Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Seeing family after being snubbed
So...I'm not sure what to do about an upcoming situation. In general, the backstory is this. My husband and I had a two year engagement because his relatives live across the country and they said they needed time to "Save up" to come out to our wedding. We really didn't want to wait that long, but there was no harm in it if it meant more of his family could attend. Fast forward to the wedding time.
We sent out our wedding invites. We spent a lot of time and money in designing these. Some people from DH's family RSVP'd and some did not. I chased a few people down and he chased down a few people (some people were unfamiliar with sending back and rsvp because they are lds and because of where they live). But two family members in general who told us they had to save to come out and were excited to come never rsvp'd. On top of that, they are the legal guardian for my husbands cousin- who grew up with him. I called the aunt and explained that we were waiting for their rsvp, and also that we wanted their neice (who is living with them) to be a part of the wedding because my DH considers her a sister. I left two vm and messaged on Facebook. I received NO response. Finally DH's mom told me to buy his cousin a ticket because she spoke to the aunt and uncle and they were going to "allow her" to attend.
It was odd because this family had always been kind to us, especailly to me. Then we tried calling them to see if they were coming as well as his cousin, no response.
Finally my DH messaged his uncle on facebook (he had always been close with his uncle) and asked if they were coming to the wedding and all he replied was "no. we are not". Not" no sorry." or "congrats"
Finally, DH asked his mom what was going on and she said that they feel like he was making the wrong choice in marrying me and making "non Godly" choices because I am Catholic and his extended family is mormon (this aunt and uncle are). They said at first they supported our marriage but as time went on and they received "lavish" invitations and "evidence of lavish overspending" they felt we were not getting married the "right" way. (typically, mormons have small receptions with punch and some desserts).
Mind you, a year earlier we all FLEW cross country to california and spent all this money on his cousins wedding and it was in someones backyard with some cupcakes and soda and fine that their tradition but we had to drive 5 hours from the hotel they told us to stay at and rent a car and I wasn't acknowledged because I wasn't their faith. And this aunt and uncle attended with bells on.
I was Sooo upset that i was completley snubbed by them. But more upset that his poor cousin was "punished" and not allowed to come to our wedding because she had bad grades. Even though we were paying for her flight and hotel etc. WE lost money on the flight when we had to cancel it.
Well FF to now, a few months later and I am going away for Work and DH is joining me. We are going to be an hour from this aunt and uncles home, and his cousin is still living there. He really wants to see her, they talk and text all the time. His aunt and uncle said that they can't "trust" us with her because we might swear in front of her, or act in a way they don't believe in so in order to see her we have to go to their home.
I really don't want to see them. and I'm not sure what to do....
How do I act around them? I don't want to keep DH from seeing his cousin- but I also don't want to see these people. I've never had "family drama" in my family before but I want them to know that they were offensive and hurtful to us...
Re: Seeing family after being snubbed
Okay so these people are ridiculous and rude. However, no one forced you and your H to do any of these things. You choose to push back your wedding, you choose to buy her a ticket. Next time you will know not to do anything for them. I can't believe your Hs mother called and told you two to buy a ticket and you did it.
As to going to see them and telling them off, bad idea. Nothing good will come out of it. They don't like your marriage on a religious reason, you will not and can not change their minds on this. Be as pleasant as possible and keep contact with your Hs cousin.
BTW, I've spent thousands going to people's weddings, those people didn't owe me anything for going. If his family treats you this way, then stop going to weddings and just send your H.
Welcome to religion. I knew a guy who dated a mormon girl. Her parents would not allow him to come into their house. WTF? Taking her out on dates is fine, but not him setting foot in their home. Yep. That makes sense.
If you want to see the cousin, you have to play by the parent's rules. That's all there is to that.
You're going there 'cus of work. So if you don't want to go, say you have a work thing.
You're not going to be able to make them see that they were offensive or hurtful. They believe they behaved appropriately.
How old is this cousin? Play nice until such time as she is at liberty to make her own decisions.
to PP I wasn't planning on going and telling them off. I just wasn't sure if there was a "nice way" to go about being there and just being social without nicey nicey to them. And I didn't expect anything from them, I was just stating that we went to this wedding that was like basically a cookout for an hour and they went there willingly and with bells on to watch two 19 yr olds get hitched...but here we are having a nice wedding providing them meals and transportation and hotels and we are matrue, college educated, older established people and they think "WE" are the wrong ones getting married?! how insane is that!?
To the other PP....the cousin is 16 years old. So she is at the time when she can chose to call us and wants to see us. But isn't allowed to have a car to come see us herself and her parents limit her phone time with my DH to 30 minutes every other week (I guess for fear we are going to "tarnish" her). Also, she dones't follow their faith or religion and says she feels like they are pushing mormonism on her all the time. So we thought it would be nice to get her out and about take her for dinner and chat about college etc (since she is going to be a senior in high school next year)
To them the 19 year olds are right and you two are wrong. This is the way their religion works, you are not apart of that religion they will never accept you. You will have to deal with it. Good luck
Sorry this happened to you and H.
