Family Matters
KatelynGettingMarried
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My Mom wants me to wear her dress....
It's been a dream of hers since her wedding day, and when my twin and I were born it's been her dream to see one of us walk down the aisle in it. I am ok with the dress, and I owe my mother everything (I was NOT the easy child AT ALL, and she brought out the best in me to who I am today). But I have changes I want to make, and she is NOT happy. I'm torn between:
- appeasing my mother and walking down the aisle in a dress I will be miserable in
- altering it to my ideas and having her not even be able to look at me
- just getting a new dress altogether.
Re: My Mom wants me to wear her dress....
Get a new dress for yourself. Just be honest with her. Tell her that you LOVE the idea of wearing her dress because it's very sentimental, but that it just isn't what you envision yourself wearing on your wedding day. Is it possible to take a piece of it and have it sewn in your dress or something?
Is there any way that your sister would be willing to wear it when she gets married?
I am guessing your mother was married somewhere between mid-Seventies-mid Eighties.
Neither one of these fashion eras were the greatest for wedding gowns.
Is there any way you can post a photo of it?
You can remodel it and upgrade it -- perhaps remove the sleeves and make it a sleeveless dress --- or revamp the neckline so that it is a strapless dress.
This way, you can get the best of both worlds.
You could have it copied and have it made with the changes you want.
My mom was NOT happy with the idea of re-making her dress, and I wasn't thrilled with the style as it was. So we went dress shopping together. After mom saw me in the dress style I wanted, she agreed that her dress looked super dated and that I looked better in the other style. Then it was pretty easy for her to cut up her dress for me.
Is your sister married yet? Is there any chance that she would want the dress as it is right now without any alterations? Seems like your sister might need to be consulted as she may be able to be a solution.
On the other hand, sister may have the exact same opinion that it needs major alterations. That would add credibility to your opinion. Perhaps it would also help your mom realize that nobody wants her dress as it is and not cling to her dream so steadfastly.
It's a sticky situation with lots of emotions involved. Good luck.
PS - What about wearing her veil? Or something else she wore like jewelry, shoes, garter, replicate her bouquet, etc?
A good local dressmaker can do wonders.
For real. My niece wore the silk sheath my mother married in at her RD.
Traditionally veils were more likely to be reworn. Can he veil be reworked or worn as is. I know a few friends who wore mom's mantilla style veil but that can restrict you to a darker ivory.
I just don't understand this kind of pressure thta mothers place on daughters. Styles change, personal tastes matter - if you don't want to wear it, don't. It's NOT a statement about your feelings for her or how she was a mother.
I agree that this is her problem, not yours. And I find it REALLY unfair of her to pressure you with this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This.
You may want to look at Pinterest for ideas to incorporate your moms dress. They have a ton of ideas, take her dress shopping with you. Also, tell her that if you don't use her dress you will have a baptismal dress made for her grandchildren to wear, or a quilt or something. I know my DD won't want to wear my dress, I'm okay with that. We will have to find something else for it, I may donate it if no one wants it.
Sooooo this.
I also agree with ECB on this one. This is an unfair burden for her to put on you and she has no place pressuring you into this.
Look, your mom got to pick out her own dress using her own personal tastes, preferences, likes and a dress that made her feel special. If she got that opportunity, than so should you.
There is nothing wrong with gently telling your mom "No." She will be upset and disappointed, but that is ok. Trust me, sometimes disappointing your parents is all a part of growing up. Telling your mom " No" will also be good practice for the future. This won't be the last time your mom tries to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.
I would tell your mom how much you appreciate the offer, but that you have your heart set on XYZ dress you found. Is there anything from her wedding day you could incorporate (veil, jewelry, wrap, etc.)?
Another idea (if you're up for it)- see if you could do a photo shoot in it with your photographer...maybe your photographer could do something in photoshop to recreate one of your parents' wedding pics with you in the dress and you could frame it for your mom.....it wouldn't be walking down the aisle, but maybe would be a good compromise?
A friend of mine wore a wedding dress that has been in her family for 3 or 4 generations. She wore the dress for the wedding ceremony, then changed into something more her style for the reception; also because they didn't want to ruin the heirloom dress.
If your changes are drastic, then I'd just go with an entirely new dress. If they're minor changes, maybe they can be done in a way that is not permanent? That might be a way you can get your mother on board with it.
May 2014 November Siggy Challenge
The Griswold’s Christmas Vacation
Spin313 had a great idea of wearing the dress to the RD! or maybe you could wear her veil?
There was a cool tv show awhile back, called (I think) "Something Borrowed, Something New". And that is exactly what the show was. Basically, a woman who wanted to get her own gown but a family member who wanted her to wear their gown.
The host of the show would take her out to try on her dream wedding dresses while a master seamstress would remake the wedding gown of her mother or grandmother, more to the young lady's taste. Then, at the end of the show, the woman would come out of the dressing room first wearing her favorite new gown and then wearing the modified wedding gown.
It is pretty cringe worthy to watch the beginning of the show and see the seamstress literally ripping the dresses apart to remake them. But the end results were always stunning and always had a neat combination of aspects of the old dress mixed with aspects of what the new bride wanted.
I don't think the show airs anymore, but can probably be found on YouTube.