going to be with your family Christmas Eve AND Christmas day? In that case, three days with them (through Sunday Tuesday) seems like more than enough time. I mean, I get that you don't see your family that often and you hardly get to see your brother, but I still think three days is pretty darn good. Plus, if you're feeling sour about the whole thing, I would tell your DH that, because your giving up a day for the memorial service, that you would like to make a special trip out to visit your parents for another weekend in January or February. I know you won't get to see your brother then, but at least you'll get to visit with other family members, and it might make you feel better about things.
I agree with this...and still maintain that with both sets of family being that close...there's no reason you shouldn't try and see both around the holidays. Granted, you can only go one place for Christmas and Christmas eve maybe the day afterwards...but there is no reason 3 days before hand should be off limits.
To me, this was the perfect solution on how you can see your DH's family around Xmas while still spending actual Christmas with your family.
Since you both agreed to the alternating holiday schedule beginning just this year, and his family already got you at Thanksgiving, I'd go this year, and then make it clear in no uncertain terms that next year your family got you guys for both holidays to be fair.
And after next year, go back to the plan of alternating them between the 2. This gives him and his family 3 whole years to work out a schedule for the memorial service that will not conflict with any future holiday plans.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
I would be annoyed if I were in your shoes, but I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that MIL scheduled for the 22nd to mess with your family's time, she might have been trying to make it easier for DH's family that was traveling for Christmas to be able to attend.
For DH's sake, I would attend and try to have a good attitude about it- it is his father after all, and I'm sure the holidays are a hard time to be without a parent.
Next year and moving forward, I would talk with MIL early in the season and let her know what you're planning for travel dates and find out when she's planning to hold the service, and try to coordinate dates together. If she is trying to be passive agressive, this should help put a stop to it, and if not, it will still get you guys on the same page. I would make sure MIL understands that you're trying to make sure you have time to visit with family that you don't get to see often so she understands where you're coming from.