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When Children Grow Up and Parents Grow Helpless
Dear all,
I am one of many unfortunate children of divorce. My father never remarried, my mother did remarry, however is now divorced again, and most unfortunately both are in their late sixties without a penny to their names.
They were good parents to me. Loving, nurturing, caring, put a roof over my head and gave me an education. Unfortunately, they are where they are today because of very poor decisions and from very unfortunate situations in their past (revolutions and wars in the Middle East, bankruptcies, investing with untrustworthy people etc. - the list goes on).
Now that I am married and in my mid thirties I am burdened with having to plan for the financial needs of both of them - mainly by choice. Why, you may ask? Well, two reasons: they were good parents and did no harm to me, the alternative would break my heart leading to them ending up without home and without medical care.
So why am I posting this thread? Well, the truth is that taking care of my parents means having children and enjoying my newly married life is now an impossibility, and I am stuck in a hole of despair, doubt and uncertainty... Am I to continue down this path, or leave step out and allow fate to take its course (God willing to their benefit)? What is the right thing to do? How much of myself do I give and to what limits?
"Honor thy Parents" or so it goes, and just on that subject things get ever so complicated: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_your_father_and_your_mother
so, again I ask, where should one stand on this subject? What have you as children done for your parents and why, and what have you not done for them and have you regret?
More challenging, yet sensitive, is in the absence of religion where does the moral justice reside on this subject in pursuit of happiness for oneself without sacrifice that cripples you?
Re: When Children Grow Up and Parents Grow Helpless
I think some compromise is in order here. I completely agree with wanting to help ensure that parents don't wind up hungry and homeless, but I don't think you need to do it at the expense of your own life's goals.
I would make an appointment to meet with an independant financial counselor and your parents and review what assets they have, what sorts of assistance they are entitled to (Medicare, social security, retirment benefits, food stamps etc.) and then try to come up with a financial plan that covers the basics for all- maybe they each have a very modest apartment and enough monthly income to cover utilities and food, etc. They also need to take some responsibility and consider working-even a little- if they're able to. They are adults and are responsible for their own decsions. This may mean you make some compromises for your own family (i.e. maybe a smaller house or fewer vacations), but I wouldn't give up on having a family and children based soley on your parents' needs. If you do, I think you'll run the risk of resenting them and damaging your relationship with them.
If you don't, you are setting yourself up for a harder and harder life as they get older. They are "only" in their 60's. They aren't incompetent. Don't enable them.
I'm watching this happen to an extreme situation w/ my aunt, but because she was enable her entire life, her life now is sad and pitiful and also angering. I won't go into it- but a LOT of what is going on now is that she has been "helpless" her entire life.
Your parents made it this far on their own and as adults - treat them as such and get them to treat themselves that way too. Do NOT succumb to "oh, they are helpless".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
They're in their late 60s, you say? If they aren't working, why aren't they? (believe it or not, there are people who are employed past retirement age, mostly because they can't afford to retire)
There is also the option of senior citizen/low income housing --- nearly every town's got one; why not see if they can be placed there? Give your town social services department a call; mention that you want to have your parents live there.
I agree with what has already been posted. You should take each one down to Social Services and see what they qualify for.
As to the rest, you have done more than most people would do. Parents shouldn't need a child to help them to the point that it cripples a child's own life. However, it does, has and will continue to happen. Only you can make the choice to take them on to the extent that having your own child one day won't be possible. Or you can see what assistance they get, help out here and there and live your life. You do what you CAN for family and if you CAN support them both and live your life the way you want, great. If you CAN'T then you need to step back and take care of yourself first.
You were created for more than just this. If having children and enjoying newly married life is now an impossibility, change that. You could quite possibly become depressed, and/or resent them for this in the future if all you're doing is taking care of them.
Like PPs suggested - SHOW THEM the way, don't do it all for them. If they're in their 60s, then hopefully they're still somewhat young in spirit and have the ability to change their ways to benefit themselves. If they are not working, then they should definitely be proactive in finding one. Even a greeter at Walmart brings home a paycheck, and I respect that.
While they may seem like a burden to you now, it is not your responsibility. Have a heart-to-heart with them individually to say that you're willing to work WITH them up until a certain point. If they haven't figured it out by then, well, you're busy achieving your goals and dreams.
Do you have any siblings? Have you asked your parents if they want to be grandparents? Regardless if they want to or not, should not be an impact on you having them but if they WANT to be grandparents, then tug on their heart strings a little and let them know that their choices are affecting your goals.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I am also sorry you are having to go through this.