O.k.- first, your comparison of the two weddings is coming across as really snobbish on your part. An inexpensive cookout can't be a "nice" wedding? Providing transportation and hotel is what makes it nice?
I'm just putting that out there because that paragraph rubbed me wrong.
Past that, I agree tha tyou're dealing w/ cultural differences, and as rude as they may be, it's also noticable to me that you don't seem very open to trying to understand this. you don't have to agree w/ their views or choices, but you seem (again) very judgemental. Yes, they are being judgemental too - but 2 wrongs don't make a right.
And I had to kind of LOL at " So we thought it would be nice to get her out and about take her for dinner and chat about college etc (since she is going to be a senior in high school next year)" - this is EXACTLY what they are afraid you're going to do! And in turn, they may not "let" you all take her out alone.
All I can say is that if you have real issue w/ them, then don't go. Send your DH to see his cousin and stay at your hotel.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it were me, I'd let Dh go and spend some time with his cousin while finding something fun to do on my own. I wouldn't want to waste my time on people who were obviously so closeminded that they wouldn't even give me a chance. I'm sorry they're being so unwelcoming, it's definitely not your fault.
On the other had, if you wanted to meet this cousin, or perhaps are a bigger person than I am and wanted to give the parents a chance to get to know you, you could go. I wouldn't mention anything about hurt feelings or point out their poor manners. Just be polite, graceful, and mind the "rules" (swearing and such). It will get you a lot further than being trying to be "right" about the wedding situation.
Best of luck to you! Sorry it's such a rough start to the family bonding.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
thanks for the advice
and sorry i didin't mean for the cookout thing to come out rude. I just meant that a lot of people went to a lot of effort to go to an event to celerbate a marriage and we weren't really treated properly. It wasn't the fact it was a cookout, it was the fact that it was like they "had" to do something because people came and gave them gifts and flew across the country and stayed at 400 a night hotels. So they gave us a few cold hot dogs and a cupcake and were like "thanks for the gift" and on our way we went.
Where in turn, we planned a wedding thinking about other people, like family. We knew they might not be able to afford transportation to and from the airport or afford to stay in a hotel so we picked up the tab. We bent over backwards for them....to ensure they were "accomodated"
But this was't their daughters wedding.... I was just using this as an example of something they were SO eager to go to. where it was two children getting married that didn't have two nickels to rub together and probably weren't "ready" emotionally, financially, or mentally for marriage. and they got behind their marraige (and now are helping to support the child that was born 9 months later from the mortgage)
and they treat ME and my husband like i am a back alley prostitute that could "ruin their neice" by talking to her about furthering her education, or getting better grades in school, or becoming independent. Because they want to see her get married at 18 yrs odl and start having babies.
believe me, i have tried to understand and be open to their religion for 6 years now. But in my religion we try to be open and understanding of all people. I have gone ot jewish weddings, mormon weddings, lutheran weddings. The point is to celebrate marriage and two people in love making a commitment. I am sorry that the "point" of marriage is lost on them because we aren't mormon, and its so hypocritical to me...so it angers me. and there are 100 other things i can express about how their religion has basically made me an "outsider" for as much as i have tried to "Welcome" them,.
I tink youa re all right. I am not going to go. there is plenty of work for me to do etc. It just sucks that on this trip that my DH and I are having together (I'm staying 3 days after the conference) we have to spend time apart in order for him to get to see his cousin.
The cousin is a problem as far as that clearly your DH wants to see her. But past that - I just wouldn't put too much effort into this aunt and uncle from here on out. You know where they stand, so... let THEM lose out from not being open minded and accepting.
And it sounds like the cousin has a mind of her own. So they'll pressure her for 2 more years, but once she's 18, they don't have control over her anymore.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you're going to have a rental car, maybe you could drop DH off and visit for a few minutes to catch up and let them see that you're not the devil, and then excuse yourself to catch up on some work/visit an old friend/whatever.
I think these people have treated you horribly, but if they're coming from the position that they're being virtuous and you're immoral, they're probably not going to change their point of view and I wouldn't waste time either trying to point out their rudeness to them or trying to change their mind. Just be civil and polite, and keep your time with them to a minimum for your own sanity.
I have a friend who is Mormon and trust me when I say this. Short of converting to Mormonism, there isn't a whole lot you can do to "win them over". In the eyes of some devout Mormons there are people who are Mormon and those who aren't. And if you aren't, you are the enemy. In some ways it is like a cult.
Some people who follow Mormonism are stronger in this than others. My friend isn't quite as strict on some things which is probably why we get along. I have another friend who grew up Mormon and was very happy to get away from it when she got married.