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My mother is crazy.
About a year ago she disowned me ... like legally wrote me out of her will, stopped speaking to me, after I'd been incredibly sick. Her reasoning (which she only told me over a nasty email) was that I "pushed her away." In reality, I'd been incredibly, incredibly sick with depression, which I had told her about. I tried to explain that I hadn't been pushing her away, but it was too late. Oh, and she has also made it difficult for me to see my26 year old down syndrome sister, who will now be cared for by another relative when they die. That was the real kicker.
Finally, one year later, she sends me a text and says that she wants to "set up an appointment" to begin a dialogue. I say okay, we set up a time. She cancels via text an hour before our appointed time, and says she's sick and will reschedule for the following week. It's now been 10 days and haven't heard a word.
I have never said I wouldn't talk to her, and in fact called several times a year ago leaving voicemails asking to work things out. She'd never return my calls. Who else doesn't speak to their mother? How did it happen and do you ever feel guilty not going to the ends of the earth to work it out? I met my limit when she went to lawyers to get rid of me when I was incredibly sick... I have no idea what she wants to have a "dialogue" about.
Re: My mother is crazy.
Sorry for your troubles.
You need closure on what's happened --- speak to one of your mental health professionals and get this off your chest.
As it stands right now, don't count on the "dialogue" or seeing her or even hearing from her. This would be like kicking Lucy's football --- you're bound to be disappointed or she's liable to bail on you last minute.
Ditto PP. Proceed with caution.
It's tough 'cus she's you're mom and no matter what she does/ says, she'll always be your mommy.
A friend of mine is actually gearing up for a legal battle due to a crazy relative's will. You may want to consult a lawyer to get some answers about your sister.
Also, how do you know what she changed her will to? Have you actually seen it?
And really, this isn't normal. At all. From a mother? I'd actually suggest YOU get counseling to talk about this because right now, I get the feeling that you'd end up being her pawn. You want her in your life, you want her approval - whatever game sshe plays, you'll blindly follow. I think you may need some help navigating this so that you don't become her pawn.
BUT - again, there is clearly something "off" w/ her to even act like this in the first place. I'm really sorry you're dealing w/ this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have a similar relationship with my father. We stopped talking when I was 15. A year and a half ago when I was planning my wedding I invited him to come, I had grown up a lot and thought it was time to try and work on our relationship and figured inviting him would be a great starting place. He sent me an email back saying that he wasn't going to be able to make it because it would "be awkward for him". That was it, I was done and had decided I would not put in any more effort. He did end up going and we started talking again very so often.
This past August my brother got married and my dad was there. We all went out to lunch one day with our significant others and he proceeded to say nothing but nasty things about my mom the entire time which infuriated me. That was the last time I talked to him until a couple days after Christmas. I realized I was the only one that had been calling him to talk, and after my brother's wedding I hadn't heard a word from him. I wasn't going to be the one putting 100% of the effort into a relationship like I had done with so many other people. I tried calling on Thanksgiving and left a voicemail, never heard back from him. He sent me a message on FB saying that he had received my voicemail and to keep trying to get a hold of him. Christmas he sends me another FB message saying to keep in touch and call sometime. I was livid, why am I the only one making these calls, why can't he pick up the phone and call if he wants to talk to me so bad?
I invited him to my wedding because, even though we had not talked in years, I thought about how I would feel if I had not been invited to my child's wedding and could not bare the guilt. But I will not feel guilty for not calling him and trying to mend a relationship that is too broken to fix. You need to take care of yourself, that should be your #1 priority. You don't need someone like that in your life.
It sounds like your mother has some kind of issue, and until she is ready to work on it, I don't think you're going to get very far with her. I'd remain cordial and reach out on holidays, birthdays, etc. with a simple card or call and leave the ball in her court. I wouldn't actively pursue her, since you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment if she continues to act the way she is.
As far as your sister goes, I'd try hard to maintain a good relationship with her. If you feel you would be the best caretaker for her after your parents pass, you may be able to work with other relatives or lawyers to have yourself appointed or be more involved in her life. Could you discuss any of this with your father? Maybe he has some insight into what your mother is upset about or could at least help you maintain the relationship with your sister.
Thanks for your support on my post- and I am so sorry you are going through this! I think that similar to what I'm trying to do be sure you put your own mental health first. When a parent mistreats you sometimes you can't help but to feel like you did something wrong or you disappointed them, or didn't live up to some expectation but from what you are saying it sounds like your mom is just sick and angry and has something going on that you can't understand.
When my mom became too difficult I told her this- I told her I loved her but I couldn't have her in my life if she was going to mistreat me and until she was ready to make significant changes let's take some time apart. I think the issue with her caring for your sister and having your sister in your life might make things more complicated- so if you can try to keep some sort of civility that would be ideal- and asking her to do that isn't unreasonable- but I can see it being so hard.
I hope everything works out!
Two of my closest friends should have cut their mothers
out of their lives.They suffered alot because of the toxic
relationships.
Do what is best for you.