I have seen this story before in my own family, but I'd assume not to the extent you are. My Dad's Dad was left alone when my grandmother died. My Dad would go over there once in a while to take him shopping, but it was more about monitoring him than fully taking care of him. My grandfather was in his 80's at the time.
I'm in my mid 50's, my parents are in their 80's. Luckily they were always smart about money, worked, and can live comfortably on their social security and my Dad's pension. But I do worry about what will happen in the future. They are both on a lot of meds for their health, and some day I may have to stay in closer touch than I do now.
My parents were also loving, caring, and raised me to be a good daughter and person. I am an only child. I have made a life for myself, with children of my own (son is 25 y/o, daughter is 18 y/o). I am closer in age to your parents than I am to you. I used to stay in touch with my Mom by phone a lot more than I do now, but with my job, my kids, my life, and now married since last year to my wonderful husband, I don't call as much, or visit, and they only live about 10 miles away. I had terrible guilt about this and talked to my Mom about it. She set my mind at ease and told me to NOT worry about them. She'd say this even if there was something to worry about. She knows instinctively that it is time for me to focus on my life and my family, and not to worry about them.
But it sounds like your parents are not in a comfortable place financially. Your question is a moral one, but also a practical one: what is your responsibility? I think you have had some very good advice above, and I strongly urge you to get them, together or apart, to a financial counselor and also look into their incomes and finances. Do they allow you access to their financial information, or keep it private? You can't assist if they don't allow you access so you know how you can help. If they are in their late 60's, they are getting Medicare and Social Security age benefits, which may be small if they never held good jobs.
You are struggling, in the reverse, what some parents struggle with when they have children who do not live up to their expectations and need assistance into their 30's........kids who had no ambition, never became self reliant, and still depend on Mom and Dad to take care of their needs. Nearly every article I read about those types of parents indicates that it takes "tough love" to let go and force them into independence, and being responsible for their actions. As a parent who loves my kids, I'd struggle with that philosophy, but also know that it is a fact that people do not become independent until they are forced to fight for their needs instead of having them handled for them.
As as been said above, sit down with your parents, attempt to explain to them that you love them, but you need to try to give them assistance to be independent. Go over their finances, assist with budget preparation, retention of social services they may need, then step out of the picture. Tell them in advance what you are doing, then DO IT.
If you want children, then have them. Do not put your life on hold because of this. They call people like me the "sandwich generation", stuck between our parents and our kids. You at least deserve the opportunity for happiness in your own life with a family of your own. You do not do your parents justice if you do not go out and be the daughter/adult they would want you to be. You are in essence right now raising your parents to be self sufficient, which is not the way it's supposed to be. Instead, have your children and raise them to be independent, loving people as a testament to the great parents you say you have had, and a testament to yourself.
As Dear Abby (or Ann Landers, can't remember) said, "no one can take advantage of you unless you let them". You have to let go of the guilt you are carrying around. I'd also probably recommend some mental health counseling for yourself and maybe include your husband, because you need to get to the place where you can let go. Also look into support groups in your area for children of difficult parents.
Good luck.
I am guessing you are of Middle Eastern descent.
Perhaps not even first generation American; perhaps you were born there, too --- so this may also be a cultural issue that is involved.
Back in the good ole days (if your parents were born here) employees still had pensions. Do either one of your parents have a pension plan? Something they can get upon retirement, other than Social Security? Did they invest in anything that they can cash in or sell and use the money for retirement?
The others are right: don't put your life on hold for your parents.
And if they are able bodied, they can work. Why aren't they working now, if they are not employed?
There is also retail --- I see a lot of senior citizens working retail jobs -- even if they worked in a mom and pop shop within working distance, they'd get the same minimum wage salary --- or perhaps they can start some sort of at-home business if they are able bodied and they have hobbies they can make profitable.
I don't know if they are Jewish, but I believe they can make an aliyah, if they are okay with that idea. To my knowledge, if you wish to return to Israel to live, the Israelian govenrment would pay all expenses.
I haven't done for my parents yet but I will, both are retired and receive SS checks, they own a house and have their funeral expenses paid for already. My mom is 66, dad is 72 and are healthy but in our family, parents don't get put in nursing homes, they will both live with me (only daughter) when they're no longer able to drive, etc. I plan to hire a caregiver to help when I am working.
I'm 30, DH is 32 and we are trying to conceive, caring for my parents will not stop me from having my own child. My husband knew when he met me that my parents will live with me someday and it was his idea actually when we were house searching to get a 4 bedroom (1 bedroom downstairs) for my parents. My parents raised me, protected me, have been there for me always, it's not in me to leave them to fend for themselves in their time of need (elderly). I think you should have your own children and also help your parents, why do your goals and desires have to be impossible just because you will help out parents?
I really admire this.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk